Adolescence is a time of immense emotional upheaval and psychosocial strain....and that is just for the parents! Teenager’s are at such a difficult stage in their life, part of them wants to do more “grown up” behaviours and yet when it suits them they want to revert back to being that small child. Very confusing and challenging for even the most patient of parents. It’s almost like they are going on 20 going on 2!! They feel such a victim in life and no/one understands them. It is very similar to being a toddler when they are wilful, inquisitive, challenging and wanting to explore and master new experiences.
Numerous challenges are faced between the parent and teenager and it is a time of adjustment and transition for all. Words such as “It’s not fair “ or “But why can’t I do....” etc are familiar words in households with teenagers. The boundaries change and parents often struggle to change them in a way that suits both them and their child or they feel worn out having to reinforce them or experience fear of being accused of being a horrible parent. It often seems a no win situation for both parents and the child.
A good idea is to consider changing the way you phrase your words. For example if your child asks if they can go out and you reply “no ....not until you have done your homework” the child usually just hears the words “no” and does not listen to the rest of what is being said, even if it is a reasonable reply . So perhaps try considering how you phrase your words and change it to a positive way such as “Yes, after you have done your homework”.
An idea I use when working with teenagers and families in conflict is the implementation of a system of rewards and consequences that reflects positive and negative behaviour. It offers clear messages to all involved.
It is like a reward chart, that you may have used when your child was small. The difference this time it’s using tickets as the reward. They are given to your child each time they achieve an objective or rule. The reason for using tickets and not a chart tick system is that it is not only visual but the child can collect them, save them and cash them in at their choosing.
So here’s what you do.........Arrange a family meeting with your child. Perhaps phrase it in a non threatening way such as “It seems like lately we are having problems all of us agreeing what behaviours and rules we as parents think we should have in the home. I wondered if maybe we have a family meeting which gives both us as your parents and you as our child to speak and explain how we are feeling and talk about how we can ALL change things to make home life a happier environment for us all “. Once you have the meeting spend time with each of you discussing what behaviours you don’t like and what you want to see more of. Allow time for everyone to speak including your child, set the agreed ground rules such as no interrupting until that person finishes speaking, respecting one another’s feelings. Maybe use a timer with an agreed amount of time each person has to speak if needed. It is very important to understand how things “feel” for each other, even if they are not true or correct. If the child refuses to participate then you remind them of the date and time the meeting has been scheduled for and the consequences if they do not attend then will have the meeting without them but that this is their chance to explain how they feel and contribute towards making changes. I stress the word contribute because it is essential they are empowered into feeling that their voice is being heard , valued and respected when making joint decisions and choices.



During the meeting, decide with child 6 behaviours that you would like to see more off from them or expect to see. Remember though to take on board they may want you to change as well so please take this into consideration. Once the changes or expectations (a nicer non threatening word) are agreed, write them on a piece of paper (parent changes included!) and get everyone to sign and place somewhere everyone can see such as the fridge. This is useful so that when there is confrontation you can merely direct one another to what you have agreed. Parents often forget the rules too and it is only fair that they consider changing when appropriate, none of us are perfect!
An idea when instigating the agreed expectations is to initially choose at least one behaviour they do well already as it gives your child an incentive to achieve. You must also make sure each rule is clear and concise. For example just saying “do as I say is not clear enough”. It would have to be more specific, such as “when I ask you to get up in the morning I expect you to do so within 5 minutes of me asking without arguing or having to be reminded”. Also make sure that the behaviours expectations are small at first because this gives the child encouragement and a chance to see the rewards they can get if they co operate. Don’t change the rules until after the first 2 weeks, because this is the practice time. After then have another family review meeting and change some of them as you all agree but it is better to not change too many in one go. The rules you remove are still expected rules by the way, but hopefully they will do this anyway by then.
Inform the child that for every time they achieve an expectation then they get a ticket. A small piece of paper the size of a raffle ticket is appropriate and can be kept in a clear glass jar for the child to actually see the positive re enforcement. Each ticket has to have an agreed value such as money or time, eg time on the computer or play station, or out with friends or social occasions. They can decide how they use the ticket to cash in. As parents you are the bankers. An added advantage is perhaps if they achieve a certain amount of tickets in week they get a bonus, eg, a rental DVD, and an extra hour out with friends etc.
If they complain that they don’t have enough money or time, or that they are being treated like a child, remind them “when you achieve your required objectives then you will have what you wanted and agreed” and “I am sorry you feel like I am treating you like a child, that is not the way it is meant to be. It seems like we have all been having lots of arguments and this seems the way to make us all happier in agreeing the rules. If you don’t like this approach then I suggest you cooperate with the rules then we don’t have to do this method.” or " it seems like you are having difficulty with these rules, what can we do to help you maintain, adhere to them " Do not enter into a vocal battle, just state your case and say something like “when you achieve your required objectives then you will have”. “That’s what we all agreed, maybe go back and see the contract we all signed” and walk away or be a broken record and repeat these types of phrases
Be careful of fraud, the child may copy the tickets; a simple solution is to write your signature on each ticket or use some special craft paper design that they cannot copy!
It takes commitment and energy and you must be consistent.
GOOD LUCK !!!
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Caroline Garrod is highly trained and an experienced adult counsellor and child behaviour therapist, she is now living in Switzerland and accepts telephone and e mail consultations from all over the world including the UK on any aspect of child behaviour. [/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']WWW.EXPATCOUNSELLING.COM[/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Tel 0041 91 600 1873[/FONT]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']QUALIFICATIONS:[/FONT]
·[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] BA (Hons) Adult Psychiatric Nursing [/FONT]
·[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] BA Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing [/FONT]
·[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] Diploma in Person Centred Psycho-Dynamic Counselling [/FONT]
·[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] Qualified Bereavement Counsellor for Children [/FONT]
·[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] Qualified Bereavement Counsellor for Adults [/FONT]
·[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] Qualified N.H.S Major Accident Counsellor (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) [/FONT]
·[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] Registered Mental health Nurse (R.M.N.) [/FONT]
·[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] Registered General nurse (R.G.N.) [/FONT]
·[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] Registered Sick Children’s Nurse (R.S.C.N.) [/FONT]
·[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] Member of the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists.[/FONT]