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  #201  
Old 05.01.2015, 11:18
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

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I wish you to deal with a social phobia, where you would prefer to die than to meet people. Let see if you still do your stupid comments after that.

Bertrand, you can't expect everyone to be fully understanding of an unusual social phobia they do not have or have never experienced. If you applied to many events then didn't turn up, then that is simply what people will notice. If you don't think you will attend, then maybe it's better not to repeatedly sign up and cancel.
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  #202  
Old 05.01.2015, 11:18
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

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I wish you to deal with a social phobia, where you would prefer to die than to meet people. Let see if you still do your stupid comments after that.

Social phobia is one thing, plain good manners another.

If you think there's a chance you might have to bottle out, then don't say you'll be there in the first place. People would much rather be delightfully surprised by your unexpected arrival than serially disappointed by yet another no-show. They can always make up another place at the table or edge up a bit on the bench.
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  #203  
Old 05.01.2015, 11:32
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

I think we should cut him some slack here.

He may have bailed in the past but in the incident being referred to here he said beforehand that he wouldn't be coming and changed his RSVP to a no.

There were two burger lunches organised, a bigger one ( attended by more people) which I couldn't make because I missed the train ( but did let people know I wouldn't be there) and Zapoa missed because he got the day wrong and a second one abd I believe Zappa was the only person who could make that one ( with Anjela) with Patsy stopping by later for a drink. SR was not signed up as a definite yes for either of them.
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  #204  
Old 05.01.2015, 12:32
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Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

As someone dealing with social phobia, I think SR needs slack too. You may really want to go, but as the event draws nearer, you think of ways to avoid it at all costs. It's not really a question of manners.

I think that most people have no idea what social phobia entails, and consider it just another sign of weakness, etc.

On the other hand, the phobic person should think about whether or not it's likely he or she will go. Mine's a lot better these days and my maybes are often more because I'm not sure of my schedule. But I agree with DB too ... I always do better if it's more last minute with unknown people.
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  #205  
Old 05.01.2015, 12:44
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

If one suffers from a condition which affects other people, it's one's duty to manage that condition in such a way that inconvenience to others is reduced.

It's simply not good enough for me to roll up to a dinner party and expect to be provided with gluten free food - it's my job to make sure that I can eat and my hosts are neither embarrassed nor inconvenienced by my problem.

Likewise, if one knows that one is likely to change plans at short notice, one shouldn't raise people's hopes by making promises which can't be kept.

I used to do it, a long, long time ago. Then I realised how much I was disappointing, hurting and offending my friends and changed my approach.

Falling back on "I've got a problem!" solves nothing.
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  #206  
Old 05.01.2015, 12:58
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

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I wish you to deal with a social phobia, where you would prefer to die than to meet people. Let see if you still do your stupid comments after that.

I do understand that you have problems with socialising, and I try very hard to be sympathetic; I hate meeting new people too, obviously not as badly as you do but often to the point of feeling sick.
If you read my 'stupid comment' properly you'll notice that although I did said you'd cancelled I was aware that you weren't coming.
However, you've done it every single time.... even for events you yourself had organised.

I'll try to find the courage to arrange something in the Spring, if you (or others) turn up then fine, if not I'll simply enjoy a quiet lunch by myself and probably not bother again.
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  #207  
Old 05.01.2015, 13:16
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

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If one suffers from a condition which affects other people, it's one's duty to manage that condition in such a way that inconvenience to others is reduced.

It's simply not good enough for me to roll up to a dinner party and expect to be provided with gluten free food - it's my job to make sure that I can eat and my hosts are neither embarrassed nor inconvenienced by my problem.

Likewise, if one knows that one is likely to change plans at short notice, one shouldn't raise people's hopes by making promises which can't be kept.

I used to do it, a long, long time ago. Then I realised how much I was disappointing, hurting and offending my friends and changed my approach.

Falling back on "I've got a problem!" solves nothing.


Thank you, Dougal's Breakfast. Yes, often simply informing people can go a long way. "Gluten intolerance" or "social phobia" or "vegan" or "whiplash", "hearing impairment" or "narcolepsy" and many others result in needs which cannot be automatically understood by untrained people not themselves affected by such preferences or disorders.


Just say what you need. My condition/preference means that....


- I need a seat with a backrest and armrests.
- I can't/don't eat x, y and z.
- I need to feel safe and need a seat near the door but not with my back to an open space.
- In case I suddenly fall over, you needn't panic. You'll find a bright yellow card in my bag, with the most important things you'll need to do.
- Please don't play any background music while I'm there.
- I might need to cancel at really short notice... may I please have a handy-number for that purpose?


The person who - no matter whether by personal choice or by medical/psychological state - does not want to or cannot do certain things or who must have certain conditions, already has to spend a considerable amount of his/her own energy managing the situation. So they at least know, more or less, what they need. Once those needs are clearly and specifically communicated (not "lactose intolerance" but "this is the list of foods I cannot eat, not even in small quantities"), it is surprising how easily other people can accommodate them.


And if you come up against someone who will not make the effort, or sighs and rolls his/her eyes at you, it sometimes helps to explain to them: "Please, just think about this: if I were in a wheelchair, you would not dream of expecting me to climb the stairs. If I were blind, you wouldn't leave your shoes lying around. If I were deaf, you'd take care to write things down for me. I'm not asking for superspecial privileges, but just that we both try to be pragmatic. If we avoid doing things that aren't good for me, and do the things that help, we can have an enjoyable time together."
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  #208  
Old 05.01.2015, 13:38
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

Perhaps someone should swing by and bring Suisse Romand to these functions. The opportunity to back out at the last minute because more difficult and it may be exactly what is needed in this situation.
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  #209  
Old 05.01.2015, 13:48
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

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I know, who'd have thought our fellow members could provoke me to resort to complaints corner.

I'm selling stuff right here on English Forum. I've had a number of people express an interest, arrange to come and look or collect, and simply not turn up. When I contact them to check if something has happened/they are lost the usual response is "I just realized you live too far away for me to travel to you".



Seriously?? The location is in the post title!! And it's less than an hour from Zurich HB!!

Stop wasting my time and yours and only contact me AFTER you've looked at a map!!

@ the Moderator: can we have a wall of shame?? I bet these people are repeat offenders.

Rant over. Feel better now.
Do as they do in Richardo..

Ask for the money and post the item (if its not to big and heavy) if its not required return the money when you get the item back.

Post can be cheaper than fuel AND those guys know where they are going.
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  #210  
Old 05.01.2015, 13:52
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

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Perhaps someone should swing by and bring Suisse Romand to these functions. The opportunity to back out at the last minute because more difficult and it may be exactly what is needed in this situation.
Why should people have to go out of their way to get someone to an event like that? What happens when they turn up and the person still decided they are not going and starts to get angsty under the pressure? If successful will they then see it an emotional crutch and expect picking up every time in order to go?

It's up to individuals to do it themselves and overcome their own fears, not to put others out like that.
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  #211  
Old 05.01.2015, 14:17
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

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I simply wouldn’t make an arrangement that inconvenienced me as much as some of the stories in this thread. No, I would not travel an hour out of my way to bring an object to a potential purchaser. Nor would I sit around for ages in a restaurant waiting for someone to arrive. Once someone is more than about 20 minutes late, I assume something has gotten in the way of the plans they had had with me, and then I feel free to make my own, without them. And yes, I use ride-share, but never without confirmation mails the day before, and confirmation sms/phonecalls on the day, before we all set out to the pickup-point.
Of course if was all confirmed the day before, and the day before that! As a parent, I was so grateful when others got out of their way to help them when needed abroad. That's what parents do, in the hope that if one day their children, or in my case, grand-children, even need help- someone will step forwards. One chose not to turn up and not give us any notice despite confirming the day before- the other chose to wait in comfort in a restaurant and never bother to turn up where we'd agreed to meet. I am neither a saint, nor totally stupid though, thanks.
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  #212  
Old 05.01.2015, 14:22
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

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Of course if was all confirmed the day before, and the day before that! As a parent, I was so grateful when others got out of their way to help them when needed abroad. That's what parents do, in the hope that if one day their children, or in my case, grand-children, even need help- someone will step forwards. One chose not to turn up and not give us any notice despite confirming the day before- the other chose to wait in comfort in a restaurant and never bother to turn up where we'd agreed to meet. I am neither a saint, nor totally stupid though, thanks.
Sorry... we are talking about parents and children now? I'm confused as to what relevance that has to the above.
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  #213  
Old 05.01.2015, 14:26
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

One poster made a daft reference to being a 'saint' and crawling to airport to give remaining kidney in a snowstorm and another that it is stupid to get out of one's way to help others. So thought I'd mention what my motivation was, in both cases. Thinking that I would like others to help out, if ever my (now adult) children or grand-children one day, may need it- so just explaining what my personal motivation is. I have no intention of those 2 bad experiences affecting my attitude btw- but as said, my OH is not likely to come forward and support again.
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  #214  
Old 05.01.2015, 14:32
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

Lots of people go out of their way to help others.

Some of them like to tell everybody about it.

Most don't.
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  #215  
Old 05.01.2015, 14:36
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

Of course good experiences are never mentioned.
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  #216  
Old 05.01.2015, 14:36
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

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Lots of people go out of their way to help others.

Some of them like to tell everybody about it.

Most don't.
Precisely, and I love the lack of context that people apply when discussing it. You are either a charitable person who goes light years out of their way to help someone, or an unhelpful ingrate who stands on old ladies and laughs while crossing the road, instead of helping them get up.

Normal people and realms of tolerances need not apply.
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  #217  
Old 05.01.2015, 14:41
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

Normal people?

On EF we are either "saints" or "trolls". It's a binary world even the Yazidis would find amusing...
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  #218  
Old 05.01.2015, 15:11
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

Oh dear- that is pathetic, sorry. So...best on ignore list again. Lovely sunny, warm day- so will leave you to it. Happy New Year.
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  #219  
Old 05.01.2015, 15:33
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

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Normal people?

On EF we are either "saints" or "trolls". It's a binary world even the Yazidis would find amusing...
You missed out 'Losers'.
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  #220  
Old 05.01.2015, 15:33
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Re: Bad manners from Forum members [Marketplace no-shows]

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You missed out 'Losers'.
We're a subset of "trolls".
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