A friend of mine who's a teacher (to adults) asked me my opinion on starting a relationship with a student of his.

They are both adults but he's working for a private institution, and this is not a one on one class, but with other students. So far their only contact has been during class time.

Personally, I don't see a problem as long as it's kept professional in the classroom. They are both adults, not a big age difference, and as it's an adult learner situation, I feel that one party does not have the power trip of a high school situation.

But, there is the question of reputation, if word gets out and come on this is Switzerland - people know people, then his boss would find out, the other students would know, and that would possibly affect his position in the classroom and how people would view him as a professional.

So... do you have an opinion on this? Has anyone experienced a similar situation?

These are tough situations, it might be better if they are very discrete till the class is over if possible. If he's responsible for her grade or evaluation in any way, it's a bit sticky if things go sour. Sometimes, though, it's just unavoidable, and I know of situations where grad students worked with faculty on a project and became involved - in Switzerland. If both are adults, on one hand, who's to say it's any one else's business. On the other hand, if one party uses the relationship to take advantage of the other...not good.

Having said that, I was a graduate student and my husband a new professor in the same department when we met in the US. I was never his student, so he had no "power" over me, and we were very discrete. We were both adults. After we were engaged, I was his teaching assistant for a class because there was a lack of available students, but we kept our engagement fairly low key and quiet, especially as far as the students in the class were concerned. There was no rule against relationships at the uni. Some schools in the US are very explicit about not allowing faculty-student relationships.

There's nothing wrong with it IMHO, but sometimes discretion is best.

I know a couple who met under the same circumstances - now happily married for over ten years , with a bunch of children.

Is there anything in the contract that prohibits any personal relationship with a student? If so, then that needs to be looked at first.

If not, then the logistics of teaching the student could be looked at - any chance of a change of class to avoid a conflict of interests?

From personal experience of being a teacher and a coach, I have seen several examples of women who have had trouble keeping the relationship nonpersonal during instruction periods, where their partner has been involved - the solution was always to have the partner in a different group.

But, you say that so far these two have only had contact in the classroom so "starting a relationship" is probably a bit premature. Keeping it cool ( and professional) in the classroom comes first - at least have a casual coffee first, outside class time before any thoughts of further involvement can be entertained

If it's love, not even school policy can stop it. As the relationship develops, they may have to consider changing teachers but otherwise, I don't see it as an issue. I have had many family members in my class and have never had a problem.

Speaking from personal experience, however, I have developed crushes on a few of my adult students which made teaching more difficult. Everytime I tried to help my "crush" with an exercise during class, my heart beat faster and I felt myself turning red. I had more difficulty concentrating and tried earnestly to remain calm and cool on the outside while my "love hormones" wreaked havoc on the inside. Sometimes it was pure torture.

AAAAAAAAhhh and I was desperately trying to forget THAT ever happened when I was young and dumb..... the past will always haunt you I'm afraid...but the outcome of it was a friendship that lasts until today.
How big is the age difference between them?

I like this!

But you've never acted on any of those feelings? If not, what stopped you? Please excuse me if I'm being impolite by asking here!

I think they're about the same age - I'd say maximum 5 years...

Because I remember back then I was smitten by the fact that he was older and in a certain, cute, old-fashioned way more of a gentleman than the youths I would usually hang out with.

At the time, sensibility and rationality. A relationship has the greatest chance of success when both parties are not in another relationship.

I agree, discretion is the key, I don't think that's easy though. But maybe for some people... Thanks for sharing your story, it's great news to share with positive stories like this!

I don't think there's anything specifically written against it, but personally it seemed like it's not something expected of someone in this position, so might cause a bit of fuss.

You're right.. I used 'starting a relationship' to simplify the situation. Intention being to start meeting outside the classroom.

Isn't it quite obviously unprofessional given this person is responsible for the student's mark in the class?

Seems like a straightforward no-go to me. I'd say don't pursue until the course is over. And for further assurance, I'd hope and expect double-marking is the norm.

And when one party doesn't hold some power over the other party's academic livelihood. ;p

It's a grey area if the student is in a completely different department/degree program - or the same field but at a different institution - either way there is no professional relationship and no direct power dynamic.

However, if the student is actually in his class then the answer has to be no, never, absolutely not. Not while he is responsible for her grade. They should wait until the course is over and then get to know one another socially.

The way I see it, if all goes well they will be telling the story of how they met for the next forty years - may as well wait three months and make it a story he can tell without fear of losing his job.

it will depend on the legal wording not in the contract of the teacher himself but in the code of conduct of the school. Things such as personal relationships are not covered in employment contracts but rather in guidelines of the institution. I would recommend he find those guidelines first if he can

I think it depends very much on what kind of school this is. Is it a university where grades are important or is it a language school type situation?

Former, no go. Well, not until the student has finished the degree/certification. Latter, fine no problem, just be discrete until you know it's "the one" and they get married.

I find this situation not very different from a relationship of boss-employee in an office.

While the relationship lasts, it's all wonders between them. But it might create problems with the other students. After all, she/he is sleeping with the teacher, so high grade will be suspicious, and low grade can be humilitating.

If the relationship ends, then school might become a tough place to be, if they see eachother everyday.

How about waiting till student finishes the course? If it's love, I guess it's possible to wait?

It's wonderful to romanticize this kind of situation, but it might turn out to be a sharp two-end sword.

It's more of a relaxed learning atmosphere, language-school/art-class rather than university. There's not really a marking system going on, not really typical school style, that's why I mentioned the adult learner no power trip thing.

If I were a teacher and my bf/lover/OH was one of my students, I would not be able to do my job properly. The teacher's relationship with one of the students would change the whole group dynamic. Teaching will probably become less effective as a result.

Im getting married to mine in July. So yes it does work. Age difference is minimal (im 3 years older then her) very little time spend in her class (her mother was my main prof. )

Why is there never any mention of the student acting responsibly in any of this?