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Old 19.01.2013, 03:29
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Physical Abuse at Home

The other night, while my boyfriend and I were having a fight and I was yelling at him, he grabbed my arms very hard and shook me, then grabbed my throat and shoved me into a wall with his hand still wrapped around my throat.

We have been together for over 2 years and lived together for most of that time. He has never laid a hand on me before. When things have gotten heated before, he has made motions like he was about to punch me, but I did not think anything of this until now. Now I am at a loss about what to do. My friends say that I need to get out of here asap. But I want to give him a chance since he says he will never do it again and if he does then he will put on the next plane out of here. I do not take him to be a violent or abusive person, just impulsive. And while his actions can definitely be labeled as aggressive, he did not cause any real physical harm by for instance beating me. Does this happen in other relationships as well?

I would just like to know the thoughts and opinions of the general public on this forum and maybe some of you know of or have been in similar situations. Thank you.

Last edited by TuxedoPants; 19.01.2013 at 04:15.
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Old 19.01.2013, 03:39
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

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The other night, while my boyfriend and I were having a fight and I was yelling at him, he grabbed my arms very hard and shook me, then grabbed my throat and shoved me into a wall with his hand still wrapped around my throat.

We have been together for over 2 years and lived together for most of that time. He has never laid a hand on me before. Now I am at a loss about what to do. My friends say that I need to get out of here asap. But I want to give him a chance since he says he will never do it again and if he does then he will put on the next plane out of here. I do not take him to be a violent or abusive person, just impulsive. And while his actions can definitely be labeled as aggressive, he did not cause any real physical harm by for instance beating me.

I would just like to know the thoughts and opinions of the general public on this forum and maybe some of you know of or have been in similar situations. Thank you.
You have very smard and a very good friends
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Old 19.01.2013, 03:55
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

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And while his actions can definitely be labeled as aggressive, he did not cause any real physical harm by for instance beating me. Does this happen in other relationships as well?

I would just like to know the thoughts and opinions of the general public on this forum and maybe some of you know of or have been in similar situations. Thank you.
Been in quite a few relationships before settling down and, no, no matter how heated arguments got I was never treated like that. If a person acted like that in public, and others witnessed it, likely they would be charged with assault - because it is assault. Only you can make the decision of what to do - but I imagine that he has broken the trust between you. If you can't feel safe to disagree with your partner or have to live in fear of his "impulsiveness" - what is the point?

Anyway, I am sorry for your tough situation and wish you best in dealing with it...
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Old 19.01.2013, 06:21
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

I think you should ask for your friends' help and make plans to leave when he is not there. The next time it might be more violent, and it just isn't worth the risk of finding out. Just leave, but quietly.
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Old 19.01.2013, 06:26
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

Exactly. Get out now. No other options. Except for kicking him out.
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Old 19.01.2013, 06:37
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

If he's gone this far as to lay hands on you now, the next time he might actually beat you, and your friends will probably be giving you the same advise from the side of your hospital bed. Get out now, and your boyfriend needs professional help.

They always say they're sorry, but it never changes, it never gets better until you leave and never go back.
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Old 19.01.2013, 06:48
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

I'm very sorry that this is happening to you. I have no idea who you are, but it's very brave of you to share your experience.

Your partner's anger management and physical abuse trait is his problem that he needs to sort out, how he handles that is his business. Right now you need to look after yourself. You might be too close to the circumstances to see this for what it is, but it's simple, you're his punchbag and no one should play that part for anyone. It is never right to hit someone in a loving relationship, ever.

The way I see it, love doesn't include violence. Love doesn't use hands to grab you by the throat to restrict your breathing. Love doesn't make you fear. Love doesn't make you write on an anonymous forum in the middle of the night looking for help.

Leave him or kick him out. There's never a reason to hit a woman, not in my books. Ever.

Giving him another chance is akin to you saying "hey honey, I know you didn't mean it", you're just giving him energy to have another go the next time a verbal altercation transpires. Keep your energy. Keep your body for yourself. Keep your love for someone who truly cares and nurtures you, not for the shithead that preys on your kindness but assaults you.
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Old 19.01.2013, 07:52
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

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I know everyone here is telling me that I need to leave him immediately. I know it's better to be safe than sorry. But deep inside I want to give him a chance to prove that it won't happen again. This is someone I've loved and lived with for almost 2 years and believe that he isn't the abusive type. It's hard for me to judge him based on this isolated incident. I want to believe that he sincerely means it when he says that he will never do this again.
I am sorry, but you are showing all the symptoms of the battered wife! Alarm bells are ringinging in my ears!

You really must listen to your friends' advice (I can understand you might not believe us) but Assassin's post describes your situation perfectly. Boyfriend cannot control his anger well enough, and he doesn't love you. Telling you he loves you and he is sorry is not enough. You need to separate and he needs to get some psychiatric help.

Leave quietly as he may get angry again when he sees you leaving! He might think "If I can't have her, nobody will... kitchen knife... bleeding TuxedoPants...
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Old 19.01.2013, 07:56
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

RUN AWAY QUICKLY

this is serious stuff.

I would go directly to the police station.
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Old 19.01.2013, 08:03
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

TP, this must be a very frightening situation to be in - I really feel for you. However, from what you tell in your posts, it would seem that your partner does have anger management problems. Although you have been in this relationship for two years, you must start to think of your own wellbeing, and leave this abusive situation behind you permanently Good luck!
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Old 19.01.2013, 08:35
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

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TP, this must be a very frightening situation to be in - I really feel for you. However, from what you tell in your posts, it would seem that your partner does have anger management problems. Although you have been in this relationship for two years, you must start to think of your own wellbeing, and leave this abusive situation behind you permanently Good luck!
I totally agree with all the above posts. LEAVE! However, I would also add that perhaps your yelling is also a symptom of an issue for you to work on before getting into another relationship. It seems to me that both of you have issues concerning how to deal with conflict.

If you are seriously considering giving him a second chance, how would you (and he) feel about going together to some sorts of course, support group, or counselling that provides conflict resolution and anger management training. This is not looking at blaming or fault directed at one or other partner, but looking at ways that can be agree'd upon for calmly dealing with conflict in the future.

Hasn't there recently been such a course ( aimed at anger in the workplace, I think) advertised on EF?

Best wishes.
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Old 19.01.2013, 08:38
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

Only you know how severe this attack was (it sounds very), and only you know what provocations were being used on both sides. It sounds like, from what you have described, that this is only going in one direction (fists raised earlier) I would personally advise leaving now.

However, people do not act in what can seem to be the logical manner when they are in a relationship so I would say, that if for whatever reason you want to stay in the relationship that at minimum you seek help through counselling for your partner as soon as is practicably possible, he, no doubt, will not. Please do not let this slide without taking it somewhere and let him think that his actions are not being noted somehow. I am unsure as to whether the police will directly intervene, but I am sure they will have contact details for suitable professionals who can help your partner.
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Old 19.01.2013, 09:02
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

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The other night, while my boyfriend and I were having a fight and I was yelling at him, he grabbed my arms very hard and shook me, then grabbed my throat and shoved me into a wall with his hand still wrapped around my throat.

Does this happen in other relationships as well?
.
Sorry, I have just seen the question tyou actually posed.
To answer: yes, it goes go on in other relationships. BUt no, not ALL relationships.

Homer, I think you are on the right track with the suggestion of counselling. HOwever, to be effective I feel it needs to go further. There are two people in the rlationship, not just one. "Fighting" and yelling is not exactly the most effective way for two people to resolve conflict. I believe that for any dysfunctional relationship to survive and grow into a better one ( we are not here just to endure) then both people in the relationship need to change their coping strategies and rules for dealing with disagreements, to be able to become truely supportive of each other and respectfuly commited to the whole relationship.
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Old 19.01.2013, 09:11
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

Tuxedo pants,

I see from your profile that you're American, and graduated from University in the States in 2011. Did you and your boyfriend of two years perhaps move to Europe together, or perhaps you moved here to be with him?

In either case (just guessing) it' probably quite scary to think of leaving somebody who you probably feel "has your back," in a foreign country.

If my guesses are correct, I can see how the most "comfortable" decision would be to stay where you are. It's scary to strike out on your own, and I would guess that it's really tempting to say "it will never happen again, etc."

However; PEOPLE WHO ARE IN LOVING RELATIONSHIPS DON"T TREAT EACH OTHER THIS WAY. If you are fighting to a point that he is pushing you against the wall with his hands on your throat, it's time to leave. Furthermore, even if he never had never laid a hand on you, If you are arguing to such a level of frustration and anger that you are yelling and he is waving fists, the two of you together are clearly a volatile combination and need to take a good hard look at whether or not you are good for each other.

Two years and just out of college is still the carefree part of your life. It gets more complicated as you get older and your life takes on more responsibility. Do you honestly see this situation getting any better when you are arguing about one of you losing a job, or taking care of the other during a serious illness. Or even moving with a family? There are a million things that happen in a relationship that cause strife, and for most people, the ones that happen in your early 20's are the easy ones.

What happens if you stay, marry and/or have kids? Would you want them to see mom and dad in a effed-up relationship like that? Or be on the receiving end of it?
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Old 19.01.2013, 09:14
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

I am very sorry to read abour your story, you must have been very frightened to then write to us at the time you did.

All the above advices including your friend's ones are the best. If your boyfriend has done it once, he will do it again. And from now on, you are going to live with fear, stop being yourself, being scared, and stop loving him 100% like you should do. How do you seriously want your relationship to become stronger under these circumstances?

Trying counselling is an idea but for that to work, your boyfriend has to recognize he has anger management issues and I doubt he will, instead he will say that you are the one who have problems. I have been there, like many, so I know what I'm talking about.

Leave him, or ask him to leave but don't stay with him. And don't hesitate to come back and let us know the outcome. Good luck!
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Old 19.01.2013, 09:15
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

Leave
No forwarding address

Now you are free and young
You're not in a situation were you have a family and children to look after, whilst he tries to control his temper.

Your love can not change him or the situation.
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Old 19.01.2013, 09:23
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

OP, I am in agreement with all the other posters who have responded that you should leave.

Please do not ignore or make excuses for the trajectory of this relationship, which has gone from your boyfriend making the motions of punching you (which is scary in and of itself) to actual physical contact, accompanied by what appears to me to be evidence of you not recognizing the level of threat you are under:

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I do not take him to be a violent or abusive person, just impulsive. And while his actions can definitely be labeled as aggressive, he did not cause any real physical harm by for instance beating me. Does this happen in other relationships as well?
To answer your question, it does happen in other relationships. However, it is not healthy and is indicative of dysfunction! You deserve a relationship in which you are secure and not constantly in fear of crossing an arbitrary line which leads to physical or emotional abuse. Please don't settle for less.
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Old 19.01.2013, 09:28
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

This hapened to me with an ex boyfriend. Same situation really. Fighting, took me by he troat and banged me on the wall. That was the first time.

I was in shock, ran to a friends's house.

Like you, I thought it wouldn't be more than that and I gave him an other chance. Months passed, everything was gret until that day. He became someone I couldn't recognize in his actions and I got beat up just a bit more than the first time. He made the same promises that it wasn't him, he was stressed, bla bla bla, Impulsive, etc

That was it, I told him to the hell off of my home, it was over.


Today I am with a man with who I can fight no matter how hard and loud, he never insult me, never said something mean and most importantly never touch me. I am feeling safe to argue with him because I know he will never touch me, EVER.

Can you feel the same about your boyfriend right now? No? Don't wait like I did. It is not going to change.
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Old 19.01.2013, 10:09
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

Can anybody find/suggest support lines that would be appropriate for the region and language skills of the OP?
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Old 19.01.2013, 10:13
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Re: Physical Abuse at Home

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But I want to give him a chance since he says he will never do it again and if he does then he will put on the next plane out of here. I do not take him to be a violent or abusive person, just impulsive. And while his actions can definitely be labeled as aggressive, he did not cause any real physical harm by for instance beating me.
Look I expect your boyfriend is genuine when he tells you that he will never do it again, but here is the thing, we're not talking a single action - he grabbed you by the arm, then changed his grip and finally pushed you into a wall. Now if he had stopped immediately after grabbing your arm, then I might be willing to agree with you but he did not. The sad reality is that things are escalating and giving him another chance means putting your life in danger, what happens if next time he pushes you into a window or picks up a knife that is on the table in front of him....

It is time to heed the warning signs and take the advice your friends are offering you, they know more about you and him than we do and I'm sure they are not giving this advice lightly.
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