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  #21  
Old 17.06.2015, 12:08
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Re: The drop in

Your MIL may have psychological issues of some sort - perhaps along the lines of you being the woman that stole her son from her.

Or, it may be because she's suffering from mental illness of some sort and sees you as a threat and someone she needs to control? (or she feels that she is only in control when she herself can decide her own actions?)

I've seen it all here (but I appreciate it's got nothing to do with Switzerland but more to do with the mental state of people).
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  #22  
Old 17.06.2015, 12:24
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Re: The drop in

I have considered she may have a bit of a personality disorder......but one hears themes of swiss weirdness, coldness, rudeness so often? But on the other hand how socially correct and rule orientated they are? Also that, " things are different in the villages?? "
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  #23  
Old 17.06.2015, 12:40
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Re: The drop in

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I have considered she may have a bit of a personality disorder......but one hears themes of swiss weirdness, coldness, rudeness so often? But on the other hand how socially correct and rule orientated they are? Also that, " things are different in the villages?? "
Perhaps you can replace "swiss" with "mother-in-law" and many of the same things could apply (although I can't say, I'm lucky with mine).

My experience is that the Swiss tend to be blunt, and not good at picking up anglosaxon hints. Same applies to older generation mother-in-laws. So she may be oblivious to your discomfort.

Or she may just be a bitch mother-in-law, but I hope not.

Letting your husband deal with her seems the best option - at worst it levels the field if she's annoyed with both of you rather than still thinking he's an angel and you're the devil.
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Old 17.06.2015, 13:18
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Re: The drop in

Your husband spoke to her and made it clear that you'd like to be asked, and she reacted like a spoiled brat. Sorry, but I have no patience for people with bad manners, and, to me, that's what this is.

My advise, keep your distance, but don't let her get away with it. It's your life and she is ruining moments of it. If your husband doesn't put her in her place (again), why don't you write her a letter, let google do the translating, and see what unfolds.

Don't budge, though, or she'll smell fear
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Old 17.06.2015, 13:37
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Re: The drop in

From reading your posts, it seems that you lived for a while in Australia before coming to live here. I don't know how long you were in Oz for, but if it was a long period she missed out on a lot, seeing grandkids grow up, seeing her own son and being part of her families life. This is hard on a mum.

Go easy on her, maybe you will know this feeling one day, as she may be over compensating and with time may settle into a more normal relationship. Whatever that is.
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Old 17.06.2015, 13:45
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Re: The drop in

As frustrating as the situation you have at hand is, don't make this a me versus the Swiss woman. Take her nationality out, and concentrate on the MIL part. I have lovely Swiss friends, and one of them has her mother in law who is looking after her kids quite often. She is the sweetest person ever - every time I pop downstairs, she asks me if I want a coffee - So there are lovely Swiss oldies out there.

Your MIL clearly has a problem. But what about your father in law? Is he someone who is more amenable? Perhaps he could be your ally, in all this.
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Old 17.06.2015, 13:47
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Re: The drop in

perhaps you could move somewhere far away where they can't just pop round at any time?
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Old 17.06.2015, 13:54
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Re: The drop in

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Hi,
I am seeking views to understand if this has a cultural context.
No longer having an ocean to buffer us, I am getting used to having parents-in-law.
The situation is they drop in (anytime, often at the worst times) to socialize and believe we should do the same.
I am an invite person and thought the swiss were also. they however have made it clear (where we are concerned?) they are not,( it was translated to me along the lines of 'I don't need an appointment to come here'). It has created lots of tension.

So my question for swiss spouses (or others),

is this eurotude ( i.e. Normal attitude this side of the world where families are concerned),

a villatude ( an affliction of the aged who never leave the swiss sticks),

Or just my own private hell when the bell rings??
I see a lot of potential here.
I see lots of time on their hands and nothing else more interesting to do, coupled with the classical m-i-l&daughter-in-law ahem, sympathy... Give them some tasks - ask them to help you clean the house, do some shopping, gardening etc etc Perhaps you should ask her to also do some ironing for you. Take the kids to hobbies, etc etc Perhaps she want to make herself useful and doesn't know how?

On a more serious note: don't answer the door.

P.S. I think that this kind of intrusiveness is more prevalent in the rural Southern European part. Oh, and rural Eastern Europe of course.

Last edited by greenmount; 17.06.2015 at 14:04.
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Old 17.06.2015, 14:07
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Re: The drop in

Growing up at a time when our family didn't have a phone, let alone a mobile, if one wanted to see someone, one walked there. If they were in and had time to chat, fine, if they were not in, one walked back, if they were in and busy, either one joined them on the job or one went home. A couple of kilometres was nothing in those days.

If one thinks one has the right to drop in, as MIL does in this thread, one has to accept that one renounces ones 'guest rights'. The 'head of the house' has no duty to entertain, to wine and dine, nor even to stop anything he was already doing. It's not retribution. It's not punishment. It's not being nasty. It is the logical consequence of arriving at an inopportune moment.

I've always been a 'dropper in', even arriving uninvited and unexpected once at 6.30 in the morning for breakfast. When we were in our teens, our friends, including my elder brother's steady stream of delightful girlfriends, used to drop in, were invited to the next meal and sometime for an overnight stay too. Here, Swiss friends drop in if they are nearby. Sometimes, if I'm busy in the kitchen, they wait, or they pull up a chair and chat while I work.

I've even dropped in on someone who wasn't there and made myself coffee. When she returned, the person in question was delighted to find that I had also finished her ironing for her. However, this was an exception and I wouldn't advise anyone, Swiss or British, to follow suit.

I've a nasty feeling none of this is going to cut any ice with the MIL in this thread though. The main thing as I see it, is to make sure that the couple don't let it come between them.
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  #30  
Old 17.06.2015, 14:37
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Re: The drop in

I dropped in on my Swiss neighbours for a brief moment once, just to confirm some thing about some very minor issue with regard to our flats and I left a couple of hours later after accepting the kind offer of a drink. We started with gin and tonics and finishing with rather fine cognac.

But I think the frequency of the visits is important too - I'm sure they would have got fed up if I had turned up unannounced every night. It wouldn't have done my liver much good either.

Last edited by Tom1234; 17.06.2015 at 18:08.
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  #31  
Old 17.06.2015, 17:07
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Re: The drop in

They probably think you are from Austria and dislike non-Swiss German speakers. Just clarify you are Australian and give them a stuffed kangaroo.

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  #32  
Old 17.06.2015, 17:54
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Re: The drop in

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I've always been a 'dropper in', even arriving uninvited and unexpected once at 6.30 in the morning for breakfast. When we were in our teens, our friends, including my elder brother's steady stream of delightful girlfriends, used to drop in, were invited to the next meal and sometime for an overnight stay too. Here, Swiss friends drop in if they are nearby. Sometimes, if I'm busy in the kitchen, they wait, or they pull up a chair and chat while I work.
.
Sometimes the people invite you to drop in if you happen to be in that area. I had to do physiotherapy because of a ski accident and a broken leg so got to see my physiotherapist quite often for a good few months. I invited her to my place for something unrelated to our professional relation and she reciprocated saying we're (her OH is our GP) welcome anytime to their place if we happen to pass by, they're outside in the garden most of the time and see everyone, have a chat with neighbours etc We've done that once and it was nice, no awkward moment...I would say some Swiss are really open and friendly, of course one shouldn't abuse any "open" invitation especially if they're not friends or relatives. But things like these can happen, even in Switzerland!
That being said, I'm happy my m-i-l doesn't live in CH. She lives relatively close to us but she never showed up without calling before. (that would be stupid) Anyway, she's a different type. In fact I believe she's happy I took her little petal off her hands.

Last edited by greenmount; 17.06.2015 at 18:10.
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  #33  
Old 17.06.2015, 21:30
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Re: The drop in

Well it seems to me that your husband is pushing the blame on you. " that you would like to be asked" And what about your husband.
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Your husband spoke to her and made it clear that you'd like to be asked, and she reacted like a spoiled brat. Sorry, but I have no patience for people with bad manners, and, to me, that's what this is.

My advise, keep your distance, but don't let her get away with it. It's your life and she is ruining moments of it. If your husband doesn't put her in her place (again), why don't you write her a letter, let google do the translating, and see what unfolds.

Don't budge, though, or she'll smell fear
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  #34  
Old 17.06.2015, 21:46
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Re: The drop in

Think of it another way - you're family. You've married mummys boy. They just think it is normal & natural that they pop in as though it is an extension of their house.
I agree with suggesting times when it is convenient for them to pop in based on your daily routine & say don't come by at this time or day as we're too busy. If they turn up after a clear discussion laying down ground rules, your OH has to be clear about not letting them in.
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Old 17.06.2015, 21:49
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Re: The drop in

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The wife advised my mother-in-law, she sulked and didn't come by...

We are at this stage after inviting them to a school play about a month ago ( a big deal in our little lives here). They happily agreed and then she choose to make a public village snub of refusing to greet me. My husband had a Swiss German meltdown. I just thought wtf?

I would love to know what a Swiss German meltdown is like - if its not too personal. My boyfriend (Swiss) and I (foreign) am likely to get engaged not too far down the road (we have pretty much said we would, only the ring is missing). I moved to Switzerland to be with him a year ago and when I moved here I had the biggest culture shock of my life. We started out living with his mother and sister and I have my own horror stories (I truly, truly do). Long story short, I too have a "monster-in-laws" and it ended up such that I left the room my boyfriend and I were living in together and went to stay with an Aussie friend.

I have been with my boyfriend for slightly over 1.5 years now and even though Switzerland has been an utter nightmare, we have made it so far without him having any sort of meltdown (even though I have had multiple). His lack of outward emotion and the fact that he has never expressed anger in the time I have known him (we live together so theres no way you can hide this sort of thing) puzzles me quite a lot. Either I have met the calmest man on the planet or this (more likely) seems to be a Swiss thing.

My question to you is, what is a Swiss meltdown like? Is your hubby in any way similar? I can relate to so many of the things you have said... the people here really do have farmer mentalities and I find them to be on a minus scale when it comes to EQ. I also realise that what in any other part of the world might be totally weird (I thought a lot of things were universal before coming here), here, things happen and people dont seem to find them weird.

Last edited by 3Wishes; 17.06.2015 at 23:04. Reason: fixed quoting, I hope
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  #36  
Old 17.06.2015, 22:45
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Re: The drop in

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I would love to know what a Swiss German meltdown is like

.
Sorry. I have no idea how to do the quote thing.

In 20 years I can say I have seen him crack less than 5 times!!!!!
This was the first time in Swiss German.
it went something like this;

"Shshehehehdgfdkewqqjeebthgjdrjrhongorjgfbdh huh? Huh? Gntnrenrjejd !"

he said something like... What is this theatre you're doing here? Huh? Huh? Unbelievable....

Last edited by 3Wishes; 17.06.2015 at 23:10. Reason: fixed quoting, 2nd try ;)
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  #37  
Old 17.06.2015, 23:09
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Re: The drop in

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...I've even dropped in on someone who wasn't there and made myself coffee. When she returned, the person in question was delighted to find that I had also finished her ironing for her...
You're welcome to drop by and do my ironing any time, Longbyt. I'll even make the coffee for you.

OP, like others I would say this is more a MIL thing than a Swiss thing. I'm married to a Swiss guy and his family never pops by unannounced. Sometimes I get a phone call that BIL is 15 minutes away but hey, at least it's a warning to prepare for the invasion.
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Old 17.06.2015, 23:46
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Re: The drop in

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Sorry. I have no idea how to do the quote thing.

In 20 years I can say I have seen him crack less than 5 times!!!!!
This was the first time in Swiss German.
Maybe if you had your own Australian breakdown - a long,loud stream of English containing many (if not mostly) words starting with "f" would probably get your emotions across quite clearly. If they think that *you* are unhinged maybe they'll come round less often

Edit: that got me thinking. How would you deal with the same situation if the MIL were Australian, or you lived eg in the UK and she were British? I suspect you'd have been much less gentle already

Last edited by hairybadger; 17.06.2015 at 23:59.
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Old 17.06.2015, 23:53
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Re: The drop in

Excellent post Longbyt-

there is clearly a problem here with the MIL- and yet it made me think of all the many threads were people here that the Swiss just have to plan everything months ahead for visits and just cannot do anything without a previous formal appointment.
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Old 18.06.2015, 10:09
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Re: The drop in

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it made me think of all the many threads were people here that the Swiss just have to plan everything months ahead for visits and just cannot do anything without a previous formal appointment.
Me too. Quite honestly, when I glanced at this thread I thought I was in the wrong forum!

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But I think the frequency of the visits is important too.
Couldn't agree more. Once a week should be plenty unless there is a very special reason for dropping by. .

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Do you think they know social rules... Or a syndrome of being farming stock?
I confess I used to turn up at the farmhouse door at 4.00 p.m. from time to time to tell the farmer that one of his sheep was out again... Catering for farmers' appetites they had a fantastic spread on the table...

Re 'Meltdown' - I don't think I have ever known my Swiss husband (46 years of marriage) to be really angry at all, let alone have a melt-down. Wish I could say the same for me!

Joking aside, I wouldn't want to be in Aussie12345's shoes.
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