okay this is a tough situation and i could use some objective input. i have been in the process of moving from new york to lausanne for some months and finally finished officially just a few days ago. my fiance and i just moved into a new apartment in lausanne and i have been taking time to familiarize myself with local stores/people/etc.

a few days ago i stopped in an african food store to buy some plantains- i happen to be a warm, friendly and outgoing chica and was really happy to have a short conversation with the woman who worked in the store (she spoke some english). i asked if she had any papayas- and a man who worked there (but spoke no english) gestured to the fruit area in the back of the store. so i smiled to thank him and went to the back to look at the fruit. as i did, the man came up behind me and gave me a kind of hug from the side- i thought it was pretty forward and strange and began to pull away when he tightened his grip around me and smiled repeating " tres jolie, tres mignon". i pulled myself really forcefully away from him (he held me really tight) and i could swear he was trying to pull me into the back room ( the door was only a few feet away from where we stood. when i pulled away i was really in shock and confused and stupidly didn't say anything to the woman but bought my plantains and left, pretty shaken up and very confused. when i got home and told my fiance- he was very angry and wanted to go down there or call the police but i hesitated to do anything, because i was worried that i misread his intentions and honestly didn't want to get involved with the police or any problems at all.

well, after discussing it with different people my fiance wants me to go to the police and though i am still really shaken from it, i don't want to. a father of a friend who has worked in africa agreed with me in not going to the police and said that americans tend to be more friendly then the swiss and that in this case it was misread as something else. others say this is a problem with african immigrants in the area, although i have lived my whole life in nyc dealing with all sorts of immigrants including african and this was never a problem.

my question is has anyone had similar problems- what did you do? i would prefer to just steer clear of the store than to create problems in my new neighborhood. any advice?????

actually happened to me, not quite the same thing. but there was an older male person who just walked past me and grabbed my ass...

I was in shock and didnt say anything either...after standing there and thinking bout it I began to ask myself if he really did do that....

I should have said smth

really sry it happened to u but glad nothing worse happened

And now that I have your attention

Definitely its not the culture of any country to hug (tightly) someone without knowing and more so when the person is trying to pull away. Its better that you have a word with the lady on the counter and then report to the police.

true, it could happen to someone else too, so you should definitely do smth

I would lean toward a combination of the two... him harassing you is due to him mistaking your friendliness due to cultural differences.

I tend to be pretty friendly with the public in general, smile at everyone and such... and it has lead to a few occasions of my intent being mistaken, usually with fairly innocent approaches for better acquaintance but sometimes more bold propositions.

I tend to be non-confrontational though and would suggest bringing your sweetie with you on your next trip to the store - not for confrontation but as something of a display. This should help get the dual message across that you are taken AND (as archaic as it may sound) that you have a man to protect you.

I think the type of person who would mistake open friendliness such as you describe as something more are the type of people who would respond "correctly" to the display I mean.



My husband often gets onto me about being less open (less eye contact, less smiling, etc etc) but it is very hard for me to do.

Besides... it is always a great feeling when I get a smile back from someone, particularly from the older folks who seem genuinely surprised / pleased by a friendly smile.

The problem you're face with is you not being sure and unfortunately harrassers always know their meat.. they always pick on someone who they know will be unsure or feel uncertain regarding the situation and will later blame themselves for being *too friendly* bringing on the situation. No-one has the right to invade your space and physically touch you with out your invitation and he knew exactly what he was doing.. he wouldn't have tried it on if he felt for one second that you might knee him in the nuts and poke his eyes out.

Go tell the Police exactly what you have said here, tell them you are unsure but you should get them to write it up in case you have future problems with the man. You also have a responsibility to inform them as the next girl might not be so lucky and get dragged into the store room.

Take good care of yourself amaraya.

I would agree with Swisstree - people who harrass and bully and sexually assault other people "pick their victim".

They also thrive on the element of trust and surprise, and on making the other person feel weak - sexual assault is a power thing, not a sex or attraction thing...it's about making the other person feel helpless.

I've had a few situations and none of them were isolated incidents - I would definitely encourage you to report the incident at the police station so that there is a record if there is anything that arises in the future from this person...

It's normal to try to rationalise/deny/ignore this sort of thing, that's a normal protective behaviour for the victim.

I am absolutely sure you did not misinterpret his intentions- go with your gut feelings...

I had a similar incident with a man when I was only 17 and working in the local library in Australia...luckily one of other staff saw him - it was similar to what you describe...in my case I was putting books away on the shelf and he walked towards me and started to ask me where to find something...but as he spoke, he got closer and closer to me until he was really in my personal space...at that point one of the other staff intervened and told the man that the 'children's section is upstairs'...which I thought was a really silly thing to say...actually I was really *annoyed* later because this staff member told me that she knew the man and he had a history of inappropriate behaviour towards women in the library...

This was about 15 years ago, but even then she should have reported this guy...and especially as I was not his first 'victim'...

But I didn't report it either - I should have!

If this man has a history, it's really important that you report it...for the sake of the next young woman who is approached and maybe isn't as strong or as quick-thinking as you are...

And you know, there were 20-30 people in the library that day...it wasn't like it was in a 'secluded area'...sexual assault can happen right in front of other people and they don't even notice...

Duh!
If any adult woman thinks this could be "cultural differences" thing, well, I would be amazed at her....

May be other Africans in the forum can clarify if hugging a young woman tighter when she is attempting to free herself, while working as a migrant in Switzerland, is a "cultural thing" in that part of the world Lest someone come and say next that eating people is also a "cultural" thing.

p.s. my deepest sympathies for what happend, and my sigh of relief at what didn't happen next, just pointing out the other dimension of the post.

i thank all who resonded- really i've been trying to forget it ever happened- strange because i grew up in the bronx and i haven't really had to deal with it although i guess i let my guard down a bit in suisse. as i said i have been trying to forget it, but my man keeps asking details about it- he is very upset about it. as i go over it i am sure that he was trying to get me into the back room- i didn't really wanna think like this but i can see it a bit clearer when i explain it. i didn't think it was actually cultural differences exactly but i guess it was easier to blame myself than to think that this kind of behavior is possible even here. naive, yes i know but i kind of thought crime in suisse was a sort of joke. not so funny. my fiance is upset for many reasons but especially because my friendliness and warmth are one of the reasons he loves and appreciates me so much and that someone would take advantage of this bothers him (and me.). for me i grew up around the nypd so i'd rather not have anything to do with police! but it's true when i think of someone maybe more helpless or less suspicious i can't help but be tempted to go to the police.

i'd prefer not to send my fiance to the store because that can get ugly in itself- i'd rather he didn't confront the man or the people in the store. also, it is our new neighborhood- so i don't know how it is here- but where i'm from word travels fast and everyone can find out where each one lives so you understand my concern in this respect. maybe i can go, unofficially, to the police and explain? has anyone had any experience with the swiss police in this sense?

thanks again for all your input- it was so helpful and definitely gave me food for thought.

funny thing is that i train in martial arts for a long time (i've given plenty of black eyes when fighting and i do so for situations such as this but when confronted i just froze and tried to be polite...

I'm sorry if my post came across as if I think his attention was your fault... it wasn't.

My travels as well as experience with travelers to the US, I have had a long impression that folks from many areas of the world "expect" that American women are quite free with their bodies.

While his behavior was certainly improper, I am less certain there was something sinister about it as opposed to mistake of friendliness due to the reputation that (for whatever reason) American women seem to have.

Because of this, and because I have found myself having to rebuff unwanted advances due to my own "overly" (in some cultures) friendly nature, I myself would hesitate to report it to the police but you would be the best judge of the situation.

If you truly believe he had a sinister intent, I sincerely do hope you do report it.

I can only repeat again that what you did is a perfectly 'normal' and common response to being attached/assaulted - and the social 'mores' - the expectations of how people *should* behave in public...

Actually, it sounds like you did really well to pick up what was going on quickly and use your physical strength and the split second to get yourself out of the situation...

Please get your fiance to take you to the police to lodge a complaint. I am sure they can explain to you the procedure and what your options are....

It really is very important for the next woman who gets attacked/harrassed by this man...because I am 100% sure you are not the first, and will not be the last...


I don't have enough German/French or awareness of how the system works here in Switzerland (I'm actually trained to work as a community worker in Australia)...but if you want to do something anonymous you could try phoning the women's shelter service -
http://www.frauenhaus-schweiz.ch/
- my approach would be to phone them, and ask them if they have a worker who speaks good English, then explain what has happened and ask them to tell you what your options are...maybe your fiance would like to call them on your behalf ? - they won't be the 'right' service, but they should be able to give you some other numbers to call, and I'd definitely expect them to be able to explain what to expect if you lodge a police complaint...

It might also help to speak to someone who is aware of harrassment situations and can appreciate what you are going through, and maybe someone who can talk with you and your fiance, a 'third listening ear' in case this causes a lot of friction for you - these things can put a fair bit of pressure on your relationships...especially if you disagree about what action to take...

take care...

thanks so much peg a, no i think i felt it was more my fault in a way. i still haven't figured out what to do, to be honest- but i do find myself being much more paranoid and that's not really me- which makes me think. a suisse girlfriend said that it will haunt me untill i do report it, and though i try not to think of it it has changed me and i find myself not even wanting to go out unless my man comes with me. i've heard of what people think of american girls, but the guy thought i was spanish.

i think for now what i will do is steer clear of this particular shop, and speak to the police man that i see walking up and down our street all day just to have him aware of the situation and maybe see what he thinks.

it's funny cuz i've had stupid things happen in bars- but i chalked that up to dumb, drunk men and so i have avoided these situations alone. so surprised it would happen in broad daylight in switzerland. honestly, i feel much, much better with all your input.

Latching onto Swisspea's advice about contact through not-quite-"right" places, I know from recent experiences that took me to the university hospital here in Basel that the staff members at the women's clinic are quite the fount of information where it comes to all areas of women's needs... including some to help foreign women get along more smoothly here in Switzerland.

Perhaps another group of folks who can point you in a right direction as well as provide some counsel for your own feelings about the experience (and others that may come up) would be the women's clinic at your local hospital as well.



(I apologize in advance for any mis-spelling or lack of clarity, allergy medicine already causing evening brain-fog )

thanks~ actually just having a bonjour and a smile make me feel better- i can't let one slimy guys actions taint my friendly ways or the reciprocation of friendliness!

It is not things that you did, but things that you did not do which cause pain for the rest of your life ..

Hence do the brave thing to avoid losing self esteem .... no one has the time to think too much about the others . so don't get unnecessarily worried about the society and people .. just do the right thing ..

the offender will withdraw the moment his act receives publicity which he wishes to avoid at all costs ..

If I were you, I would first test the waters by letting someone mature go to the store and engage the lady in a conversation on this act.. her reaction would give an indication on what you are dealing with .... your secrecy would be maintained ... if he is a habitual offender he would not know which of the girls this person represents ......

the discussion would give you some material armed with which you can decide whether to approach the police or let the matter die ..

any issue which keeps you involved for a longer time is serious business .. so you have to decide how long you can take it ..

atleast you can try

Amaraya for starters if that is your real photo in your avatar then I would change it. Take on-line and off-line security seriously.

People similar to that shop keeper use trust and element of surprise. Was this guy husband of the female shopkeeper? Any idea what their relationship is? Was he your age or older? Next time leave all the goods and walk out of the shop instead of trying to maintain normalcy by paying for the items.

I think you should go and speak to the police on an informal basis at least. Btw what does "tres jolie, tres mignon" mean?

All I see the harrasment aspect in all the responses,but you allso mentiont culture difference. Where is this guy from?? Maybe you find the answer there

It means very pretty, very cute. What he said was not a problem, would he be doing the same with an old woman or kid? Even if it may be acceptable in his personal culture, it isn't yours. Always go with your gut feeling and never second guess yourself. You just sternly tell him loudly " No" drop the stuff and run. Too many times I have smiled felt awkward and tried to wriggle away feeling confused and humiliated, when this happened. Somehow my daughter has very clear boundaries and no qualms telling guys to get lost.