Last winter I mainly went snowboarding in Lenzerheide and enjoyed the Zurich nightlife a few times, but WHERE ARE ALL THE PARTIES IN WINTER??? I know that the weather isn't great, but there has to be something going on out there.

What concerts, club events, fashion shows, musicals, events are you going to this winter?

I shall be attending a series of somewhat wild parties to celebrate the Annual Penguin Cull in Einsiedeln.

In late Autumn each year, the number of penguins infesting the highlands of the Canton Congo reaches a critical point, soon after which the penguins are obliged, through maddening hunger, to raid the dustbins and kitchens of the honest housewives of the canton before beginning their winter migration down to the sunny lowlands of Freienbach and Pfaffikon.

It becomes necessary, therefore, to keep the population of penguins in Congo to a level which ensures that each penguin can sustain itself without recourse to theft and the violation of private property. Each year, the duty falls upon the Schiessverein of a different town in the canton to maintain the optimum penguin population by means of high velocity injections of lead.

This year, it is the turn of the Schiessverein of Einsiedeln to assume responsibility for the cull, which is why I shall be attending the parties throughout the months of November and December (the Abbott owes me a favour, but I'm not supposed to talk about that...).

The pain of shooting innocent penguins in cold blood weighs heavily upon the hearts of those upon whose shoulders the responsibility lies, and the parties at the close of the cull each Saturday evening tend to be lively affairs, the better to allow the marksmen to forget their anguish until the following Saturday morning when the cull begins afresh.

To this end, dancing girls, fireworks, narcotic substances, champagne, martinis, domestic animals, jugglers, fire eaters and goldfish are employed to keep the demons at bay for periods of anything up to 36 hours, from the start of festivities at six o' clock on Saturday evening, to the departure of the last marksman, usually around midnight on the following evening.

Imagine something resembling the Garden of Earthly Delights, but with more cheese and penguin meat, and you have something of an idea of what goes on.

It is very lively, and certainly not for the fainthearted, but much fun is had by all attendees, and those who finish their dinner and leave their plates clean earn themselves a delicious lollipop, so there really is something for everyone.

Is this the kind of thing you're looking for?

What happens to all the killed penguins afterwards? Do they have a big BBQ? Can people take them home for a traditional Sunday roast? Do you have to pay for your penguin or can you just wander around and p-p-p-p pick up a penquin?

Keep a regular eye on this and you will be able to pick and choose your entertainment for the Winter.

My Dear Dougal,
I have to warn you that the latest intelligence reports that the Penguins have prepared for this years cull and it may not go as anticipated. So, do take care.

Ok what about events related to what I mentioned? Musicals? Parties? Fashion shows? Stuff like that? Does anyone have good suggestions?

Sandgrounder already gave you one.

I know he gave ONE piece of advice but I'm sure people have other suggestions.
Thanks

Some people are never satisfied!

Did you actually click on the link? It covers all kinds of events, not just one.

Are you angling for a personal invite to the opening of the Zurich Fashion season or something?

There's the opera, if you like that sort of thing.

And the 20 Minuten (or is it the Blick?) has a daily list of what's on and where, clubbing-wise.

I don't know if either of those is helpful to you... one man's "parties" are another's protracted torments.

This magazine is available in all good newsagents' in the civilised parts of Switzerland (not sure if you'd be able to get it in Canton Congo, though)...

THANKS! I actually do read 20 Minutes and Blick. I should have thought of that before, but thanks for the reminder.

I can't get "Zurich geht aus" here in Basel. Oh wait -- you said civilised parts ...

...Canton Congo? What is meant by that?

You don't want to know what goes on in the winter there.

I've seen it!

It's... it's... oh, the horror! The horror!

Dougal's mis-spelled it -- he's very naughty like that. It's actually Canton Kongo. It's quite well known in ornithological circles. The elevated altitude results in generally cool conditions which suit penguins well, and is the reason for Kongo being home to the most northerly population of penguins in the world -- indeed, home to too many of them at times.

The Heart of Darkness: the deepest, murkiest, least civilised corner of the Confederation, where the men are men and the cows are afraid.

It begins at the end of Lake Zurich, and ends somewhere over the mountains, near the source of the Nile. Or the Sihl. One or the other.

There are things to be seen and heard there that no Christian should ever see or hear: Diabolical practices, alarming to all decent gentlemen and their mistresses.

There dwell, according to those who have been there and survived, cattle, dragons, gryffons, chimera, and Kimi Räikkönen.

It is a place of shadows, a place of fear.

So they might not have that magazine I recommended.

Conrad would be proud, where's FF Coppola when you need him ?