Hello everyone
Throughout my work as a counsellor, I meet some truly lovely people.
The expression “shit happens” often rings true and often seems so unfair.
Take for example the parents I met a few weeks ago, who tried for 8 years to have a child. Finally some £ 40,000 later they achieved their aim and successfully had an IVF child . Their aim was short lived, their adored little girl died age 3 years of Leukaemia, 6 weeks from being diagnosed.
So many times clients ask me “why me” or “why us”. “What have we ever done to deserve this?”
Equally so.........they ask “why bad people get such a good ride”?
The words it’s not fair ring very true!
What do you say?
What’s the answer?
I don’t know the answer .........do you ?
Of course none of us knows the true answer; some may say we find out in the afterlife, others simply say that **** happens!
I wondered if we could have a forum discussion on your opinions as to the reasons why, or indeed to share your own experiences of “why me “.
Maybe it can help fellow sufferers to at least find some kind of resolution or indeed reason when their seems no reason?
Sorry if I sound depressing but it is an interesting subject and full of individual opinions , each one important and valid in their own right and I for one am sure many others here would be interested to hear your thoughts and experiences too.
Cheers
Caroline

I think that the truth is that bad things also happen to bad people. It is just that in those cases less people are bothered by it.

It is similar to the perception that optimists have more good luck. It probably isn't the case. It is usually the case that optimists see the best in a bad situation. This will usually lead to creating your own good fortune.

I read an interesting article in The Daily Telegraph about Mike Oldfield, of Tubular Bells fame, who has had a history of perosnal difficulties and demons. He said in the end of the article:

I love the philosophy that everything that happens to you is the perfect thing to happen to you - even if you can't see it at the time. And if you can accept that, instead of struggling to be something else, you're well on the path to having a peaceful life.

I was very sorry to read about the parents that lost there little girl aged 3 years old to such an awful and painful illness how very sad, i have 2 children and i don`t know what i would do if i lost one of them.

I think i am a good person and have had many bad things happen to me recently i lost my Auntie who should not have died, it was due to a fall in hospital that caused her death.

When i think of all the bad people in this world that live until they are very old, and the good ones die young (talking here from past experience) it makes my blood boil

Nah, bad stuff happens to bad people too. Fewer people care about those things and because bad people have a less developed sensitivity, they don't even care as much about the bad stuff. This means you don't really hear about it. The reason why the death of a child affects a good person so much is because they're a good person, they're a victim of themselves.

I really like that, yep that makes good sense

Errrrrrrrr why ? How on earth can they be a victim of themselves ? How does that affect the child ?

Exactly !!!!!!!! This is what I mean, it is these type of clients who come to see me, they feel the same BUT ... Why ? Why not them ? Is what they ask..........what do I say ?

Why do they need to ask "why us and not some bad people"?
I think that is a very strange way of approaching human tragedies..

The three years old child that dies from a "good" couple or from a "bad" couple is still a child that dies, with no fault or whatsoever.. it is a tragedy in both cases.
There is not a reason why a child of that age had to die! there are not moral explanations..

The only thing I would say to a couple that lost a child is to let their sufferance out, to cry and scream as much as they need to do, to get themselves somewhere out in a big field and cry out loudly all their pain..
and then, when they've got not more tears left, to turn this pain in something else.. to transform it in something positive, a foundation, a book, an idea of their own..

Things happen. Period.

The question isn't why they happened but how to deal with it.

so............how do you ???

Everyone is different. There is no secret recipe to overcoming tragedy.

However, it's important to keep loving yourself, to forgive yourself if needed and to look forward the best way you can.

And to get professional help when it becomes all too overwhelming.

I think we are sold a lie if we think that bad things only happen to bad people, or vice versa, if you are 'good' then 'good things' will happen to you. Plenty of people peddle this lie...

I seek justice in this life, but do not find it. I hope that there is justice in the afterlife...

I think we are also sold some lie about being 'in control' of our lives. This is also a myth. We control very little about our lives. Striving to control your life is a pretty lost cause. Self-control is worth striving for, life-control is a myth.

I prefer the thousand year old wisdom of working to take each day, as it comes, to worry only for today, make the most of the day, and do not let your fears of the future cloud your ability to find joy in today...who knows what tomorrow may bring ?

If you aren't sold into the lie that 'if you are good, bad things won't happen' then I think you are better equipped to face the adversities of life, as they are. Take it just as it is...

I know plenty of people who hold onto the Christian promise that God won't throw more at us than we can handle...and to the secular humanistic view that humans are exponentially more gifted, capable and adaptable than we give them credit for (often)...and to simply 'hang in there' because there's not much else you can do sometimes.

I dunno what happens if you are a believer that if you are 'good' then only 'good things' will happen to you - because I never believed that...I find the suffering of life random..and am more surprised when good things happen, than when bad things happen...

Niceties are for people who have not suffered. I have experienced some measure of suffering, I no longer tolerate niceties....

Why do we expect the world to be fair ? - who promised to us it would be fair ? Where does that belief come from ? Why do we hold onto that belief ? What happens when it is challenged...what do we understand now.

When my daughter was 5 years old she came home from school really really really distressed because her 'best' friend told her that she would die first, because she was older.

My 5 year old was distressed at the idea of dying 'first' and at the same time she knew her friend was wrong, because she knew that sometimes babies die...first hand experience...the other 5 year old had no first hand experience of death, and was quite convinced that the 'natural order' of things was that the oldest people die first..

It was a good challenge for us in the balance between what we 'think' should be the natural order of things, and our first hand experiences which do not match this expectation...

Sad story. But do 'bad people' really exist? I'm not so sure. Some of us act better than others in some/many/most situations or are naturally more kind and considerate etc. But to be 'bad' as a person suggests that you have no good in you or that your role in life is to upset/disrupt/destroy. I don't think these people exist.

Yeah I'm sure names could be thrown at me of people who have done extremely bad things but I would be surprised if these people have never done something positive/kind in their life.

Considering I would thus categorise everyone as good (in one small way or another) then this is why bad things only happen to good people......

And how do you deal with it ?

Sometimes you just have to walk on...

Sometimes you can try to 'fix' the problem, and sometimes the problem is not something that has to be fixed.

If you are out of your depth, refer your client on to someone else. Death and dying is not everyone's gift.

At our church in Australia we buried one close member of our congregation every year for 6 years in a row. Young man with melanoma, wife and two small children, another man in his 50's who had recently retired developed Leukaemia, an elderly lady of 90+ years who suffered for many years, another lady who thought her life would finally improve now she had managed to separate from her abusive alcoholic husband and then was diagnosed with cancer and given 6 months to live, we seek justice and we do not find it...not in this life...

The question is one pondered for thousands of years. Religious texts are often the most accessible source of ideas of how the previous generations dealt with these issues.

There is no answer. One question leads to another, but I don't think you can have an answer to human suffering...

It's a cold uncaring universe.
There is no karma.
There is no big warm fuzzy God to make sure you never stumble and fall.
Bad things happen to good and bad people all the time.
People waste an inordinate amount of time trying to rationalize why good things happen to bad people and vice versa. Bad things happen to good people either by accident or by foolish naive choices. Good things happen to bad people by theft, deceit, etc.

Why are are asking on here? Aren't you supposed to know how to deal with with the peoples crises, that come to you? After all, you are the councellor?
Maybe you should look for some further training, if you are asking for help with your job on here.

I read your post and found it deeply disturbing...life often brings us pain after the happiest times of our lives. I also asked myself the same question in many different situations (why me? why us? what have we done to deserve this? ) in different painful situations that I wished never happened. After many years I could finally see that life is a cycle of joyful days and painful losses that can destroy us if we let them, and this is the most painful truth:we will eventually feel pain when we loose somebody dear, there is no other way, but we can manage to persist living and not to give up on our lives, because life is not only happiness, not at all.
There is also a new question I've learned to ask myself: Why not me? Why was I thinking that could be immune to suffering?
I´m no different from the others, we are all human beings, with our own problems and weaknesses, diseases, etc.

I think that one must above all, feel grateful for having the opportunity to be here, to have friends, to do something ... Being here above all is bliss from the beginning and that fact helped me to get myself together and keep going even when I thought I could not.

I think she ought to approach a priest with her concerns.

They were helping people to deal with the random crap that life throws at them when California was still Spanish and Freud still had bumfluff on his chin.

It is not about being in or out ones depth here, its simply about others views and opinions on the subject !

None of us have the answers, just our own personal opinions thats all