The WorldCup Buildup Thread

[PlantHead]

"I don't want to talk about the other team, I want to talk about ENGLAND"
- Ian Wright, paid pundit for the BBC, on his opinion of the other team

Every nation has now picked their final 23 man squad for the World Cup Finals in South Africa. The discussion about how rubbish the new balloon/ football is, has already begun and 20,000 sex workers have been imported in to keep the fans happy - Heskey still won't be able to score.

So lets get down to it and start getting excited.

I will start by giving a brief run down of the England team announced yesterday.


Goalkeepers
James, David - Not as famous as his musical brother Craig but still drops it like it's hot on a regular basis. Oft referred to as Calamity James, will have a strange hairdo during the world cup and will gift the opposition a goal because he thought he was playing playstation. Hopefully no longer no.1

Rob Green - England's 6th choice keeper could well become England's no.1
Can be counted on to stand in the goal and look scared, will grow stubble in an effort to look more frightening, however will still require a nappy change after each match.

Joe Hart - Is young, can read the game, isn't prone to making rash or bonkers decisions, controls his box well and is a good shot stopper. Will be outed at some point in the tournament for not being English.



Defenders
Ashley Cole - Ashley Cole's response to his agent, recounted in his autobiography, to being told Arsenal were planning to pay him not £60,000 a week but a mere £55,000 has already passed into legend. "He [Arsenal vice-chairman David Dein] is taking the piss, Jonathan!", Cole fumed in My Defence, recalling also that he almost swerved his car off the road in shock. "I was trembling with anger. I couldn't believe what I'd heard."

What a Kunt.

Rio Ferdinand - Often referred to by commentators as an Intelligent Footballer, referred to by everyone else as an Oxygen Thief. Is more broken than Ledley King, although if you tell him he will simply say "You've been merc'd ".
Currently Englands captain and was probably the best defender in Europe last season but after 9 months of injuries it is debatable whether he can still even run.

John Terry (Centre Back / Goal keeper) - Will be referred to by commentators as an English Lion and tough as old boots. Expect him to cry like a girl when a penalty is missed and to hoof the ball up the field in a clueless fashion. Has the turning circle of a canal boat and watching him accelerate into a run is like watching continental drift.
Also comes from a family of cockney villains and molests small children, as well as fellow players wives.
Will not have an expensive haircut at the World Cup.

Glen Johnson (Right Back) - Toilet seat thief, oft referred to as a Cafu-esque full back. In reality is to Cafu what a potato is to the moon.
Will run forward and try to dribble the opposing team however has no idea about defensive positioning. Lets hope he scores/ creates as many goals for England as he creates for the opposition.



Midfielders
Fat Frank Lampard (Near the box) - In the last world cup he was the player with the most shots on goal, yet he failed to score any. A fat public schooler, who once berated Alan "Jonathan Creek" Davies at an awards dinner for calling him fat and sh1t. Is Fat and sh1t.
His main talent is thumping the ball at the goal and hoping it bangs in off someone's arse he then points to the sky because that's where his mum lives. On a blimp, so she doesn't have to touch any proles.

Steven Gerrard - A man whose is praying for a receding hairline just so he can develop a forehead. Often has to "rescue" Liverpool from a poor performance by cheating horrifically and falling over in the box. We all hope he can regain this form for England.
Links up well with Rooney (the other scouse burglar in the team)

Joe Cole - Often impersonates a box of rocks and is another player to have just come back from injury. England's best player at the last world cup but apparently a last minute addition to the current squad.

Shaun Wright-Philips - His father will be happy but he will be the only one, everyone else is going to have to put up with the BBC sucking up to Wrighty whilst not showing how rubbish his son has played.
Look out for his innate ability to hoof the ball into row z when trying to pick out a pass, will also run extremely quickly in a straight line whilst chasing the football he has just punted 10 yards too far forward.
Will hopefully never get to pull on an England shirt

Aaron Lennon - If you need a football moved very quickly from one non-threatening area of the pitch to another (like the crowd or corner flag) then Lennon is your man. Incredibly small he may actually only be an infant masquerading as real man.
Has improved his crossing recently but still gets scared when presented with a barn door to hit.
Another player coming back from a long term injury.



Strikers
Wayne Rooney - Scouse Granny shagger whose hairline recedes with every game that he plays. Can be seen at any game angrily chasing after the ref, yelling till he is red in the face and kicking opposing players in the head. This is part of his bulldog spirit and what makes him a world class player.
England rely on Rooney to be creative and as soon as he gets himself sent off England will go out of the competition.

Emile Heskey - An incredibly black man who isn't very good at scoring goals.
Emile Heskey, striker, 58 caps 7 goals. Rene Higuita, keeper, 68 caps 8 goals. Jose Luis Chilavert, keeper, 74 caps 8 goals...
Has amazing skin (so my misses says) which is probably due to the the amount of time he spends on his face in the mud.

Earthquake warnings have been posted in South Africa whenever England are playing ...boom boom tsh.


Peter Crouch (good touch for a big man) - Famed for his robot dance and looking like a human photoshop, Crouch is actually rubbish and regularly gets sold by one rubbish club to another, a la Craig Bellamy. He has scored a lot of goals for England but usually against second and third rate teams like Scotland.

[lost_inbroad]

...well, you know the US is going to kick ya'lls buttocks

[HashBrown]

I've cheered for England all my life since my formative years there. But after living in Europe for a few years, I've found it very difficult to associate with such an annoying, arrogant bunch (both the footballers and their whole country).

So Go Spain!

But thanks for the passport.

[StirB]

You have a BRITISH passport HB, now join the rest of the UK in not supporting them!

[Assassin]

I could give a rat's a$$ about this non-event in Suid Afrika, but your character assassinations were literary genius. Your talents are wasted whatever it is that you do now.

[PlantHead]

	Quote:	StirB
	You have a BRITISH passport HB, now join the rest of the UK in not supporting them!

I heard your car was an insurance write off and that you had it glued back together with chewing gum.


Edit: Smart Arse Colonial

[HashBrown]

Right off from when?

[PlantHead]

Thought I'd post this as a bump.
WARNING CONTAINS BOOBS

[Natasha]

I will be going for Australia.

Once they are out, Holland. The Dutch give good party.

[PlantHead]

Looking like a potential England v Australia after the group stages.

Watched the convicts beating the Danish 1-0 yesterday (or the day before) looked better than in the last worldcup.
The Dutch looked unstoppable in their warm ups.

[Natasha]

I am looking forward to the Australia vs Germany match.

Watching with Ze Germans is going to be fun.

[Carlos R]

	Quote:	PlantHead
	The Dutch looked unstoppable in their warm ups.

They always do. Then they breeze through the groups... and crash out at the QF knock-out stage.

[PlantHead]

I used to say about the same of the Spanish, look good in the group stages and then always go out to a rubbish team in the Quarters....then they went and won in Swisstria.
I think this worldcup will be about the dark horses though, can't really see a great team (besides the Spanish) that can win it.

Also does anyone know if there is going to be a cinema showing the footy in 3d?

[Frontenac]

I'm stuck in the unlucky position of supporting France. I support them for the obvious reason, but unlucky because they are sure to crash out before the quarter-finals.

By the way, NZZ had a pretty nice test where you could check which team you should support.

[MrsM]

My husband and I are excited to watch the Australia vs Germany match. Although I know soccer is not so much our sport (Australia), I might be shamed, but I can still hope. My husband is Swiss but was born in Germany, so he'll be going for Switzerland and Germany:.

Aussie Aussie Aussie.....Oi Oi Oi!!!!!

[HTD]

	Quote:	Frontenac
	I'm stuck in the unlucky position of supporting France. I support them for the obvious reason, but unlucky because they are sure to crash out before the quarter-finals. By the way, NZZ had a pretty nice test where you could check which team you should support.

Please come to the Twist next Sat after closing hours so we can burn you at the stake.

[corrieorrie]

On Saturday evening after a fantastic day out in the sunshine, we all sat and watched 'Britain's got talent' The new world cup song was on there and we all loved it.

This is where the world cup starts, come on Eng-er-land!
We may not stay in all the way, but we will have lots of fun while it lasts. As soon as we're out, the mood changes for sure, but we're gracious enough to support another team still in there.

I'm going to get behind our fabulous country and party!

[HTD]

	Quote:	Natasha
	I am looking forward to the Australia vs Germany match. Watching with Ze Germans is going to be fun.

No its not because the Germans are going to beat you 4:1

[weejeem]

	Quote:	MrsM
	soccer is not so much our sport

S-o-c-c-e-r, pronounced "football"
.

[HTD]

	Quote:	weejeem
	S-o-c-c-e-r, pronounced "football" .

In IRL the ten or so oldest clubs are called football clubs after that its rugby football.