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Old 29.03.2011, 01:16
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

Spoke to my 70 year old father the other day, he just bought a used Yamaha dirt bike and was going to pick it up.

"You know how to ride, Dad?"
"Well, I never have, but I'm sure I know how!"
"You do have a helmet, right?"
"Uh, no.."
"Promise me you won't sit on that thing 'till you do, ok?"
"Um, I'll just ride it home and then only in the yard until I get one.."

But we're talking about the other way around.

We tend to worry about the ones we love, and tend to worry most for the little helpless ones we bring into this world. So it's normal to be protective.

In spite of his reckless nature in his golden years, in our youth Dad (and Mom) always made it clear what was permissible and what was not, what was safe and unsafe, and what the consequences were if we strayed from set boundaries. When I got my first pocket knife at 6 years old I was so careful not to cut myself or do any mischief with it not because I feared pain and blood as much as I feared disappointing my parents trust in me to own such an object.

Seems normal to me to hover a bit as a 2 or 3 year old struggles up the jungle gym, all kids are different but necks aren't made of steel and a 2 meter fall can do more than cause a bloody nose. 'Course I could make up some labels and sell bottles of Common Sense to those that need it all day long.


For sure micromanaging a child's actions is counterproductive. But kids are kids and they need guardians and chaperones, at least on the sidelines ready to step in at a moment's notice, more so when they are young and less so as they grow.

There's a little playhouse in our Migros cafeteria; was there the other day and MiniMuddess was all alone in there when a Mom showed up with a slightly older boy (5-6?). He climbed up in the house, and as deftly as Fred Astaire took hold of MM and leaned her back and jammed his thumb in her eye. I jumped but his mom had him out of there so fast there was smoke in the air and the whole restaurant learned what a tongue lashing sounds like in Russian. Should we have not been watching? Should we have left them to sort it out? I think it's good that MM saw her attacker get his, both kids had reinforced a little lesson in right and wrong.
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Old 29.03.2011, 19:30
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

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What made me think of this was a questionnaire I just filled in for our kindy. They looked at me bewildered when they read that we love their care and devotion and would also appreciated if our daughter came home everyday dirty and stimulated, as opposed to clean and calm.
Oh, I like this too - in our house, it's called 'wearing your day'. Any kid with an age in single figures* should be 'wearing their day' come bedtime - paint, glue, mud, grass stains, specks of glitter, etc. The other great mantra is 'oh well, everything washes'.

* The older ones should come home clutching projects too, but have enough coordination not to decorate themselves along with the cardboard.
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Old 29.03.2011, 19:56
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

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There's a little playhouse in our Migros cafeteria; was there the other day and MiniMuddess was all alone in there when a Mom showed up with a slightly older boy (5-6?). He climbed up in the house, and as deftly as Fred Astaire took hold of MM and leaned her back and jammed his thumb in her eye. I jumped but his mom had him out of there so fast there was smoke in the air and the whole restaurant learned what a tongue lashing sounds like in Russian. Should we have not been watching? Should we have left them to sort it out? I think it's good that MM saw her attacker get his, both kids had reinforced a little lesson in right and wrong.
The other day I was at the doctor with my daughter when a boy came into the room (maybe a year older than my 2.5 years old) He was showing off his little brother's scan. Was cute.

Until he thought it could be fun to bully my daughter (his mother was no where around) He began to kick her in the leg and my daughter was telling him No no no! He kept doing it and try to stuck her in the corner of the room so mini-Nil couldn't get out of his grip. She began to be distress and I stepped in with screaming a Oi! to the boy, I told him to stop and that little chap was holding my look with evil eyes...

I began to slowly speak in french knowing he couldn't understand but in a tone that was very calm and steady. When is mom came in, he began to complain about me and when he left, he turn around, gave me a look and showed me his tongue. Little B**t*rd. His mom? didn't care not even a nano second.
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Old 29.03.2011, 20:01
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

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I haven't noticed it at all with Swiss parents but have seen it a lot back in the U.K.

Of course, those parents that do it back in the U.K. cannot see themselves in this light.
Dead right, i could not agree more. The UK really is a "cotton wool" society with children.
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Old 30.03.2011, 10:00
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

There was an article in this morning's 20 mins about Swiss parents making their children wear cycling helmets just to go to the play area . Apparently a four year old in Germany had died when his helmet got caught in a piece of apparatus and he was strangled by the chin starp. According to the article, the vast majority of educationalists and child psychologists were quite rightly very critical of the practice, not only because of the dangers involved, but also the message it sends to the little darlings.
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Old 30.03.2011, 10:14
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

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There was an article in this morning's 20 mins about Swiss parents making their children wear cycling helmets just to go to the play area . Apparently a four year old in Germany had died when his helmet got caught in a piece of apparatus and he was strangled by the chin starp. According to the article, the vast majority of educationalists and child psychologists were quite rightly very critical of the practice, not only because of the dangers involved, but also the message it sends to the little darlings.
Thanks for the tip. Often my son just dumps his bike and runs straight for the climbing frame in a playground without first ditching his helmet. Never thought it could be the undoing of him!

I saw a child once slip down the middle pole of a large rope climbing frame and got caught by her ears (of all things!) between the pole and a closely tied rope, effectively hanging herself. I was able to hold her up by her knees while her frantic dad scaled the frame to unhook her ears. Unfortunately, the weight of dad scrambling up the frame pulled the rope tighter around the girl's head so she had a bit of a red welt by the time she was back on the ground.

She was fine after a good cry and a Farmer bar.
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Old 31.03.2011, 13:37
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

I work in a kinderbetreeung and I've seen parents who will not leave their kids. They stay in the room when they could easily take the chance to go in the cafe in the same room. One mum ( very nice lady), 8 month pregnant, would not stand more than 1 meter away from a 2 year old and was still breastfeed her. She did n't give one chance for a daughter to interact with other kids or try out things by herself. Very wierd. And I know these kids have not problems. they are healthy, were not premature.. etc..

On the other end, i have a neighbour who let her 3 year old play unattended with my 6 year old and the other kids... today, the girl is 4 and i watched her from her balcony fall flat on her face from the slide .So my daughter ran to the mom's flat to get help...

2 extremes..
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Old 31.03.2011, 16:31
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

When we were young we went off on our own, played in the river, built tree houses, made our 'gangs', dug up nice stones, bugs. Sat and ate dads vegetables plot bare, dug holes to Australia(3 feet max)
Went fishing and held worms and maggots in our mouths whilst we tied on a new hook. Experimented with smelly things. I could go on forever.
We had runny noses, occasional broken bones from those trees, broken pride from scrapping with each other. We came home when it was dark. Covered in stings or bits of plant AND we were happy, healthy and albeit young, wordly wise.
We respected our parents or elders, did as we were told and scrubbed up well too.
Were my parents bad parents? They most certainly were not, they still are wonderful people and I love them to bits.

We live in a world that is politically correct, fearful from each other and TOO clean.
Baby drops dummy? Pick the fluff off and shove it back in, never mind this replace or sterilise crap. GIVE them germs. If these kind of parents are honest, they are more frightened off their own reputation through peer pressure or are so bloody scared after a crap upbringing themselves! Let your children live a little, let them experience life and for god sake sort out that discipline ( or complete lack of it ! )
I have 2 kids. 8 and nearly 5 , they are clever, wise, diplomatic and mature with manners they would run rings round half of these simpering idiotic parents without even trying to.
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  #49  
Old 31.03.2011, 16:41
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

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..from a 2 year old and was still breastfeed her...
Why is this illustrating an extreme? Extended nursing is pretty normal for a bunch of folks I know, and far from being overprotective. Times have changed.

I do have a friend who's neighbor would constantly let her 3yr old always bug them. Alone. Every single day, the kid was so bored of being alone and unattended, unstimulated, that she would come over to my friends and knock on the door. So sad. My friend is too nice and wouldn't tell her slack mom neighbor to actually fetch her kid at 7pm, when they want to have their peace and eat their dinner.

That's another extreme. If you have kids, take care of them. Sometimes neglect is just excused as "giving the kiddo a chance to grow up". Bull. can't stand overly anxious parents, but honestly, understand them. So what, they love differently. I am not going to be the bad as# momma who brags about being negligent. Germs, yes, a little bit of benign neglect, yes, but completely abandoning your child letting it roam outside is sad. I wouldn't even frown at moms who walk their kids to school. So what. Our area is so logistically dangerous and nutty, all parents walk their kids to school, local and expat.

This is not to counterpoint you personally, olygirl, just pondering over things...
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Old 31.03.2011, 16:47
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

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The other day I was at the doctor with my daughter when a boy came into the room (maybe a year older than my 2.5 years old) He was showing off his little brother's scan. Was cute.

Until he thought it could be fun to bully my daughter (his mother was no where around) He began to kick her in the leg and my daughter was telling him No no no! He kept doing it and try to stuck her in the corner of the room so mini-Nil couldn't get out of his grip. She began to be distress and I stepped in with screaming a Oi! to the boy, I told him to stop and that little chap was holding my look with evil eyes...

I began to slowly speak in french knowing he couldn't understand but in a tone that was very calm and steady. When is mom came in, he began to complain about me and when he left, he turn around, gave me a look and showed me his tongue. Little B**t*rd. His mom? didn't care not even a nano second.
Little $h!t. The parent is no better! ...But of course he had to learn that it's acceptable to do that kind of thing from someone.
It's amazing the number of parents who think the sun shines out of their little darling's backside.

Apparently me and my older brother were playing with the daughter (older than me and younger than my brother) of my Mum's friend. (They were drinking a glass of wine and gas bagging, as you do.) The little girl started shoving and kicking me. My Mum was like , but my Mum's friend said "Oh, never mind. They'll sort it out." Then my big brother stepped in and sorted her out. Naturally her Mum was then , but hey, they sorted it out, didn't they?

It's nice for those who have a wonderful big brother like I do, but there is definitely a point where parents (adults, who should know better,) need to step in.

My parents were always very supportive and there if we needed them, but otherwise we always entertained ourselves. We had a few building blocks and teddies, but we mostly went out to the beach etc as a family with friends, played with stuff laying around home: tea towels as superman capes (which my brother established did *not* enable him to fly after jumping from a high fence), sheets and a clothes rack to make huts inside, music instruments to play, Dad's vinyl record collection we were allowed to explore and play, a garden outside and a hose to make mud pies, trees to climb, an old swing, a water sprinkler to play around, bikes and old go-carts to ride... Heaps of fun.

If I can do half as well as my parents did for my kids, I'll be happy.

Keep up the good work Mums and Dads!

Puddy
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Old 31.03.2011, 17:17
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

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Why is this illustrating an extreme? Extended nursing is pretty normal for a bunch of folks I know...


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Old 31.03.2011, 17:43
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

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Little Britain
So not funny!

Though i have known the odd ex-boyfriend to be like that..
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Old 03.04.2011, 22:05
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

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. If you have kids, take care of them. Sometimes neglect is just excused as "giving the kiddo a chance to grow up".
^

You can take care of your kid without having to suffocate them.
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Old 03.04.2011, 22:24
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

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^

You can take care of your kid without having to suffocate them.
Absolutely, that's what my link to Iddle Parenting was..
I agree. You can also take care of kids without being negligent. I don't think any moms on EF are suffocating their kids with too much attention, when you think how time consuming EF can be
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Old 03.04.2011, 22:29
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

My sister-in-law is a helicopter parent. She won't let her son, my nephew grow. He is now 8, but she smothers him.

She would and still does sit with him at night until he goes to sleep, she is there sometimes until midnight.

She was constantly stressed when he was a baby because he 'cried too much'. They went to doctor after doctor to try to sort the problem out.....I am not even sure there was a problem, just that she reacted every time he made a whimper, so her stress and his learned behaviour made the situation worse.

He had problems even with his bowel movements, because she made such a big deal out of everything which in turn stresses him out.

He recently started a new school. She also insisted on going to the school everyday for two weeks (private school) and sat with him in class until he settled in.

She needs to chill out and let the kid breathe.
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Old 03.04.2011, 22:36
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

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My sister-in-law is a helicopter parent. She won't let her son, my nephew grow. He is now 8, but she smothers him.

She would and still does sit with him at night until he goes to sleep, she is there sometimes until midnight.

She was constantly stressed when he was a baby because he 'cried too much'. They went to doctor after doctor to try to sort the problem out.....I am not even sure there was a problem, just that she reacted every time he made a whimper, so her stress and his learned behaviour made the situation worse.

He had problems even with his bowel movements, because she made such a big deal out of everything which in turn stresses him out.

He recently started a new school. She also insisted on going to the school everyday for two weeks (private school) and sat with him in class until he settled in.

She needs to chill out and let the kid breathe.
I feel for the kiddo but for her as well...it must be taking toll on her, too.
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Old 07.04.2011, 08:55
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

I'm surprised the teachers were allowing her into the classroom.
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Old 07.04.2011, 10:11
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

I get parents like this in my swimming classes. They hover around the edge of the pool, and the child continues to wail. These parents really don't realise that their kids don't do this when they aren't around. They think they are helping their child get over some perceived trauma, when in fact one does not exist.
I try to separate the parent from the child, if it doesn't work I just leave them to it, if they wanna pay for a course then have the kid learn nothing, selbe schuld! (It's their own fault!)
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My sister-in-law is a helicopter parent. She won't let her son, my nephew grow. He is now 8, but she smothers him.

She would and still does sit with him at night until he goes to sleep, she is there sometimes until midnight.

She was constantly stressed when he was a baby because he 'cried too much'. They went to doctor after doctor to try to sort the problem out.....I am not even sure there was a problem, just that she reacted every time he made a whimper, so her stress and his learned behaviour made the situation worse.

He had problems even with his bowel movements, because she made such a big deal out of everything which in turn stresses him out.

He recently started a new school. She also insisted on going to the school everyday for two weeks (private school) and sat with him in class until he settled in.

She needs to chill out and let the kid breathe.
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Old 07.04.2011, 10:15
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

I've had a nightmare financing this helicopter parenting. When junior was small we managed with the Robinson R22 to cart his butt down to Kindergarten.

Then, when his sister joined the Assassin clan we had to upgrade to a Dauphin which had good range for getting to the pool.

Now, with university and overseas trips, we've had to upgrade to the CH-47 Chinook which also allows the kids to take their SUVs with them abroad. Some may say that we're spoiling them, but I think that you have to watch out for your kids and if that includes sweeping the area with small arms fire to secure the LZ (Landing Zone) then we're willing to accept some civilian casualties.
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Old 07.04.2011, 10:38
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Re: Helicopter parenting: are you over protective?

I have worked with many children in my practice. Although it is much less by choice. Many parents have brought their children for me to work on their kids when the parents need to be ones that need the work. When I do suggest it then it is bye, bye or basically get on with the job and fix the child. Every so often O get parents who hear and also work on themselves and it is wonderful to watch as the family begins to grow.

Those with most stress and anxiety are the ones who need the help the most but who do not like to admit to it which is part of the anxiety.

Many children at young ages have stress and anxiety because this is what they learn from the parents. They grow up and pass it on to their children and so on.

You to delineate between an obsessive compulsive parent/person and the natural loving and caring of a child.

My children are now in their 20s. As I look back the hardest part of bringing up my children was letting go and showing trust in my children. Allowing them to grow and be who they are. When I let go I let them be independent and think for themselves. I know that many times when I was angry with them it was because I was trying to control them and they were not doing what I wanted them to do.

There is not much you can say to a controlling anxiety driven parent. They will not hear you so the best is to get on with being the best parent you can be but not a parent better than some one else.
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