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Old 20.02.2013, 09:30
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I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

My kid goes to Kleinkindergarten with two other kids in the neighbourhood. The other two mums and the grandparents take turns to take the kids to and from Kindergarten. I've offered multiple times to take the kids but my offers have always been declined so I stopped offering. They'd gladly take my kid along but they don't need me to take a turn. Fine.

Yesterday, it was Mama J's turn to take the kids. So when my kid was a half hour late coming home I started to wonder where they were but not really worried because I knew she was with Mama J. Or so I thought. It turns out that Mama J had an appointment and couldn't go pick the kids up. So she told them they could walk home by themselves. For the very first time! Without informing me!

This is the part where I start ranting so bear with me or skip the entire paragraph. I am not a paranoid mother. Not overly anyway. I know my kid will have to learn to walk to and from KG by herself sooner than later. I know she is capable of it. And yes, she did come home safe yesterday. But come on! I should decide when my kid is ready to walk the stretch alone. Not her. She should have had the courtesy of informing me that she couldn't pick the kids up. I could have gone. And if she really can't stand the idea of me picking up her kids I'll gladly leave her kids to walk by themselves. I asked the other mum today if she knew about it and guess what, she did. So Mama J just conveniently neglected to inform ME. She lives right next door. She could have just rang my bell or given me a ring if she didn't want to see my face. But noooo, even that is too much. I don't know if I've ever said something or done something to upset her. She's always been weird with me but this is crossing a line. It's plain irresponsible! And this is not even the first time something like this has happened. One time I had to go out and my MIL was home waiting for my daughter. I ran into Mama J with her kid and she told me that my kid was just behind her. I found my daughter an entire street behind her! If something had happened to her, that woman would not have even known about it.

Am I overreacting? Is this how things work here? EIther way, I can't trust her with my kid anymore and I don't want her taking my kid to or from KG anymore. I want to confront her but I don't want things to get ugly since we still need to live next to each other and our kids play and go to school together. Should I tell her or should I play her game and just start taking my kid to KG myself on her days? Is there a third option?
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Old 20.02.2013, 09:48
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

This is an easy answer. If you can't trust the neighbor to walk your child and yet you feel she needs to be accompanied to school, then do it yourself.

I don't understand why you would trust your daughter to be walked to school by someone that you describe as "weird" in the first place.

If I were you, I would not confront your neighbor given that the arrangement that seems to be in place does not sound as if it is a formal one (with each parent bearing equal responsibility for walking the children), but rather one in which the neighbor(s) allows your child to accompany her when she walks her child. As you say that you have already had a previous situation in which you felt like your daughter was not adequately supervised, you should have addressed the issue with your neighbor at that time in order to lay down some expectations, if you wished for the arrangement to continue.

In my view, you are not entitled to get irate when it sounds like from the neighbor's point of view they were just doing a favor for you or allowing your child to walk along with their children rather than sharing a responsibility in equal parts with you.

Last edited by Textoch; 20.02.2013 at 10:02. Reason: Grammar - Arggh
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Old 20.02.2013, 09:49
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

I would be very very upset too. Like you, I would want to tell her but I know it will make things worst so from now on, if I was you, I will take care myself of my daughter and stop relaying on that woman. Ever.
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Old 20.02.2013, 09:55
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

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My kid goes to Kleinkindergarten with two other kids in the neighbourhood. The other two mums and the grandparents take turns to take the kids to and from Kindergarten. I've offered multiple times to take the kids but my offers have always been declined so I stopped offering. They'd gladly take my kid along but they don't need me to take a turn. Fine.

Yesterday, it was Mama J's turn to take the kids. So when my kid was a half hour late coming home I started to wonder where they were but not really worried because I knew she was with Mama J. Or so I thought. It turns out that Mama J had an appointment and couldn't go pick the kids up. So she told them they could walk home by themselves. For the very first time! Without informing me!

This is the part where I start ranting so bear with me or skip the entire paragraph. I am not a paranoid mother. Not overly anyway. I know my kid will have to learn to walk to and from KG by herself sooner than later. I know she is capable of it. And yes, she did come home safe yesterday. But come on! I should decide when my kid is ready to walk the stretch alone. Not her. She should have had the courtesy of informing me that she couldn't pick the kids up. I could have gone. And if she really can't stand the idea of me picking up her kids I'll gladly leave her kids to walk by themselves. I asked the other mum today if she knew about it and guess what, she did. So Mama J just conveniently neglected to inform ME. She lives right next door. She could have just rang my bell or given me a ring if she didn't want to see my face. But noooo, even that is too much. I don't know if I've ever said something or done something to upset her. She's always been weird with me but this is crossing a line. It's plain irresponsible! And this is not even the first time something like this has happened. One time I had to go out and my MIL was home waiting for my daughter. I ran into Mama J with her kid and she told me that my kid was just behind her. I found my daughter an entire street behind her! If something had happened to her, that woman would not have even known about it.

Am I overreacting? Is this how things work here? EIther way, I can't trust her with my kid anymore and I don't want her taking my kid to or from KG anymore. I want to confront her but I don't want things to get ugly since we still need to live next to each other and our kids play and go to school together. Should I tell her or should I play her game and just start taking my kid to KG myself on her days? Is there a third option?
So its not the first time something like this has happened?

I would suggest it is you that is irresponsible to your child, after the first time you should have taken her yourself.
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Old 20.02.2013, 10:19
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

I would be very upset as well of this happens to me.

But if you offered her to walk the children and she declined, it meant she didn't trust you with her children, so why would you trust yours with her?

I don't think is a good idea confronting her, just walk your child everyday yourself, and I'm sure she will know why you changed the routine.
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Old 20.02.2013, 10:32
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

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So its not the first time something like this has happened?

I would suggest it is you that is irresponsible to your child, after the first time you should have taken her yourself.
Agree

Leaving your daughter to walk a street behind her should be a BRIGHT RED FLASHING ALARM BELL to take responsibility yourself.

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I would be very very upset too. Like you, I would want to tell her but I know it will make things worst so from now on, if I was you, I will take care myself of my daughter and stop relaying on that woman. Ever.
Agree
Just chalk the exerience up as part of the learning curve and move on.
You know what's best for your daughter.
I'll elaborate on why not confronting the woman is a good idea below.

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I would be very upset as well of this happens to me.

But if you offered her to walk the children and she declined, it meant she didn't trust you with her children, so why would you trust yours with her?

I don't think is a good idea confronting her, just walk your child everyday yourself, and I'm sure she will know why you changed the routine.
Agree
Not only will she know why the routine changed....... but she probably won't care, hence talking to the woman won't resolve anything.

It really seems that the trust isn't on 'her' side either, so the agreement to look after each others kids was doomed right from the start.

What is important though is the kids - Don't make things hard on them just because you have your differences with the parent.
This, I assume will only make things harder on your kid at school if there is distance placed between them by the parents.
(In saying this, I'm assuming that you otherwise think the kids are actually OK).

I agree with you, that it was poor form of the other lady to allow your child to walk home without telling you first. I won't speculate if her decision was based on her other 'appointment' or not.

You are the parent, take control of your childs upbringing. Don't complicate things but telling another parent what you think of their ability to raise a child....... by all accounts, that never ends well anyway.
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Old 20.02.2013, 10:52
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

Hi
I also have 2 small children and I also have a swiss neighbour whom I paid to be a day-mother to them.

I can emphatise with your situation and I do not want to conclude hastily but I suspect it has something to do with "differences in parenting culture".
I am not saying who is right and who is wrong.
What's really important now, I think, is how to go forward.

Many swiss parents are more easy with children walking to and from school. It is in their mind, surely OK, to ask your child to walk home alone. In their minds, it is nothing wrong.

However, your description seems to indicate that it could be perceived that you are not doing something for the mother in return.

1. You can bake something and enhance your relationship with this mother
2. You can send a thank you card made with your child / some flowers?
3. You can also co-walk on some days with her
4. You can ask her if she wants to be paid for taking your child for 1 or 2 afternoons, etc? 8chf per hr is the rate.

Swiss people are not very open to accepting your offer to walk their children etc. But if you co-walk with them on several occasions, perhaps the chemistry will start?

Another possibility is that that mother does not wish to walk your child anymore.
If that is the case, then you should train your child and be prepared to walk her there yourself.

In any case, you should take this sentence out of your system "I can't trust my neighbour anymore".
It poisons your mind and you may endanger the fragile relationship even more.

Good luck.
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Old 20.02.2013, 11:06
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

I would hazard a guess and suggest that this thread never went the way it was intended to go for the OP
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Old 20.02.2013, 11:56
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

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I would hazard a guess and suggest that this thread never went the way it was intended to go for the OP
Why? Nobody groaned her or told her she overreacted! People gave her good and sound advice, agreeing that the situation was inacceptable. I think everybody's been very helpful so far.
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Old 20.02.2013, 13:32
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

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Why? Nobody groaned her or told her she overreacted! People gave her good and sound advice, agreeing that the situation was inacceptable. I think everybody's been very helpful so far.
I think she was looking for a bit more support as in 'she was right and her neighbour was wrong' hence the rant (her words not mine) rather than to be told after the first incident she should have taken responsibility herself.

And MarkL2005 thanks for my first 'drive by' groan, its appreciated.
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Old 20.02.2013, 13:39
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

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I think she was looking for a bit more support as in 'she was right and her neighbour was wrong' hence the rant (her words not mine) rather than to be told after the first incident she should have taken responsibility herself.

And MarkL2005 thanks for my first 'drive by' groan, its appreciated.
indeed, congratulations for setting her straight, you must be very proud.
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Old 20.02.2013, 13:39
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

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I would hazard a guess and suggest that this thread never went the way it was intended to go for the OP
Very clever. I don't think your response is going the way you intended it to either....
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Old 20.02.2013, 13:41
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

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I think she was looking for a bit more support as in 'she was right and her neighbour was wrong' hence the rant (her words not mine) rather than to be told after the first incident she should have taken responsibility herself.

And MarkL2005 thanks for my first 'drive by' groan, its appreciated.
I hear that people can't handle the truth
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Old 20.02.2013, 13:43
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

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Am I overreacting? Is this how things work here? EIther way, I can't trust her with my kid anymore and I don't want her taking my kid to or from KG anymore. I want to confront her but I don't want things to get ugly since we still need to live next to each other and our kids play and go to school together. Should I tell her or should I play her game and just start taking my kid to KG myself on her days? Is there a third option?
Yes, I do believe you are overreacting.

The neighbour does not trust you with her child, but is okay to let your child sort of follow her to school. She made it clear that she takes no responsibility for your child. Besides, you don't pay her or otherwise remunerate her, so why should you be offended if she fails to live up to your expectation?
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Old 20.02.2013, 13:44
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

It's hard to believe that a child, together with other children, can't go to Kindergarten without mummy. They know the way by now. There may be other circumstances - a main road or something, but honestly, where's the problem otherwise?
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Old 20.02.2013, 13:46
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

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indeed, congratulations for setting her straight, you must be very proud.
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Very clever. I don't think your response is going the way you intended it to either....
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I hear that people can't handle the truth
I guess its true what the say what goes around............................
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Old 20.02.2013, 14:03
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

Think the woman is making it obvious that she's not interested in co-operating with you in taking/fetching the children from Kindergarten or encouraging the friendship between your children. Have similar memories and experiences from when my children were in Kindergarten.

It's useful to know that friendships between children are very much manipulated by the mothers in the early years. When my son was in the 3rd class the teacher was astounded that I allowed and encouraged my children to play with almost anyone and everyone. She said it was not usual as , according to her way of thinking, children should only play with each other when the mothers "sit together" i.e. are also friends.
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Old 20.02.2013, 14:30
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

Perhaps I was the irresponsible one for still allowing my daughter to walk with her after the first incident. I didn't say anything and let it slide because I thought I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and I didn't want to upset our "weird" relationship any further. She was just weird with me but I didn't think she would bring the kids into it which was another reason why I let her walk mine.

As for how my daughter came to walk with these kids. I did not force my child onto anyone. THEY offered to walk my kid. Some people seem to be under the impression that this mum is the only person walking the kids to and from KG. There are 4 guardians (mums & grandparents) taking turns. As I've mentioned, there are 4 kids in the group and they came up with the idea of taking turns to walk the kids to school. When I used to walk her to KG along with the group and the other guardian, they would offer time and again to walk her as well. So I took them up on the offer and offered to take a turn. I guess I was wrong there too. I didn't think I had to pay anyone any remuneration for something they were offering to do.

It was mentioned a few times that she declined my offer because she didn't trust me. I honestly don't know what I might have done to make her distrust me. Maybe she just doesn't trust asians.

All in all, thanks for your input. I'll be walking her myself from now on or even start her walking there by herself.

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It's hard to believe that a child, together with other children, can't go to Kindergarten without mummy. They know the way by now. There may be other circumstances - a main road or something, but honestly, where's the problem otherwise?
The problem is she betrayed my trust. I know my kid is capable of walking home alone and if I had known that she was, I would know when to panic i.e. when my kid is a half hour late coming home, and when not to i.e. when she is with an adult I thought I could trust. And yes, there is a main road the kids have to cross.
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Old 20.02.2013, 14:37
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

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It's hard to believe that a child, together with other children, can't go to Kindergarten without mummy. They know the way by now. There may be other circumstances - a main road or something, but honestly, where's the problem otherwise?
I suspect it's a cultural thing. I'm not sure where the OP is from, but in Australia there is absolutely no way a kindergarten-aged child would walk to kindergarten without an adult. I was gobsmacked to discover that kids as young as 4 walk around on their own, and although it's clearly the done thing here, I know that I am going to struggle with it next year when my daughter goes.
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Old 20.02.2013, 14:49
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Re: I can't trust my neighbour anymore. What do I do?

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I suspect it's a cultural thing. I'm not sure where the OP is from, but in Australia there is absolutely no way a kindergarten-aged child would walk to kindergarten without an adult. I was gobsmacked to discover that kids as young as 4 walk around on their own, and although it's clearly the done thing here, I know that I am going to struggle with it next year when my daughter goes.
Like wise in the UK (although it was not always like this) but I have to say I think it is fantastic but as you say it does take a bit of getting used to.
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