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Old 25.03.2008, 12:04
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Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

I caught my 14 year old son looking at "you porn" the other night. I confiscated the computer. I know all the blocks etc... to spare you all that advice.

I would like some other reasons why he would be better off waiting till he is older to see all of that.

My husband thinks we can't stop him from looking. I think he needs to have his own experiences before he thinks he should be doing things he might have seen on line. Let me know your thoughts.
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:07
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

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I think he needs to have his own experiences before he thinks he should be doing things he might have seen on line.
You would really prefer your 14yo to go out and have sex than watch a video of it online...come on, think about it, the only way he can get these experiences is either by watching the video or going and experimenting.

Much as i hate to pun, it's a toss up.
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:08
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

Two options - firstly, educate him and allow him to surf smut. They all do it.

Secondly, take steps to stop him. You have a home router? Try www.opendns.org as your name servers - there are FAQs on the site.

I'll allow this as it's more a Daily Life/Family Matter than a computer help thing...
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:08
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

I'm of the mind that you sit down and explain to him that pornography is "made-up" and not representative of actual sex.
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:10
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

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You would really prefer your 14yo to go out and have sex than watch a video of it online...come on, think about it.
14 ?

Late starter isn't he ?

Sunday Times - Teenage Sex
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:13
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

sorry for the misunderstanding
I don't want him to go out and have sex until he has a steady girlfriend and he is mature enough. This could be a few years away, I am saying that the day that comes he will have seen so much smutt that he will not know what is normal!
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:14
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

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I'm of the mind that you sit down and explain to him that pornography is "made-up" and not representative of actual sex.
Hmm, not sure that's fair, it could scar him for life, it's like finding out Santa's not real or that you don't really have pillow fights in your PJs.
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:14
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

These days it's difficult. When I was young we had to get geniune porn from someone who stole it from their dad etc. Porn was hard to get.

Today it's everywhere and you have to wonder what it must be like being 14 and having the internet and all of its wonders at hand.

There is nothing you can do to stop it. There are webfilters you can put in place, in fact there is a thread about that.

I think open and honest communication with one's child can take the edge off a budding obsession. Taboo is always more appealing, so banning it will only throw fuel on the fire.

The dangerous thing about youporn though is that a lot of it is home-made (I've heard) and beyond voyeuristic.

You're in a pickle that I think only smart and honest parenting can get you out of. it comes down to the understanding of quality, we want our kids to understand quality and even when it comes to porn and smut, there is scraping the bottom of the barrel and there's, well, scraping the bottom of a barrel.

Youporn, is very low qaulity and perhaps the only thing you can do is get it through to him that the one thing he should not do is sully his sense of taste. I'm not advising that you sit down with him and look at some tasteful porn though, that would be a bad idea.

I'm digging this hole deeper and deeper.

I wish you the best of luck in advising your son.
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:17
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

I still don't know what is normal. Is there such a thing ? But then I had a convent upbringing.

I would say advise, don't dictate will better get the message across. I am sure there are plenty of specific advice sites for just this issue across the web.

dave


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sorry for the misunderstanding
I don't want him to go out and have sex until he has a steady girlfriend and he is mature enough. This could be a few years away, I am saying that the day that comes he will have seen so much smutt that he will not know what is normal!
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:17
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

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sorry for the misunderstanding
I don't want him to go out and have sex until he has a steady girlfriend and he is mature enough. This could be a few years away, I am saying that the day that comes he will have seen so much smutt that he will not know what is normal!
Aah, i see, my bad, I misunderstood. To be honest, it is natural for him to be doing this sort of thing, and whilst probably frowned upon, I would think it normal behaviour for 99.9% of boys his age, so i wouldn't get too concerned.

Sit him down, have a bit of a chat, but ultimately, you can't do a lot about it, and in many ways, the internet is a good medium, as you can control it and know exactly where he is whilst getting his jollies.
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:17
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

I'm with Chem on this. Whether you regard porn as freedom of speach or an affront to all things decent, is it a real and readily available part of the modern world. Trying to prevent your boy from seeing it will just make him more curious and find more subversive ways to access it.

Let him know your disapproval and disappointment. But also educate him that porn is an unrealistic representation of sex. There are also a lot of emotional and mutual respect issues that he has to understand when dealing with sexual relationships.
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:22
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

I know what your son is doing is pretty normal (yes for girls too) and if he is not surfing porn on his confiscated computer he will go to a friends house and do it there. In a way I would say that you can not and should not stop him from growing up and being curious about what sex is and how it happens . . . etc.

My advice to you is to, first, mend your relationship with your son. By taking his computer away and repremanding him you have started communicating to him that if you catch him there will be negative consequences. This then leads to him hiding/sneaking around, lieing to you and then eventually not listening to you when you have something important to say about safe sex etc.

Then, as others have also advised, when the time is right you should discuss with him what safe sex is and reinforce that porn is something more to be looked at then to get "tipps" from.

I hope that helps, good luck.
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:26
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

Thanks Woodsie,
I agree that stopping him looking at it will make it more interesting. We live in a very protected country, (Switzerland) everything is very controlled. I feel that one of the ways our children will try to rebel is with sex and teenage drinking. A big problem with his peers.
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:27
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

by the way, they usually get bored with it after a short while....

Trust is the big issue. Also of course you must be comfortable when talking about the "issue" with him. Also suggest that his PC could become unusable as the nefarious underworld of the internet uses porn to get their malware onto PCs. If he's using a PC you use for internet banking or store personal information on, these could all become compromised and the content lost or stolen.

Buy him a few magazines and suggest that he get his rocks off with those and to avoid online experiences?
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:34
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

I confiscated the computer because it was 1 in the morning and he was supposed to have shut it down. We had a conversation the next day about the porn. I agree at his friends house there is no control. We have a very open relationship and I find it sad that his experiences will be short circuited because of what he thinks is expected of him.
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:35
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

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Two options - firstly, educate him and allow him to surf smut. They all do it.

Secondly, take steps to stop him. You have a home router? Try www.opendns.org as your name servers - there are FAQs on the site.

I'll allow this as it's more a Daily Life/Family Matter than a computer help thing...
I think that second option is not an option... Any programs/filters and tools intended to screen minors from 'bad stuff' are pretty dumb and young person can easily find a workaround (either himself or with help of his tech-saavy friends). In addition to that - any actions like blocking the PC, restricting access, confiscating, etc really undermine parent-child relationship. Apart from that - forbidden fruit is even more tempting.
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:35
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

Where did it all go wrong ?

dave


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I feel that one of the ways our children will try to rebel is with sex and teenage drinking.
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:35
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

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Buy him a few magazines and suggest that he get his rocks off with those and to avoid online experiences?
times have certainly changed. i think i would have died on the spot, of embarrassment, if my parents had ever even come close to doing that.
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:37
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

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times have certainly changed. i think i would have died on the spot, of embarrassment, if my parents had ever even come close to doing that.
well, said spotty teenager has been caught there-or-thereabouts at 1am. He wasn't researching his thesis now was he?

All I'm suggesting is that control is given back to the parents. Kind of like the quality mags I had to give back to my dad after "finding" them
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Old 25.03.2008, 12:38
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Re: Advice to my 14 year old, why not to look at porn!!

My husband bought him a magazine, he showed it to his friends they thought it was great. His friends father bought his son a mag too. We have mac's and the one that the children use is just for them. Because of what you mentioned.
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