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Old 09.02.2015, 21:00
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Separation with a baby

Hello there,

I would like to have some advice about my rights here in Switzerland as a mom of a 9 month old baby. I want to separate from my partner (we are not married), the father of my kid, but he doesn't even want to talk about it.

Living together is awful: so tense, and there are so many arguments for everything (even silly things) that I want to leave to avoid my son growing up in this kind of environment. The father and I do not get along at all...

I went to a lawyer, a woman, to ask for legal advice and she told me that with the new law approved in June 2014, I basically cannot leave the country and the father can do whatever he wants (like 50% custody, which would be devastating for such a young baby that co sleeps with mama and still breastfeeds a lot throughout the day). Is that true? No protection for the mama and the child?

Is there any kind of organism I could address for more accurate and detailed information?

Thank you very much for your help.

M

Last edited by 3Wishes; 09.02.2015 at 22:26. Reason: restored original post
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:04
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Re: Separation with a baby

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Is that true? No protection for the mama and the child?
What about protection for the father and his relationship with the child?

She didn't say you had no protection, she said it would probably be 50/50 custody, that seems fair.
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:06
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Re: Separation with a baby

50/50 fair??? for who? Not for the baby... read about child psychology, please.
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:11
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Re: Separation with a baby

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50/50 fair??? for who? Not for the baby... read about child psychology, please.
50/50 is exactly fair, which is a very swiss - and correct - way of dealing with things.
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:14
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Re: Separation with a baby

Sorry, I am female and agree that a father has rights as well to see his child so 50/50 does not sound like a bad thing (and your baby will not be breast feeding forever?).
As to your issue: find a lawyer for Familienrecht. Check whether you are ok with your permit to stay (assuming you are not Swiss).
If you check this forum you will find a lot of information as similar questions have been asked before.
Good luck
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:18
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Re: Separation with a baby

The father is as much a father that you are a mother.

If there is no history of violence, if the other parent isn't at risk and is fit, there should be the same right to care for the child no matter the sex of the parent.
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:21
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Re: Separation with a baby

I have not been able to check, but I imagine the 50/50 access rights do not apply to a baby being breastfed. But, as a female grand-mother- I am glad the Swiss system does allow dad's equal rights- both for the child's sake, and the dad's.
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:22
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Re: Separation with a baby

50/50 sounds great on paper but sometimes I'm rather perplexed on how it's done.

Do you have a steady job? Make sure you're financially stable before doing anything rash.

Despite all the obstacles laid before you, it is still worth getting out now. You have a long life ahead of you and many good times to come.

If your child is loved equally by the both of you and if you are both amicable about the separation and subsequent divorce, it will grow up with love and happiness.

Good luck.
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:24
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Re: Separation with a baby

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50/50 fair??? for who? Not for the baby... read about child psychology, please.
I was always closer to my father as a child. If my mother had of taken me away from him I would have been devastated. The father relationship is just as important as the mother relationship …. more so in my case (I'm female). #DaddysGirl
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:26
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Re: Separation with a baby

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50/50 sounds great on paper but sometimes I'm rather perplexed on how it's done.
You've never read about King Solomon?
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:32
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Re: Separation with a baby

Really, for the sake of your child- unless there is violence involved- I'd really try very very hard with counselling and mediation before breaking up the family. Seek help and don't run away.

Having a baby, lack of sleep, etc, can cause havoc in a relationship. How long have you been together?
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:32
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Re: Separation with a baby

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Sorry, I am female and agree that a father has rights as well to see his child so 50/50 does not sound like a bad thing (and your baby will not be breast feeding forever?).
As to your issue: find a lawyer for Familienrecht. Check whether you are ok with your permit to stay (assuming you are not Swiss).
If you check this forum you will find a lot of information as similar questions have been asked before.
Good luck
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I was always closer to my father as a child. If my mother had of taken me away from him I would have been devastated. The father relationship is just as important as the mother relationship …. more so in my case (I'm female). #DaddysGirl
And somehow, I thought you both were men.

I'll go to bed less stupid tonight.
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:33
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Re: Separation with a baby

Maybe I didn't express myself properly... But, honestly, everyone knows that under 3 years old a baby should live with the mother, for his emotional development. This doesn't mean, of course, that he is not seeing the father. It is very important as well his presence, and their relationship, but these 3 first years are essential for the emotional healthy development of the child. 50% would be too chaotic.. two houses, two different schedule... no way!!!

The father can see the child a lot, of course, but 50% under 3 years old should be forbidden. Attachment theory, Bowlby. The closer the baby is to the mother during his first 3 years, the better for his emotional and psychological resilience.

Swiss law makers don't have a clue about child psychology... and it seems that many of the commenters either. No offense.

I didn't want to debate my situation, just to have some legal advice or numbers I could call for that purpose.

Last edited by 3Wishes; 09.02.2015 at 22:26. Reason: restored original post
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:39
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Re: Separation with a baby

So if you have to separate, stay as close as possible. The involvement of the father is essential too. Now, as said, I am pretty sure you are protected whilst breastfeeding- but not sure how the law will see it if you decide to breasfeed and co-sleep for 3 years!

I am very interested in child psychology- as a mother, teacher and now grand-mother- which is why I say, try to work things out, go for counselling and mediation- and if you have to, stay close (where is your home country?) and whatever you do, never, ever let your child be pig in the middle and pulled apart by YOUR problems. Read this up in child psychology books- and bonne chance.
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:40
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Re: Separation with a baby

If you want legal advice, go to a lawyer. Or check google/phone book.
If you post on a forum like this, expect comments.

I do not wholly agree with you. I agree that a child needs stability and that not only during the first 3 years. But whether that is with the mother, the father, the mothers or fathers (!) in a same sex relationship, it all comes down to loving and caring. Assuming that only a mother can give that (and as said, I am female), I think is a bit preposterous.
You probably will disagree with me, fine.
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:41
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Re: Separation with a baby

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Hello there,

I would like to have some advice about my rights here in Switzerland as a mom of a 9 month old baby. I want to separate from my partner (we are not married), the father of my kid, but he doesn't even want to talk about it.

Living together is awful: so tense, and there are so many arguments for everything (even silly things) that I want to leave to avoid my son growing up in this kind of environment. The father and I do not get along at all...

I went to a lawyer, a woman, to ask for legal advice and she told me that with the new law approved in June 2014, I basically cannot leave the country and the father can do whatever he wants (like 50% custody, which would be devastating for such a young baby that co sleeps with mama and still breastfeeds a lot throughout the day). Is that true? No protection for the mama and the child?

Is there any kind of organism I could address for more accurate and detailed information?

Thank you very much for your help.

M

This is so sad. For both parents, and child. Both of you love the child.
Because you are not happy with the situation with your partner, you are prepared to try it alone, and deprive the father of his child?


Once one decides to have a baby, one`s life is not one`s own anymore.


A fact many seem to forget - sadly for the entire family - with far reaching results.


Can you not bring yourself to try and be a "better" person? For the sake of the child, and for her/his father? I know it`s the modern thing to do - to just separate, but you now have a huge responsibility. And the father is never going to forget that he has a child.


In the future, you ARE going to regret rash decisions. At the moment you are able to breast feed the baby, and he (obviously?) provides the financial support?


My personal observations of (young) broken homes is that the mother deems herself more important than the man`s, and does not want to "bow down" to his idiosyncrasies. Try stroking his ego, and try to keep him happy ....... your personal satisfaction comes from seeing the transforming results .... that results in keeping your family intact.


The world out there is a brutal place. A little child deserves their mother and father for learning and protection.


And your partner CAN improve - as can a relationship - IF YOU give it a chance.


You cannot change him. But he can respond to your kind, understanding adaptability - in proving your love - for your child .... and ultimately for him.


Sorry if my reply offends. I`ve seen many sad break-ups, and they never seem to result in more happiness.
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:41
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Re: Separation with a baby

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Swiss law makers don't have a clue about child psychology... and it seems that many of the commenters either. No offense.
Mundoplath: Don't blow the posters off here. They have been the voice of reason, reality and compassion (at least thus far) and may be of even greater help to you in the future.

It's important you inform yourself with the authorities or with a lawyer, talk to the father and then make realistic decisions.

Good luck.
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:42
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Re: Separation with a baby

The World Health Organization: "Exclusive breastfeeding is recommended up to 6 months of age, with continued breastfeeding along with appropriate complementary foods up to two years of age or beyond."
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:44
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Re: Separation with a baby

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Maybe I didn't express myself properly... But, honestly, everyone knows that under 3 years old a baby should live with the mother, for his emotional development. This doesn't mean, of course, that he is not seeing the father. It is very important as well his presence, and their relationship, but these 3 first years are essential for the emotional healthy development of the child. 50% would be too chaotic.. two houses, two different schedule... no way!!!

The father can see the child a lot, of course, but 50% under 3 years old should be forbidden. Attachment theory, Bowlby. The closer the baby is to the mother during his first 3 years, the better for his emotional and psychological resilience.

Swiss law makers don't have a clue about child psychology... and it seems that many of the commenters either. No offense.

I didn't want to debate my situation, just to have some legal advice or numbers I could call for that purpose.
I'll say it like our British friends of this forum say: this is utterly bullock.

A father can and is as important to the development of a child from day 1. There are plenty of kids who had both or one of them and they didn't come out better or worst than the others.

Me, as an example, I was separate from my dad at a very young age and didn't see him for years, thanks to the lack of proper education back then on the topic. Turns out, I am now closer to my dad than my mom.

A bit of good will from both side can do wonder on a child's development. 50/50 is much easier to settle in a deeper relationship between a child and the parent than seeing her or him once every few days.
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Old 09.02.2015, 21:44
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Re: Separation with a baby

First, marriages are hard work, and having a baby is a lot of work, and can drastically change the dynamics in a marriage. Do you suffer from PPD? If so, deal with that first before making any important decisions. Maybe both you and your partner should reevaluate in earnest your relationship and see where that goes - couple's therapy or another neutral party might help.

Second, check out your area for a women's shelter if things get out of hand. Even if you are not Swiss, if the child is, you are both going to get the help you need. I am not sure what happens if neither of you is Swiss, but I find it hard to imagine that you would be turned away. You will be on an extremely tight financial budget for a while, but it can be done. You will need nerves of steel during this whole time, but staying in an abusive relationship requires a lot more than that. Like someone said, you have your whole life in front of you, and a child to care for.
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