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Old 29.09.2015, 17:33
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Cleaning out the toxic people

Now this should provide some fodder for those who have opinions to express & I should maybe keep it for Friday, but it's on my mind now.

So you have identified those who are toxic around you and have managed to clean them out of your life. What happens when you then realise there's almost no one left? Is it a case of expecting too much from others? Or is it at a certain age various family members have died & it's part of the grief process to feel lonely? Is all this part of the famous midlife crisis?
Do you have toxic people in your life? Have you managed to do the cleaning? What are you left with?
Or have you never managed to get rid of the toxic people & wish you could?

(Please would the men in white coats form an orderly line).
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Old 29.09.2015, 17:36
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

I think it's important to realise that we're all toxic people in one way or another. I find the bad behaviour of others to be an incentive to consider my own actions. I don't always change, of course, but it helps to be aware that we're all tossers when push comes to shove.
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Old 29.09.2015, 17:48
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

Hmmm...There are certain issues people have and don't succeed to get rid off on their own for whatever reasons, which makes them incompatible, or makes them put strain on whatever bond there is. Alcoholism. Dependencies, envy, no self esteem. Yeah, I think it is vital to filter who you keep around and invest your time and energy in. Those resources aren't limitless. Life is short. Get rid of them. Loneliness is a state of mind, create opportunities to mingle, if you don't like being alone. One of them is creating space and time, getting rid of vampires. Who said it..."Nobody should become a hostage of another person's neurosis". There is no situation of "nobody else left". You don't know you will meet tomorrow.
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Old 29.09.2015, 17:51
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

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Do you have toxic people in your life? Have you managed to do the cleaning?
Only on EF - and that's what the "ignore" button is for.

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Old 29.09.2015, 19:10
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

(Putting my white blouse on for the second time of the day)

The way I see it, very few people are really toxic, just as very few people are inherently evil. But some people have a toxic effect on you, me or others, for all sorts of reason. In my case, I sort those toxic people in 2 groups:

1) those I can filter out: mostly friends that have outlasted their friendship or people who got into my life for a completely random reason. I try to gently get them out, usually it's enough to be always busy when they want to meet or to be very slow at answering mails/sms, in the end they either get the message or just get tired of waiting.

2) those I can't filter out: family members, spouses of friends, colleagues, you know, all sorts of people who bring out the worst in you but that you have to keep seeing. With some you can limit the amount of contact, while with others you just have to find a way to collaborate in a way that is as harmonious as possible.

But all in all, I try to keep an indulgent perspective on people. Many people hurt others without meaning it, and most people just try to move on with their life as best they can. Once one tries to see life through other's glasses, it's easier to understand them and to cope with their sometimes less than charming sides.

So, to answer your question, I have cleaned very few people out of my life, but with a few I have implemented new "rules of engagement" in order to make the relationship constructive for both parties. My focus when looking at my relationships is not on what people bring me (or what I bring them for that matter), but rather on whether these people are interesting and fun to be with. I take people as they are, the rest usually follows quite nicely.
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Old 29.09.2015, 19:54
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

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So you have identified those who are toxic around you and have managed to clean them out of your life. What happens when you then realise there's almost no one left?
You have a certain amount of freedom to define what you consider toxic and what not toxic. If you are too choosy and have a low tolerance for others, then of course, you may find that all are 'toxic' and indeed there is no one left.
During my period on this planet, I have come to realise that you need all the friends you can get, and only in extreme cases is the definition 'toxic' or otherwise an action of total rejection justified.
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Old 29.09.2015, 20:21
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

Everybody is an asshole, even the nicest of guys.

Now if you refer to toxic as a person who can cause permanent damage, or damage that is hard to repair, then I would say it is good to be assertive and let that person know the harm he is causing.

But how can we identify a toxic person? Only a close person could cause such harm, that said, I would never want to get rid of my siblings or my parents.
The only disposable toxic relationship I can think of are romantic interests, and they are the hardest to manage.
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Old 29.09.2015, 21:31
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

Then consider yourself lucky with your siblings or parents.
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Old 29.09.2015, 21:41
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

I didn't say they aren't toxic, I just said I wouldn't be able to live without them, they are toxic at times, but most of the time they aren't.
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Old 29.09.2015, 21:42
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

I can think of one toxic person in my life (an aunt) and I have completely and totally cut her off. I have no interest or desire to deal with her at any level. I am also refusing to invite her to my wedding. I would only oblige if I could see that not inviting her caused serious grief to my father (whom I adore) - which it doesn't, nobody can stand her and she is truly evil/disturbed.

There is one person I really dislike, a very good friend of my fiance, but I know it makes him happy to get together with her and her man, and so I am willing to tag along once or twice a year. When I do that, I am not grumpy about it - my philosophy is if I do something, I am doing it cheerfully, otherwise I just avoid. My OH knows how I feel and these get togethers are truly 1-2 times per year max. He talks to them over the phone regularly and I am happy he does. In short, we compromise because we find each other's happiness more important than everything else.

Other than that, I just avoid people I don't like. In my book, the only true "unavoidable" people are family, and luckily, none of my family members (bar that aunt above) are bad people. Some I interact with more than others, but that's normal.
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Old 29.09.2015, 22:35
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

If you get rid of all the toxic people in your life and find there's no-one left, then perhaps you need to ask why you only form relationships that are bad for you?
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Old 29.09.2015, 22:41
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

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I can think of one toxic person in my life (an aunt) and I have completely and totally cut her off. I have no interest or desire to deal with her at any level. I am also refusing to invite her to my wedding. I would only oblige if I could see that not inviting her caused serious grief to my father (whom I adore) - which it doesn't, nobody can stand her and she is truly evil/disturbed.

There is one person I really dislike, a very good friend of my fiance, but I know it makes him happy to get together with her and her man, and so I am willing to tag along once or twice a year. When I do that, I am not grumpy about it - my philosophy is if I do something, I am doing it cheerfully, otherwise I just avoid. My OH knows how I feel and these get togethers are truly 1-2 times per year max. He talks to them over the phone regularly and I am happy he does. In short, we compromise because we find each other's happiness more important than everything else.

Other than that, I just avoid people I don't like. In my book, the only true "unavoidable" people are family, and luckily, none of my family members (bar that aunt above) are bad people. Some I interact with more than others, but that's normal.
Disliking a person doesn't mean said persons is toxic, a toxic individual is often a person who causes you financial or psychiatric stress.

Eg: A wife that doesn't contribute financially;A drug addicted friend; A delinquent teenage son/daughter; An alcoholic spouse; An ex-wife that want to live off you; An abusive partner(not just physically) etc.

Last edited by etefan02; 29.09.2015 at 22:54.
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Old 29.09.2015, 23:31
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

I find this psychologist’s thoughts interesting. Rod E. Smith.

https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2007...-relationship/

https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2009...s-human-chess/

https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2009...-relationship/
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Old 29.09.2015, 23:39
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

Well in the third link, I disagree with his first point, as a product of divorce, I strongly believe both parents should do the utmost effort to stay together even at the cost of being in a toxic relationship until the children are of age.

Other than that I agree completely with him, he describe toxic relationships in an amusing way.
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Old 30.09.2015, 00:46
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

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Do you have toxic people in your life? Have you managed to do the cleaning? .
I can remember of only two people whom I would qualify as being "toxic" for me. I don't think I did the cleaning, it was just life that moved us away from each other. It's funny, in all this toxicity we also had some pretty good moments. Perhaps I was very naive at the time, who knows. But they've just..."evaporated" and I don't hold grudges. I didn't call, then they didn't call...something like that. Easy.
In fact, sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't really take care of relations with a few wonderful people that would have deserved more attention from my part. I might have also hurt some people...
Do you think it happened to you too, sometimes?

Last edited by greenmount; 30.09.2015 at 00:57.
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Old 30.09.2015, 01:59
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

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Disliking a person doesn't mean said persons is toxic, a toxic individual is often a person who causes you financial or psychiatric stress.

Eg: A wife that doesn't contribute financially;A drug addicted friend; A delinquent teenage son/daughter; An alcoholic spouse; An ex-wife that want to live off you; An abusive partner(not just physically) etc.
Oh, the person I dislike is toxic alright! She has serious issues that I want no part in. My fiance feels differently because he has been friend with her and her partner for a long time. Which I am fine with. I just want nothing - or as little as possible - to do with her/them. And on top of that, I dislike her!
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Old 30.09.2015, 02:07
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

I am about to listen to some toxicity DISORDER....DISORDER..DISOOOORDEEEERRRRR!!!!!!
WHEN YOU BECAME THE SUN YOU SHINED LIGHT INTO THE MEN'S HEART!!!!!
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Old 30.09.2015, 02:38
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

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Oh, the person I dislike is toxic alright! She has serious issues that I want no part in. My fiance feels differently because he has been friend with her and her partner for a long time. Which I am fine with. I just want nothing - or as little as possible - to do with her/them. And on top of that, I dislike her!
I'm glad that I'm not so passionate when it comes to my OH's old friends. I can't say I really like all of them but luckily I didn't get to develop a strong antipathy for someone because the last thing I'd ask from him is to limit his time with any of his friends, it's not that much time anyway..Besides he also has to put up with mine and I never asked whether he likes them or not. It's just not an issue for us.
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Old 30.09.2015, 03:08
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

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Oh, the person I dislike is toxic alright! She has serious issues that I want no part in. My fiance feels differently because he has been friend with her and her partner for a long time. Which I am fine with. I just want nothing - or as little as possible - to do with her/them. And on top of that, I dislike her!
Is she a bad influence to your partner? Did they use to be a couple? Either way I belie e the word you are looking for is not toxic, maybe annoying? Or fake,plastic maybe?
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Old 30.09.2015, 07:45
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Re: Cleaning out the toxic people

I don't catagorize people like the OP and others who have commented here about 'toxic people'.

My life and me are not a warehouse with which I find I have to make an inventory every so often of my 'friends' because of the narcissist view that I'm the one who can choose anything as absurd as my circle of friends. I am a loner, I'm very happy with my own company, I don't need friends and see it as ridiculous to expect so much of people. I have many with whom I can call on if I am in trouble or need to see for whatever reason, and the same for them as I am always open and positive if I am needed to help them too but I have none who owe me their precious time if they don't want.

Usually I only call (and therefore see) any acquaintance if I need something from them and vice versa, then we may have a chance to have dinner or drinks based on payback.

Family members are permanent persons with which I am obligated to, work colleagues the same (to an extent), the rest as I have mentioned but for sure, anyone who even begins to think of anyone as toxic well, maybe you really need to re-direct where you life is going....
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