Hi,

I could do with some advice! I was living in Lausanne up until July of this year, when I had to return to the UK in order to be close to my brother who has been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. I have a temporary job here and planned to return to Lausanne next summer. My employer in Lausanne agreed to give me a year off.

I have just found out that I am 12 weeks pregnant - the father lives in Switzerland but we are not together. I wish to continue with the pregnancy, (all being well) he does not and says he will not "recognise" the child and therefore will not help me.

Obviously I have a huge decision to make with regards to coming back to Switzerland or not. Being a single mother I would have to work full time. I earn about 5,500chf per month before tax (permis c). I have to think about childcare, health insurance etc - ie can I afford to return to Switzerland? Or will I be financially better off in the UK? I believe that if I return to Switzerland I can make the father have a DNA test and then he has to contribute, but I am not sure that he would have to if i remain in the UK.

I currently earn just over £2000 a month in the UK before tax but obviously this is a temporary contract and I will have to look for a permanent job once the baby is born. Obviously I will have to pay for child care over here too. I am not entitle to any maternity pay over here from my employer. All in all, it's not the greatest time to have a baby but maybe there is a reason for it - who knows?!

Anyone got any advice? My head is just all over the place at the moment!

there is some financial assistance for children here in Switzerland - we get maybe 150chf off our tax per month, and my husband's on a quite high salary. But child care and the cost of schooling if you don't want them to go to the local swiss school can be very expensive...and hard to get...

Also, I'd compare health and child-care options. Will you have good family support in the UK, because free child care and also family who can take a sick child if you need to work are really important. What would happen if your work fell through or you or bubs got sick and it became impossible to work - (your worst-case scenario) ? Where would you find the best support ?

I've found the best work that can fit around my kids is part-time, contract and stuff I can do from home or an office close to home. Are you more likely to find a supportive employer in the UK or in Switzerland ?

As for the father of the child, I doubt he can run away that easily, but it will take a lot of emotional effort to chase him down and follow through to get support...I'd say, do it for the sake of your unborn child, as in the long-term it will make an enormous difference (financially for the child as the child's father's capacity to earn etc will most likely leave him significantly more wealthy than you in the future). On the other hand, if he is not prepared to have any role with the child, and you don't want him to be continously involved, and you can't see it happening, then you may need to take the freedom and not pursue him.

As for being pressured into giving up the child - well, I have three kids and I wouldn't swap them for anything, but at times I do wish I had 'given them back'

So my main criteria would be support - where will you be best supported ? Money is not the key factor, money cannot buy emotional support/happiness, and free childcare comes from family and close friends who love you and the child... Flexibility is the key - which job will give you more flexibility and options because once the baby comes, you will need plenty of options!

Hi fudge
You must not make any decisions whilst you are still under great emotional pressure. With a new baby, changing Countries and your brother's illness, you have a lot to contend with.
As Sweetpea has said, it is not easy to work and sort childcare out in Switzerland. I do not know what financial help is available. From what you say I estimate your baby will be born in April. I think that I would remain in the UK and see what happens and how your life is progressing tll I had to return.
Is is possible to extend your C permis? I know that if you have good reason ( and your brother needing your support) the authorities might allow you to extend your time away. I am sure someone will post the current rules. It will give you more time.
I hope things work out for you - as you say - some things are meant to be.

Congratulations on your pregnancy even though your circumstances are very difficult. Hopefully you will get a response from someone who has experience as a single working Mother or Dad in Switzerland.

I can only tell you what I have experienced here - as wonderful as Switzerland is and as much as I love it, I would imagine it would be very difficult as a single Mother with a baby and in the long term with a child.. child care is really expensive here and when your child gets to school going age they are home every lunch time from 12 to 1:30 and can have a couple of afternoons off a week. If teacher is sick they are sent back home from school in the mornings or afternoons so you will need to have live in child care.. so what you earn here is very important. In the UK, difficult as it will be there too, you do have a school system that is more sympathetic to the working parent and single parent. You also have a very strong pastoral programmes in the UK and many schools have an emphasis on the support and care of the child as well as the the educational which can be a godsend to a single parent. That is not to say that Switzerland doesn't have schools that care but I have found the school systems here inconsistent and often the quality depends on what teacher you get. I find here the country depends largely on Mothers staying at home to look after the kids but the UK does not.

It's a tough decision especially if you can only get child support from the Dad here and not from the UK. Hopefully you will get lots of posts in reply to this that will help you get a better overview of life here.What about the language, do you need to learn it? Do you know any one else here? What about support for you? You will need your family or a close network of friends as you will need help, emotional and physical, in the coming years. Coming here and doing battle with a man who doesn't want to know you or your child is only going to increase your isolation..

Good luck and take good care of yourself..

Thanks for the messages so far.

Language is not an issue, I speak French fluently and am continuing with classes whilst I am here so that I don't forget everything!

The schooling may not be an issue as I work in education and hopefully could negotiate reduced fees - this has been done at my school already. I know I need to talk to my employer in Switzerland anyway. My job is only open for a year and I am not sure I could negotiate them leaving it open for another year - I guess I need to ask!

I do have lots of friends in Switzerland - some who are permanent, some expats who may be moving on in a couple of years. My friends network here in the UK is limited at the moment as I have been away for 6 years and the friends I have here are all over the country. My parents are here but they are "getting on a bit" and I wouldn't want to rely on them.

I have extended my C permit for a year and they may let me do it for another year but I know it's 2 years maximum.

I know I can't make a decision at the moment as my head as in pieces but the practical side of me wants to sit down with lists of pros and cons and figures to help me take the right path!

Switzerland has strict laws regarding parental obligations. Even if your ex doesn't want anything to do with the child he will have to support it financially, regardless if you live here or not.

If you have the energy why not look for the concrete facts through the Commune you'd be moving to, if and when you decide to come back to Switzerland. It may help your final decision if you know all your rights.

Wishing you all the best and a healthy pregnancy.

I'm presuming you work in international education(?) How long have you worked for the school before taking the year off? How sympathetic are the school going to be when you return pregnant?.. Do you have any idea? Are you under a permanent or yearly contract? Here in Zürich the international schools work on a yearly contract so if they want to get rid of you even after years working for them they can and have done so to many a teacher whose face didn't fit. So I guess that you really need to talk to the school and find out how secure you are here.. Also if the school fees are high to begin with and you get them at a reduced rate is that still a lot to take out of a 5,500 chf monthly salary? Medical Insurance costs too plus everything else.. in the UK as bad as the NHS can be it is free. No wonder you're confused there's a lot to think about.

Swisstree - Yes I work in International education and was on a permanent contract before taking this year off. As it stands I have a very good reputation at the school and they want me to come back but obviously they don't know about my current circumstances! I've worked there for 4 years.

Oldhand - thanks for this info. I just assumed that if I have to stay in the UK then there would be no way of making the father contribute anything. I will get in touch with the commune and see what happens.

Hi there...

I hope i can shed a bit of light on your current situation as i also am a single british mom living in switzerland.
I have a 8month old son now and i wouldnt swap my situation for anything. When i found out i was pregnant i wasnt with the father of the child. And he like you also said he did not and would not recognise the child as his. Being a foreigner i did not know how the system worked,but i decided to carry on with the pregnancy any how. Once my son was born i was contacted by the 'vortsmundschaft' (sp) this is the equivilant to social services in England. These people are here to help you in these situations. They will then invite the father to a meeting where he can choose to accept the child by his own will or otherwise a court will demand he take a dna test. When he is proven he is the father he will then have the cost of the dna test to pay. All of this is a free services for you. After that a 'contract' is drawn up to say what financial contribution he must make per month and what contact he will have with his child. The law in switzerland for unmarried parents very much sides with the mother,so you will have the decision on how and when he sees the child (supervised or unsupervised visits).
However i am not sure how the situation would differ if you have the baby and live in England. I am sure he would have to support financially but im not sure how much help you would get from the swiss law/government.

As for working/childcare i am lucky in the sense i am actually a nanny so i have a very understanding boss who allows me to have my son with me during the day while i work. But i had heard that childcare such as krippes charge fees according to your salary. Again something you would have to look into further.

Hope that helps a little bit. I must go now as i have a screaming baby hanging off my arm!!

All the best
Jenny (Jake's mom!!)

Firstly congrats on your preg...

I am a single mum in Switzerland and my son is now nearly 5 years old...

I work in sales and have a normal salary, my son goes to the nursery once a week and to a child minder the rest of the time (when i am at work that is) and i survive on a lot less salary than you...

Child care normally goes by what you earn so if you earn the min. then you pay the min.. and so on.

Schools, sorry but it's to early for you to deciede in if your child will go to international school or the public school cross that bridge in a year or two...

I would say tell your boss you are pregnant, you get maternity leave and if they really want you back then there is always a solution to the problem...

the father, well he will have to pay anyway so you don't need to worry about that...

good luck and if you need more info send me a pm...

take care

Jake's mum and louann-dun,

Thank you so much for your replies - you have proved it is possible! I'm going for a scan next week to determine that everything is ok and then I will take it from there re discussing it with my boss. I am feeling a lot more positive today!

Congratulations Fudge. I'm not sure if I can add anything more to all the great advise you've been given so I'll just tell you that a child is always a blessing and sometimes they can come at the worst time possible but things usually work out for the best.

Being on your own, I would probably go with the country that would give you the best support system. Raising a child on your own is not easy.