Cheating, IMO is a reason for divorce, and in some countries is punishable by death.

...if your a woman.

Not sure.

I read a news report recently, that in Saudi Arabia, the presenter of some TV show got a punishment in 60 hits by lash just because some guy in her show talked about his 'out of family' sex activities.

The man actually got punishment in 1000 hits by lash and a 5 years of prison. I guess somewhere in more extremistic islamic countries the men also get killed.

I imagine that is WHY there are marriage specialists or therapists out there, for them to figure out the why and how come and what is the cause in each individual case.

About they are horny and have the opportunity, you bet. here in small town Neuchâtel there are at 15 places/apartments in town alone where whoever feels the need can go for a quick fix and they bloody well go for it. now how tempting is that.

do keep up, she was pardoned days ago

i am very sorry to hear all that... I would just like to tell you that if you have the strength to commute for 4 hours every day in order to work I am sure you have the strength to move on and make a better start for you and your baby.... once a husband a cheater I am not sure you can trust much of him anymore... But you are strong enough to stand up, you just cannot see it yet. Just take one little problem at a time and find solutions... simplify your life and try to look only in front of you...

There have ben cases in Saudi, where women have ben punished because they were raped!... Give me a break... in Countries where Sh'aria influences the constitution... it is BAD news for woman!...

In any case, Oxxy... NOTHING you can do can drive your husband towards cheating except his own stupidity. I am sure you thought he was the sweetest thing on this planet when he married you ... but do you recall the Vows you took and he did?... he may be all "I am trying to make it easy for everyone"... stuff shouldn't fly. Pls be a little more resolute and compensate your grief by converting it into anger... it works.. by making him pay for what he did... I am sure that the laws here on cheating are far from that of Saudi. Use his admission to cheating and his willingness to separate (or "think things over" ) to get your claim on child support & alimony... make him pay for your legal fees as well...

EFers any help on that?

nope, even as a man you would not that easily get out.
cheaters (extramarital sex) who were both or one spouse married, get stoned to death for the ruining of a family/families in the interpretations of the divine law applied in some countries regardless of their gender. There is nothing said explicitly in Qur'an about it, though. Only 100 lashes are mentioned. Today Iran, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, and maybe Pakistan have the laws on exramarital (and premarital) sex. In the Middle East it was a common tradition in the history, and other religions had similar punishments too.

On the thread:
It is hard, but do not give up. Moving to other flat shall be helpful. And hold on to your job that shall help you get through this tough time.

Thinking about the reason for an affair as being "horniness" is an interesting way that many men pull the wool over their own eyes. It makes it sound as if they had no control, they didn't make choices, and they don't have a sexual partner already. One might want to ask their wife about his level of "horniness".
You are right in one way, that the cheater will start to talk about "deeper problems" once they are caught, somehow as if they didn't notice them until they were caught. What this reveals is that the secrecy and deception in the affair does, in fact, cause a problem: the violation of trust and marital boundaries. One then has to ask why the deception was deemed to be necessary. All of this simply moves the couple deeper into looking at the dynamics in their relationship, which is what therapy is all about. What one must be cautious about is thinking in ways that do not open up the discussion to deeper levels of meaning. Saying that he was simply horny as a way to explain his behavior is like saying that the man robbed the gas station because he is a thief. It doesn't advance your understanding of the problem.

Of course this is true in some countries that cheating is a reason for divorce, stoning, lashing, etc. This isn't true in Switzerland and, in this case, it is the man who has cheated and the the countries where these results to cheating by a woman take place, a man may not be censured at all for so doing.

He? Can't women be horny and cheat?

I respect your opinion but I don't really buy it. I honestly do believe that way too much weight is put on the _why_ someone is cheating. I truly feel that in many cases it is nothing but us throwing away our refinement for a while and going back to being the animals that we in fact are. And in many cases it is drugs and alcohol that puts us there.

Why deception was necessary? Because that is what society is expecting of us of course!

Just bumped into this thread.

Firstly, Oxxy, I hope you are feeling better. Stupid thing to say, as I know you are going through a nightmare But hang in there!

Secondly, I really have to comment on those comments regarding to 'think about stay together for the child'. It is totally not up to us to tell her what to do, BUT:
1) It doesn't seem to be an option at the present time.
2) I don't really think it is a favor for the child to stay unhappily together.

My best friend in the world used to live with a guy, who was honesly speaking a total morron. When she got pregnant, he left her, apperantly it was too much for him to handle... As she moved on, he came back, she accepted him, he left her again, came again back and she accepeted him again (). She was young when she had the kid, so she dropped out of school.

One fine day, she finally realized what a complete morron he was, and finally it was she that left him.

With great support for her family and friends (as much as we could), she got back to school, finished her college, went strait to Uni, finished BA with very good grades, and is right now about to finish her master degree.

She always used to say to me that she admired me for being strong enough to be able to turn my back on a guy when I knew he wasn't worth it, but oh my, I cannot express how much I admire her today!

Her kid is totally fab, and they are such a great team. Right now, she feels she is ready for another kid, but since she hasn't found a decent guy yet, she is going to a doctor to discuss about the option of a sperm donor.

Bottom line; leaving that piece of sh!t was the best move she has ever done in her life!

So again: Hang in there girl!!

Kick him out is the first instinctive action any human being would have.
He admitted he met somebody and actually you can consider yourself lucky that you didnt discover that by yourself after many years.Better to loose him than to keep him :he did it once he will do it again.Forgiveness is not in my dictionary because regarding cheating forgiveness never works ,it only means weakness and there is no guarantee that the other person will not do it again.The fact that there is a baby involved makes things harder because you have to be strong for him and at the moment you need someone to talk to you to make you feel stronger about it .What i tell you is :better you found it now than with a second child or in 5 years time .I believe you are still young and energetic person and also think that you are lucky because you are working ,what would have happened if you would have depended on him 100% and no job?This should teach you something as well .He will always be the father of your child and never put your child against him but if i would be in your place i wouldnt take him back...he knew exactly what he was doing when he met that girl and he knew that he had a wife and a child so............be superior ,consider yourself lucky coz your child is the most important person in your life ,but remember that woman that will be with him is not lucky coz 1 day he might do the same to her or she will do the same to him coz they both knew he had a wife and a child ...so woman cheer up and keep writing ...the beginning is hard and you feel nobody really understand how you feel .Please look for some women support association as well , i dont know if they exist in your area .To the MEN that justify the man behaviour saying that there is a bit of animal inside every men ..i disagree a bit but not completely because the moment that man married her this animal inside him should have settled or else why did he marry her?
not fair on the poor gal ..you have all my simpathy and please write anytime but please try to find a nanny or someone for 1 hour to mind your child and go to the gym or to do some yoga that will give you some break from ur kid that needs you in better shape and for you that you need to think more about teh situation but avoid discussions with ur husband prepare all his clothes in a bag if you have teh strenght to do it ,try not to cry infront of him and not to scream :calm ,cold and distant he has to feel what he is loosing !At the end of the day mine is just an advice and i am not a professional but he needs a psycologist not you :->take care for now and God bless

Hello Oxxy,
as you can see from all the replies on your thread, there are literally hundreds of people out there willing to help you in any way they can, so please be re-assured: you are NOT alone.
Things are hard for you at the moment and they might get even harder but in the end it will all work out for the best, you'll see.
I really do feel for you and wish you all the best, keep strong for your baby and if there's absolutely anything I can do please do not think about it twice, just get in touch.
Will keep you in my thoughts
Nassy

It makes me so sad to read stories like this. But above all it makes me MAD! I am so tired of hearing exactly the same stories happening to my female friends and me! Men are so selfish, thinking nothing but with their d***. HE met 'a girl' a month ago and now HE decided that married life and crying baby at home is not that fun anymore. Give me a break! Please, I know it's hard, but you have to get yourself together for your own sake and sake of your child. Take a deep breath and look at the situation realistically and consult your lawyers! This is very important. Tears can only do so much. Don't get mad, get everything! Another very important thing to do is to let your closest friends, family memebers and people who genuinly care about you know about your situation. Don't keep it inside, not only from emotional point of view but from practical one as well.

Be bald, be aggressive and fearless and don't ever let others use you as a doormat.

I wish you lots of luck and strength and we all are here for you.

Draw half the cash out of all your accounts. Open a separate account at a different bank, in you own name. Then book yourself into a top end hotel for a couple of nights, one with a nice big tub, view etc and pay cash for everything. Pay cash for a new phone that he cannot track.

Tell him that he must give you a little time so that you can move out closer to your job, that you will try to visit you son every other weekend. Tell him he knows where the pampers, bottles etc are that you need a weekend off to look for a new place and new company. Tell him that you need to see someone, you have not left but will be doing a sleepover. That he can phone your old cell phone number but not where you are going.
Hand him the baby and leave. keep your old phone with in you at all times in case there is an emergency with the baby, do not phone him.

Get the feeling of what it is like to be baby-free and single again. Use the new phone to contact friends but have the no caller ID switched on. If you need to get an international calling card to phone home-do it. Pay cash for everything don't let anyone know where you are.

If you feel suicidal call the Swiss equivalent of the Samaritans. Do't do anything rash, you are probably exhausted from work and baby, you need to find the beautiful you again.

Return after a day or two. If he looks perfectly happy then you will have to find a good lawyer. If he is a grovelling, whiny, pleading mess, tell him to dump the girl in front of you, you must see him do it. Then put him on probation for a few months until you can decide if you can really forgive.