I've already been in a bit of the "solution" position myself, unfortunately, I was not very strong emotionally when it started and it took years for me to "find" myself again... and am in fact, still doing so.


This really is a hard topic for me because I spent the last 5'ish years before coming here acting like a mother to my mother. The plan had actually been for hubby to move to Florida and help us there while we built our lives there.

I know to some it may sound selfish but I am so sooooo glad for my own mental and emotional state that things worked out the way they had, with me coming here instead of him coming there.


Meanwhile, it is frustrating and makes me physically ill to find out all the things that are going on with my mother because my sisters (who have each spent time with her since I left) do not know when to step in and mother our mother... she's fallen and been stuck laying on the bathroom floor until she was shivering and finally able to crawl back to her bed - my sister sleeping obliviously on the other side of the house. (Just now it occurs to me that they maybe should get a baby monitor for my mother.)

Day to day seems to be fine but she's not eating properly so she's having other "new" complications due to nutrition. It really is hard to have to convince one's mother to hand over the cash for groceries because she's not capable of making wise choices when at the store.

Going through that, trying to be mother to the childish person my mother has become, is wearying and draining.


And, as hard as it is to be here instead of there, knowing that I would feel more comfortable with the idea that I have a hand in the day-to-day comfort of my mother... I also know that she really wiped me out, physically, emotionally and financially. I can't let her do that again.

Gosh this subject got me thinking...its the subject that worries me the MOST of all in my life...

I am an only child. Parents emigrated when i was 10 and went through hell to get me a future. I am SO THANKFUL for it, i have my dream job, i feel like they did great if giving me a better future was their objective...

However, they split up just recently (they are young, on their 50's) and now each one lives in a different country, alone.

i am trying as much as i can to give them "back" what they have given me...i am bringing mum over on holidays often, taking her to Spa's, making her travel and enjoy stuff with me and she is loving it. I love it too. As for dad, i havent seen him in a year and i miss him so....and i want to do things for him too but i cant afford to take them and help them enjoy life while they are separated....(they dont have savings, they cant afford to travel, etc...life wasnt easy on them and always had to live day by day...) and sadly, mum is the one that got the "damage" out of the separation...and i am favouring her a little at the moment which is not fair to dad...

Dividing the time between them seems so complicated...

Also, i am sure things will fall into place eventually but having this issues now when they are young makes me terrified of facing their future...

How will i take care of them? i dont know...it is so complicated already....

Courage to all....living away from family is always tough....

I don't know the answer to your problem, but having recently reconnected with my folks after living 17 years with only infrequent contact with them (due to distance) what I would say is if you have the fortunate position to have a good relationship value it for as long as you can, even if from a distance.

Maybe ask them how you can best help, maybe they will ask for nothing but just a phone call every week. My parents don't want my support but I can tell when something is a strain and its usually attached to technology or the faster pace of todays world getting to them.

My folks celebrate 45 years of marriage next year and these last 2 years I learnt so much from them in terms of what it means to be a unit, tolerance, unconditional love and forgiveness. They do it daily or they would probably end up killing each other.

I found that just spending more time with them helped me work out how to best support them plus they were then able to tell me (ie "we don't want your support we're not old foggies yet - my mum is 70 going on 22) and second guessing probably just adds to the stress of these big decisions.

Good luck.

I looked at this thread as it was mentioned earlier on today on another post. It really made me think - as when the last post was written here, my parents were still alive- and I was in my 10th+ year of trying to support them- me in the UK and them in CH. So much has happened since -we've actually found a house here in CH to retire to, when we were not even looking or intending to come to CH - then mum died 3 weeks before we moved, and dad 2 months later. I realise now that I've now overcome the worst of it - and ready to face the future. I also realise that although it was so hard at the time, I've been able to get over the grief partly because I truly feel I 'did my best' whatever that means. NO regrets about things I should have done and didn't.

Just wondering about all the posters on this thread - what has happened since 2009 - how did you cope, how are you coping still? Hope you are all OK- and would love to hear.

After my dad's unexpected passing in January, I'm already planning on leaving. I'm looking at trying to get back to the west coast of the US but failing that I may end up somewhere there just to get back into the country. I find a lot of employers these days are not even willing to discuss relocating you.

My mother died unexpectedly, very suddenly and young (for nowadays) about year ago. So much of the experience has been coloured by feeling so helpless while being so far away from the rest of the family. But I would be lying if I did not also say that it has been of some comfort to think that at least this way, she did not face a slow steady decline into old age ... and I did not face the concurrent dilemma of having to cope with that at long distance.

Odile, I'm so sorry about your parents! What timing too.
I'm glad to know that your heart is settled about it, the impression that I get from my own parents is that that is what they want, is for us to be happy and settled with our lives, our choices and things that come.

**hugs**

So far as my parents go. Well.
Over the past year+ I've come to realize better what I can and can't do and I've learned to trust my siblings a bit more, or at least accept that things will work out however they will AND that my parents are happy for me and happy with themselves about how things are now.

One of my sisters is (finally) truly settled in with my mother, to the extent that her (relatively new) boyfriend has moved in as well. He's a doll, helping quite a bit with things that have needed doing for a long time which my father left without either taking care of or making sure that my mother had a way to see to them.

My mother went to stay with my baby sis in November or December and went back home in January as she (my sis) was suffering from severe depression following some difficulties giving birth of my newest nephew. (I have to keep reminding myself how much easier it is for my mother to travel within the US than to come here, why else would she visit my sis - who has tons of extended family around - and not visit me when I was having trouble ) So, mother feels needed and appreciated again, which has helped get her moving about more and focusing on herself a bit more also so that she can be there when needed.


My father I don't think I mention very often. He left my mother for his old high-school sweetie just after my parent's 32nd anniversary. In fact, he took my mother on his trip to his h.s. reunion FOR their anniversary. (People do funny things when they're suffering depression.) He's not great at keeping in touch and neither am I. He sends heartfelt letters that make me cry, I send similar to him (with similar result). Two emotional people do not great correspondents make.

I think he's doing alright. I'm in touch with his baby sis and he spends some time with her and her family as he and his sweetie have their "permanent" address near them. He travels a lot, did the retirement dream he'd shared with my mother, traveling the US in an RV, stopping when and where he wants. Among his most frequent stops are visits to see my two youngest siblings who both have young children. I think he enjoys the whole "grandpa" thing.

This is a very emotive and worrying subject. I have elderly parents back in the UK, have lived abroad for several years, and have no immediate plans to return to the UK. Similarly, my younger sister is living abroad.

However, my elder sister lives in the UK and has for a long time had a dream to run a guest house in Cornwall, where my parents live. So, she and her husband are buying my parents' house and converting it into living quarters for them and my parents; thus caring for them for the rest of their days and, when the time comes (as it will, sadly, but inevitably ...), they will realise their dream.

Thanks so much for this thread. The topic is something I too have been struggling with over the years. This morning I thought of turning to EF as a support--and yet again, its come through for me in the form of this thread.

In the last month, the health of my [usually vibrant] 85 year old mother back in Canada has taken a turn. After an unsuccessful attempt to convince her to come to Switzerland (where she was born and spent the first 35 years of her life), I faced the dilema that many of you on the thread have.

Last weekend after returning from a visit home, I decided to call it a day, and move back. I feel for those of you who have much more complex issues (i.e. kids in school, spouce's jobs, etc.) to overcome as you weigh your decision to stay or go back to your parents. In a way, its made me stronger, and reduced the stress (and tears this morning) I'm going though as I sort out the aftermath of my decision.

I assume that you have no siblings and that the brunt of this will fall to you. It is also difficult to know their exact financial situation; only they and you can be the appropriate judge of that. However, some aspects are true regardless:

You need to make sure that in the event that one of your parents needs full-time care, the other parent will not be financially bankrupted by the costs. This can be done in a number of ways but you most likely will need a lawyer's advice and a financial advisor's advice. The hardest part of all this is that you will need your parent's compliance, understanding and trust, and many parents do not like the prospect of losing control over their assets. Some see it as a 'grab' attempt.

My suggestion: lay the groundwork yourself and then guide your parents through it WITHOUT givng them the impression that it is not their right to choose. That's the hardest part.

You have a difficult job, but in the years ahead you will be able to look in the mirror and know that you did the right thing (or at least made the best possible attempt). You will need a great deal of patience and diplomacy.

A decision you won't ever regret! Well done...

I'm sorry that you have been hurt so much by the relationship, or lack of it, with your parents. I cannot imagine that they were, or are, very happy people either. We have no idea of the reasons behind all the things which made your life so difficult. I asked myself (as mother of adult children and grandmother too) how hard it would be to 'do without' the contact I have with them all. Very hard indeed.

What you decide to do depends not only on what you feel is right, what other people expect, but also on whether you can afford to help them.

Only one piece of advice - remember that you can regret things for a long long time. Things you wished you hadn't done, and things you wish you had. Reading this Thread and ones on similar subjects, one of the most comforting things for many people after their parents have gone is to be able to say 'I did what I could'.

The previous poster has now removed her post. Pity. I'm leaving this though. Maybe it will help her or other members.