I can see myself with a bit of a dilemma as my parents in the UK are now in their 70's... I have so many commitments here (work/Children/business etc) & wonder how I am going to manage when my parents need more support later.

I still don't see myself living in Switzerland forever but not much at the moment would make me want to live back in the UK possibly except that soon I have to take some responsibility for them as I do get quite nervous when I'm told that one of them is sick every so often (or both even). I know that I have to make major plans to be able to go over there especially if it would be with short notice..

This does worry me, I do miss my family but that is different from being there for them when they need me most, does it worry anyone else here?

I do not want to sound callous but I take it you are around my age (mid 40's and holding) I would like to give you my respectful advice: Yes you do have a lot of commitments here, but you have only one mother and father, at seventy they will not be around for much longer and then they will be gone forever, the wheel of life turns and afterwards you will have other commitments, what is more important? That is the question you should be asking yourself. The choice is yours and yours only.
For myself I wish I could turn the clock back, use hindsight and take another path.

Whilst I agree it is a difficult decision you also have your life to live and must find your own path.

Do you have brothers and sisters who can provide the necessary support?

Yes you are right, that is the dilemma...

....I did actually already make some plans in the back of my head & though you don't give much away about why you would turn back the clock, I think the ball must soon start to roll regarding these.

I do have a brother & sister, brother is a bit unreliable in this area so its another reason to be pro-active & not let my sister shoulder the whole thing alone.

I am in a similar situation, my parents are getting on but I want to return to Switzerland with my wife to raise the family there and be closer to her parents, who are much younger. I have decided that I need to live my life as it is destined to be lived. If something does happen I can always return.

In your situation you are considering a move back to country of origin so this is a little different, and I can understand the reasons why, and the dilemma faced. The thing is, older folks can live for a lot longer than anticipated, so dropping your life to look after them could still end up being a 10 - 20 year commitment.

It really also depends if you are willing to settle back in your country of origin because it could be a long term commitment.

It's one of those family subjects that is not easy to discuss, but should for everyones benefit.

Is there any chance of a "family meeting"?

Treat them as you want to get treated by your kids when you get older

It can indeed be a big problem when the ‚youngsters’ live abroad and the parents get on in years. However, your parents are ‚only’ in their seventies. They may live another twenty years and packing up and going back to England to ‘take responsibility’ would be pretty short-sighted.

Maybe you should sit down with your parents sometime and think things through. Don’t expect them to go along with any suggestions you make though. At seventy plus most folk are still very capable of making their own decisions and resent ‘the children’ poking their noses in. Just try to sow a few seeds.

A couple of things which come to mind:
Financial –have they enough money to live on comfortably? If not, can you help or arrange for them to have assistance?
Accommodation – is the place they are living in suitable for them as they get older? Can anything be done to improve matters or make it safer? (Chair lift for stairs, shower instead of bath etc.)
Help with paperwork – is there anyone else in the family who can keep a bit of an eye on things when necessary to make sure that bills are paid etc?
Cleaning – do they have a person who helps out? If not, can this be arranged?
Are any health problems being dealt with?
Have they made a will?
Are some things in their house promised, at their death, to specific people? Check, make a list, have it signed.

I got my mother to dictate her ‘Life History’ to me and I had a copy of her address book. When she died, my sister could do the ‘local arrangements’ but I could do quite a bit from here.

These are only a few ideas. There are plenty of other points too. It helps just to sort out what you are really worried about. To look at it realistically, if you lived with your family in England, you would hardly be running round checking on your parents every minute of the day either.

Keep in touch! I wrote to my mother every week for twenty years after coming back here and she rang me each Tuesday! It made it easier for me to talk her into things when I visited!

You’ll not be the only one on the Forum who’ll have this problem one day. I’m glad it all went fairly smoothly in our family.

Your comments are really true & very helpful especially what you say about them maybe living a lot longer than anticipated, they never smoked or anything so you are right & its something to seriously consider as well.

I am sorry, but you should live your own life.

The best thing you can do for them is show them how well you are doing.

One thing you must do is protect their money. (for their own good)
My Father is 80 years old and now in a care home - he had a major stroke in May this year. He is in an almost vegetable state.
My mother now must pay 700 pounds a week for this and is now looking into options involving selling the family home in order to pay for this care. (It is government policy if you have assests over 20,000 pounds)

This means that my mother will now not have much money to live once my father passes away.

With a little advance planning you could help them plan for events like this. get them move into an affordable rental bungelow, put their assets and money where the government cannot legallly access it. basically start to take control of their destiny - in my case this is very difficult, as my parents were very matriarchal and patriarchal

My mum and dad knew about this scenario, but always thought they would live healthily for ever and kept putting things off.
It is not callous - just realistic.
My advice is to discuss this sooner rather than later with them.

My folks arent as old as yours but genetics came into play and my mum fell victim to heart disease a couple of years back - her side of the family has a long history of cardio problems. She since had bypass and various other scares - fainting in the toilet when no one was home, shortness of breath etc - before I packed up and left the country as well as when I was here. To make things worse, she is a 13-14 hours flight away whilst I am gathering from your post that your folks arent as far away. Believe me, the number of times I've been frustrated because no one in the family told me about the smaller incidents till days later, has got me thinking that I should just pack up, and go home to be closer 'in case anything else happens'.

But..you never know what the future will hold. People grow old and health problems surface. Its the circle of life. Uprooting what you've built here just to go back because your parents are getting older is, like what Longbyt pointed out, rather shortsighted. Its not about shriking responsibilties towards your parents and I am sure, as parents, they will totally understand that you have a life here and wouldnt want you to give it up to be closer to them just because they are getting older. They want you to be happy and successful if it means going to another country to do it (my mum has to take credit for those words). Life throws us curveballs and you can only grab it by the balls and deal with it when it happens.

Just my 2 rappens worth.

Oh Boy.. I thought I was the only one with my life (responsibilities) spread across 3 countries.

In such situations, the best thing is do what gives you Peace of Mind and Heart... and what you wont Regret after the day they are no longer with you.

Cant you bring them over to CH?

Did you investigate the option to bring them over to Switzerland? I m not sure you can do that at all but maybe considering the situation, you might get appropriate visas for your parents to stay with u

I understand that you have your own life and under current circumstances moving back to UK is not the best option but still better not regret afterwards

LOL (at the 3 countries bit)...

That's not the point I make by saying I am concerned about them..... I would never have them live with me, I don't agree with this & strangely enough, they have never supported me much whilst younger, that doesn't mean I shouldn't want to look for them but there is a cut-off point (apart from them being quite 'difficult').

They are not poor & I did discuss (offer) to find them a nice little lakeside place they could spend the rest of their years whilst renting out the property they own in the UK.

I certainly understand what you are going through; I've been dealing with this for many years now, first with my husband's parents and now with mine.

We looked into getting permits to bring my husband's parents over to live with us, but as non-EU there were significant obstacles. If one parent were left alone, and there were no close relatives in the home country, one could likely get a permit - but as both were still living, albeit incapacitated, chances were slim.

The clincher for us, though, was health care. Given their precarious health and age (mid 80s), the ILs would not be able to get anything other than basic insurance - which we felt was not sufficient for their needs. And as the ILs speak no German we worried that they would not be able to communicate their health care needs effectively. Not to mention that, at their ages, the chances of meeting other people, of becoming part of a new community, are nil.

At this stage we felt that uprooting the parents, taking them out of their comfort zone, would do more harm than good.

So we do what thousands of our generation do - juggle.

Longbyte has given some excellent advice.

Neither the ILs nor my parents wish to leave their homes, although it is becoming increasingly difficult for them to do the everyday things. We have tried to help by hiring what household services the parents will allow, and by encouraging and organizing some sensible renovations and changes. But leaving the family home is a huge emotional and psychological step - one the parents are not ready for, and one only they can decide when to take.

We have encouraged them to think about that step, to decide what they want - and do not want - to do, to be ready if and when that time comes. Both sets of parents are reluctant even to do that, as again, the emotional baggage is huge.

We have quietly done some research, made some tentative plans in the background, like getting on various waiting lists to keep options open should steps have to be taken quickly or in an emergency. I hope it does not come to that - I want the parents to decide for themselves, based on their own wishes and needs.

Aside from that, we travel back as often as possible; to juggle our family responsibilities here my husband and I rarely travel together - one goes to spend 3-4 days in the States while the other holds the fort here. We find that frequent short trips are more helpful than longer visits twice a year.

We try to have things organized here so that one of us can get back to the US within 24 hours in an emergency.

We are in contact with the various senior services organizations in the parents' towns, we hope we have immediate emergency care sufficiently organized.

We have asked our parents' neighbors to keep an eye on them - not to do anything per se, but to let us know if something seems amiss. Boxes of Sprüngli chocolate arriving periodically from Switzerland let neighbors know their help is much appreciated.

It's very very difficult. I wish I had better answers. I fear all I can offer is empathy.

I wasn't really seeking advice as I think my situation is quite unique, what I wanted to hear was what other expats do practically to help from a long-distance perspective & I have read some really good posts that only help.

My other half would shiver with fear would I suggest they come live with us!

Aside from that, the way I see it is that I would not be here were it not for them. Perhaps my fear of getting old myself perpetuates me thinking so much of what I can do to make life easier for them as they reach the twilight years.

One thing I do appreciate in reading the difficulties of others who are much farther away from their families is how much easier it is for me.

You say you don’t want advice – perhaps someone else might though.

Do what you can.
The UK is not so far. As parents get older and more infirm, go over and stay with them for a few days if possible. Talk with the neighbours, clear up muddles, check with other folk who visit them.

Apart from the practical things which meloncollie described so well - Do prime-time things with your parents. My dad loved me walking a round of golf with him. My Mum loved to have the clues of the cryptic crosswords read to her as she was nearly blind. She revelled in the trip by taxi and in her wheelchair to look round a new department store in the town, which gave her 'street-credit' for weeks with her cronies. ‘I went there on the day it opened. Didn’t think much of the selection really’.


Do things the parents themselves enjoy doing. Apart from giving them pleasure, it assures them that you are considering their feelings and needs.
And later, when they are no longer around, you have a satisfying feeling that you did what you could. No regrets.

I can appreciate what you're going through. My dad is in his early 70s, in the US and is doing well - for now. He's got health issues, but they're not severe. His mother died earlier this year at 97, so I'm hoping he takes after her in that regard!

My mother died 15 years ago, and after that he remarried - and his wife is about 10 or so years younger than he is. I hate to admit it, but I'm relying on her to be able to do what I'm not able to do from over here. No brothers or sisters to rely on to help out, either. I don't have any intentions of moving back to the States - especially not to where he lives (rural southern state, no industry and my husband and I would go bonkers down there).

I've been living in a sort of avoidance of what to do should he need more care than the wife is able to provide. This is a tough one for any of us living so far from ageing parents.

I have had no contact with my divorced parents for 20 years. They were both bad to me as I was result of unwanted pregnancy, cause of their forced marriage and eventual divorce. They held a grudge against me and always treated me like a leper. I had a really horrible childhood thanks to my parents. My biggest fear is that they will try to come back into my life when they need old age help. For me they died long time ago. I was lucky to find a smashing, loving and kind partner who has healed my childhood pain but I will never sacrifice my future for my parents. If they had been loving to me then I would have sacrificed my life for them.