I searched through the forum, but couldn't find a related thread. I had one of those "it's crap being an adult" moments yesterday when my 14 year old daughter revealed that she had cut herself intentionally this past week.

I guess it's not something that you can really prep yourself for in advance in case something like this ever occurs, but I think it was a learning moment for both of us. My daughter said that she was unhappy in every sphere of her life, family (we're separated), school, friends, pressure of getting an apprenticeship, the usual teenage stuff I guess. So I did what everyone of you would have done and read what was out there in the world of "expert opinions and advice" on the intraweb and learned that this a pretty common teenager reaction. It would appear that self inflicted injuries are a cry for help, a "look at me, can't you tell I'm suffering?" plea rather than a genuine suicide attempt. Looking at the 4 specific cuts on her lower arm above the wrist it's obvious that they were not in any way deep or life-threatening and from the signs of healing I doubt she lost much, if any, blood, but the picture in my head is pretty strong and something which I challenge any parent to put into perspective when you know how much you love your kids. Dealing with my own perceived guilt and feelings of neglect are irrelevant now, this is about her and how to try and paint a more positive picture of her life and highlight the many talents that she has as an A-grade secondary school student.

I'm not looking for the "go to the nearest school shrink" or "get therapy" responses, I'm hoping that someone else who has experience of teenage self-inflicted injuries can share their stories and maybe tell how they managed to open a good dialog where there obviously wasn't one before. Talking freely and sharing your hopes and fears is the only way I believe that we can prevent this very sad and scary phenomenon from reoccurring.

There, a serious post with social, parental and child related issues all in one neat little bundle to brighten your Sunday morning.

Rabina, This is, in my opinion, extremely serious. Get your little one medical attention and a psychiatrist as soon as possible.
Don't wait, react.

I understand that you're not looking for the type of response I'm giving you, but the question is just too serious for a bunch of moms (or dads) on EF to give any kind of valid advice. You need to ask for medical help.

I'm really very sorry to read that you're going through a tough period.

Thanks Sky. Auto-aggression is actually pretty common. It would appear to be a teenager only (mostly female) reaction to a given set of "virtual" circumstances. No, we're not going to the psych-whatever side of affairs, this is down to discussion, and openness. I'm not underestimating the severity of this case, but nor will I overreact to something that I think belongs pretty much to the growing pains of a teenager. Some kids smoke, some drink, others experiment with drugs, our daughter never did any of those, so now we have scars on her arm and we'll get over it.

I think you need a good psychiatrist/psychologist.

These sorts of things don't just appear from nowhere...and to get to the point of actually harming yourself...yes, it's a cry for help...your child probably needs treatment for depression and some family therapy as well...

There are plenty of resources on the internet.

I can recommend www.beyondblue.org.au

I can also recommend http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

Both are legitimate sites from the Australian government and are in English (obviously) and backed up by the latest mainstream research and science.

One thing stuck out from your post - quote "Dealing with my own perceived guilt and feelings of neglect are irrelevant now, this is about her "

I disagree strongly...you need to be sure about what *you* are going to do - and to be clear about where her 'issues' stop and yours begin. It's also possible to overreact. Children exist within a family - your daughter is as much a child of her father than of her mother - she sees in herself things that are 'just like her father' and 'just like her mother' and she has to also find her own identity...

I am a mother of three who has not yet reached the teen years. However, I have walked the road with a close friend whose mental health issues appeared around age 16-17 and as the outsider looking in, her problems were only made 10 times worse by a mother who wanted to control the situation - her mother moved her to a conservative catholic girls school in the hope she would study really hard (her daughter was also very sporty and a tomboy and I feel that the mum liked the idea of her daughter being less 'masculine')...instead, she caught glandular fever, dropped out of school, tried to repeat the following year, and by the end of the year had anorexia nervosa, and spent the following 4-5 years in and out of institutions. She lost all her friends and her new 'friends' were the people she met in the psychiatric hospital...not a particularly positive group of role models...

Fear of failure in high-achievers is a problem. Being a straight-A student doesn't protect you from a nervous breakdown.

Sorry. now I am ranting and raving. IMHO your daughter needs to know that you love her unconditionally, regardless of whether she is an A student or a D student...and her love of herself, her self-respect, her self-esteem can grow and flourish. She needs to know you will not give up on her, and that you appreciate her as a human being, "I love you just the way you are"...

Another thought - what support networks have you built - does she have other role models - do you encourage her to have her own relationship with her dad, her extended family, or do you moderate those relationships (listening in, making arrangements, wanting to know what they talk about when you are not there?) - it's really important that kids have a network of respected, trustworthy adults - does she have her own phone book - does she know who she can call in an emergency, or just because she needs to talk to someone - does she know about community services, does she have her own medical card, does she know how to organise a doctor's appointment on her own...

These are the sorts of things I did as a 14 year old. They were significant in building my own safety net and independence.

There is large youth/children's psychology service attached to the kinderspital in Zurich.

This could be a one-off incident or lead to much more difficult problems...

I think that your daughter needs your attention & friendly advice more than anything else. Growing up in today's times can be really difficult.

The best approach is such situations is to treat the teenager in a normal & relaxed way. Spend more time with them & encourage them to voice their concerns freely without a fear of being condoned.

Share your experiences as well about growing up with her giving the message that sometimes things aren't easy but you have overcome them in the past & so she can.Try to highlight some of her achivements in her own eyes. Simply put make her feel good about herself.

I sincerly hope that things work out well for you & your daughter.

At 14, you are only at the beginning...not the end...she still has plenty of years to do drugs, smoke, drink...and worse...

you can be as self-assured about it as you like. A friend of mine buried her 23 year old son...we all like to think that we would know what needs to be done, that we can prevent this from happening, but I wouldn't want to walk even to the corner store in her shoes...I'd like to think that what happened to her wouldn't happen to me, that we are somehow 'different'...but that's wishful thinking...there are lots of things in life we do not control...

Please forgive me Rabina, but I don't think it's just one of those things.

Going to a doctor for this kind of help can remain a completely private affair, nobody would need to know except you and your child.
It's nothing shameful. If you break your arm you get a cast, the brain is part of the body, no different from any other organ.

Take her expression of her disraught seriously.

First I'm sorry to hear that. But it's just an *ask for help*, she would have killed herself if she was *really bad* but it's a serious *ask for help*.

I made myself this kind of *ask for help*, you daughter needs a professional help, she needs to talk, but to somebody she doesn't know and that she won't see after, so not to you, or to her friends.

*Doctor* can only put her in contact with professional because it's serious stuff and yours don't react correctly, choose another one or go directly to the *medical group* of the area you live.

That what my parents should have been doing when I was 17.... I would not be what I am now...

And you don't have to feel guilty or whatsoever. My parents felt guilty and that has just added to my difficulties...

Good luck.

I have to agree with Sky. A friend of mine started self-harming at the age of 13, she developed Anorexia and ultimatley took an overdose. Thankfully she was found in time so recovered from the overdose but still bears the scars on her arm from the self harm. She was refered to a psychiatrist by the hospital that treated her and this is what got her through the tough time she was having. She got through it all and survived everything but talking about it now she realised she needed the help back then even though she resisted it at the time. Get help for your daughter now before it goes any further.

Sorry, Rabina, your girl is going through this.

I have taught this specific age group girl classes, and trust me - it is not all that common. You don't have many girls hiding their wrist in long sleeved shirts and ashamed to change at PE classes because they rutinely cut themselves. You do, however, get a lot of hangovers, etc. You probably want to think it is not so serious as not to stigmatize your girl in your mind..Crap happens to everyone, yes, and you will get through this!

But, the scary bit is the definitiveness of the scars. They stay. The pain leaves but the scars stay to remind and rehurt. So, there is a reason why your girl chose this specific way to selfmutilate.

Be her friend, have her trust you, talk talk talk, if you guys can. If not, she needs somebody close, to relate, etc. Is the pressure in school too much? Bullying? Socially not accepted by peers because of anything? Kids can be very mean to straight A students. Is she in love? How is her relationship with her mom? She needs her mom..And you and her mom need to team up on this one.

My best friend killed himself when he was 21. He thought he was a big boy and did not want to ask (could not) for help. Consider the scars of your girl an attempt to ask you for help.

There is a good book by Michael Gurian "The Wonder of Girls", I recommend it. It explains a lot of the stuff that is going inside a girl.

Now, what would I do...I don't know. I was in a similar situ as a teenager, straight As as well and things all of a sudden did not make sense to me any longer. I decided to take things in my own hands in a constructive way and left home to be independent. School and career was taken care of later. You might be surprised to find out what is going on in your girl's head. She might tell you she no longer sees the point of things she has done so far. Think about these things ahead of her asking for advice..

I think a lot about teenagers, I love that age bracket in terms of teaching them. We want so much from them and often do not get how serious their thoughts and worries can become. I would rather have my girl getting drunk every now and then to relieve the pressure, puking everywhere, rocking out in my living room to make my neighbors livid rather then having her quietly slitting her wrists and inflicting pain on herself. My heart goes to her.

Quite often kids of devorced parents feel guilty for the break up. It would be good if she did have somebody unrelated (or grannies) to talk this over.

Good luck! (and get her a guitar and very big amp, help her start something unique that will make her feel not like a failure but like a star)

If you've read on the web that its normal teenage 'reaction', my own personal experience is that it will become an addiction, and snow ball into bigger problems later - similar to drugs, alcohol and smoking - if not dealt with promptly.

You asked for us to share experiences, and I am stunned by how many people on here who've shared similar experiences with loved ones who were in pain and ended up in the most unfortunate circumstances because they think they can cope.

One of my best friends then was an academic high flyer back in school. Loving family, school athelete, popular and had everything going for her, but she had a dark secret - like your daughter, she started cutting herself when we were arond 16. I was one of the very few who carried the secret with her, as we were inseperable back then. She showed me her scars one day and I was helpless because I didnt know what to do and the last straw came when she calmly took a pen knife one day, and sliced her flesh open, right in front of me. I freaked and told my mum, who in turn told her mum. Like you, her parents thought that it was teenage angst, overwhelming pressure of being a teenager and tried to be there for her. But they couldnt stop her from developing an eating disorder in her late teens. It was only then, that they decided that she needed professional help. She battled with her demons for years before finally giving in 5 years ago, when she jumped off a building.

I am not saying that the same will happen to your daughter, and it certainly is not the most encouraging post you'll get on here. I do apologise if its harsh and scared you.

My point is simple - the internet can only provide us with so much information and background but the real help is out there, with the trained professionals. Dont dismiss the idea of therapy and counselling because you've absolutely nothing to lose (and possibly everything to gain) by sending her for a couple of sessions and work out the next steps from there. Its heartening to see that the relationship between you and her seems like an open and honest one for her to come to you and admit that she is cutting herself but I urge you to seriously consider the option of therapy.

Good luck and please keep us posted. My thoughts are with you and your family.

a had a friend who had a similar experience, lot's of stress which caused him to self-harm.

got him into a special clinic and he was OK after a month of treatment/counselling.

My son's girlfriend started cutting herself at the age of 15. She broke off an apprenticeship, then started on the drugs and alcohol. I persuaded her to come to "Suchtberatung" with me, where the pyschologist decided she was suicidal.

At 17 she left home to be with my son and did not go home to her parents house for more than a year.

Only when her mother, who was devastated by the situation, started going to a pyschologist herself and put her own problems in order did the daughter stop cutting herself. ( The mother was very controlling and a perfectionist who was very critical and gave her daughter the feeling she could do nothing right).

At the age of 21 now things are beginning to fall into place and she has stopped the drugs and drinking and has an apprenticeship of her own choice starting next September.

I really DO think you need professional help or advice. Good luck with your daughter.

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is going through this. In one sense, you are right, and "cutting" (or other forms of self-mutilation) are not as uncommon as you might think. On the other hand, it's a definite cry for help and needs to be taken seriously. No, it's not life-threatening, the cuts will heal up again. The intention is not to do serious harm in terms of loss of blood - but it's a symptom. One of my friends once explained it to me as a need to *feel* something because the level of emotional pain and disconnect inside her was so high, cutting was the only way to ground herself in reality, and feel something again. However, this grounding never lasted long, and soon she would cut again. Even with a loving family environment willing to do whatever it takes, friends etc. she was not able to stop. Relief and healing came over a period of time, when she saw someone neutral, a psychologist, who helped her to look at and deal with her pain, anger and other feelings of stress and questions of self-worth that were leading to the self-mutilation.

Although I am sure you and the entire family are willing to do everything you can to give her help and support, and show her your unconditional love, I do feel strongly that she will need a neutral place and person to really "unpack" her feelings... where she won't have any sense of endangering your love when she lets the pain out. Please don't feel that you are failing her in any way by suggesting she talk to someone who is trained to help her - on the contrary, that is the best help you can give, backed up by your love and support for her.

I had a significant depressive episode in my teens. Never cut myself with a razor, or did drugs and alcohol, although you can hurt yourself emotionally too. My mother had been through something similar when she was younger and was open and easy to talk to, but it wasn't quite enough. Sooner or later, looking at your relationship becomes a part of the discussion and that's where it gets hard. I ended up seeking professional help when I was an adult, it was just what I needed, but wish it had been an option when I was younger.

No one knows your situation better than you do, it is true. But, it could be that you need a professional to help work with your and your daughter. The most understanding mother in the world can be too close and the best thing she can do is seek help elsewhere.

At 13 or 14, it can be difficult to talk to your mother for whatever reason. Maybe a child feels that she is a dissappointment, maybe she is angry with her mother, maybe all of the changes that happen - hormonal and physical just make it impossible.

Cutting is not that common, so you're right to be concerned. Teens are susceptible to depression and anxiety, and are sensitive to peer and media pressure. An adult who is there to advocate for them can be so invaluable in helping wade through all the confusion. Sometimes though, a parent is too close and a professional is best (therapist, physician, teacher).

Best of luck to you both.

Dear Rabina,

With every cut, you're daughter is trying to eliminate the emotional pain she is suffering through physical pain. It helps for about 3 seconds and then the emotional pain just gets worse.

Take your daughter seriously. 100% seriously. That is what she's shouting through her injuries. She is suffering inside and is at her limits on how to deal with her life. She's begging for help. By saying it's not a big deal, you are just confirming her suspicions that no one is taking her seriously. Give her love and LISTEN to her. Take her fears and emotions seriously. Consider seeing a counsellor or even a family counseller because this might be one problem that's too big for you to handle.

Good luck.

Teenagers have a tough time of it: one minute we're treating them like they're five and the next, we're giving them a hard time and telling them to grow up and be more responsible. Most of the screw ups that teenagers go through are adult/ parental related and the more parents say it's nothing to do with them, the worse the problems get and the more isolated the child becomes.

None of us are perfect parents.

While looking for professional advice, you need to own up to her problems. Arrange a set time every day where you both get together and each of you start a separate visual & written diary but work on it together - compare your daily lives, work/school, friends/colleagues, boss/teacher, parent/child.. talk honestly to each other, how you both feel about everything going on around you.. draw pictures, write words, use colour, stick in pictures/ photographs of people/places.. do this and after a few weeks, you'll both have got closer; you'll get to know your daughter better and she, you and don't be surprised if you have a good laugh in a couple of weeks over something neither of you knew about the other.

Reading this thread is really painful but it's a good thing that people can be out in the open about such a difficult, confusing and painful subject.

I wish my mum had access to this medium, it would have helped her a lot with the death of two of my sisters. One self harmed and later developed anorexia then bulimia, the other committed suicide.

It's hard to be a bystander in a dearly loved one's life, maybe professional help wont help your daughter but it would certainly help you to cope with the consequences of her problem.

I don't want to paint your world black, what happened to my family probably wont happen to yours but having the support of experienced people could go along way in helping you to deal and cope with your situation.

Heartfelt empathy for you and your's.

If it's cutting across, then it's just a way to attract attention, if it's along... then it's trouble.

At any rate you should be talking to a specialist, not anonymous internet users with their own varying degrees of neurosis.

It's a real pleasure to see so many members willing to share their experiences and importantly remaining positive in such a thread. I have no idea what it's like to be a teenage girl but in terms of your relationship with your daughter I can appreciate how wretched this must make you feel.

You seem pretty grounded and no doubt aware psychological support is available and beneficial. Respectfully, there's likely to be parent-child issues and this is obviously the time to work on those points yourself and with other close family members. I hazard to say we all have issues of one sort or another with each other.

However, there are also likely to be many issues of her own which you perhaps can help her with as a friend, rather than as a parent (although in your eyes you're always both!). It's hard as a teenager to know the difference and it's your job to support that distinction. In my opinion All the best.