huh? don't get it

Dear OP,

My heart broke for you when I was skimming thru the posts and found yours. I completely and wholly understand your pain and confusion. My husband is a sex addict. He has been in recovery for 1 1/2 years now and will celebrate his sobriety of one year in January. We moved over here in July to the Lugano area. He also used escorts and blew thru copious amounts of money. My decision to stay with him was based on his willingness to work the program and stay clean. He has had his slips in the past since I discovered all of his activity, however, he is commited to working this out and not losing his family, which he knows is a very real possiblity without his working on himself. Not only would I suggest that you get couples couseling, but individual conseling for each of you.

You have a huge amount of emotions that need to be processed through and its difficult to do alone. I am also quite sure that my husband would be willing to talk / listen / counsel your husband. Your husband does need to be willing to admit that he has a problem, which he does.

I dont know where you live, but I also would be more than willing to talk to you on the phone, skype or internet if you need someone to talk to that has gone throught this incredible pain.

One last thing for now that I would encourage you to do; be still, breathe and be with your child. right now the pain can be almost too much to take. Also, do not make major life decisions right now. There will be time for that. You are in shock, I would imagine and the most important things to do are take care of yourself and that 2 year old. We have an 11 year old and almost 4 year old (both girls). Also, I always swore that I would leave a man if he ever cheated on me. Life is funny how we are so sure of one thing until it acutally happens to us.

PS: your husband needs to get tested, as do you. No debate on that.

God Bless

God, this woman is in serious pain and some posters are acting like they are down the pub having a good ole laugh about characters in a Carry On film. Why bother replying if you think it's nothing or you are single and haven't any experience or even any empathy with what she is going through?

And go kick him in the nuts. It will not solve the problem but it might make you feel a bit better. Worst case it will make him feel a lot worse.

Never has a truer word been spoken. Thanks for the very moving and honest post.

The fundamental problem is how a person views this act of using a prostitute. All Individuals are complex and behave differently according to the emotional state they are in. This act does not define this man and OP marriage. There is so much emphasis and importance put on the primal act of sex.
If its purely an act of release then let him have his 5 minutes of fun (with safety). Otherwise park all emotion aside and seek the truth which leads to clear path…

*deep breaths*
Are you kidding me?

The fundamental problem is not the act of using a prostitute. Its his self confessed sex addiction which is a time bomb that is ruining the family. Just like how gambling, alcoholic addictions ruins families.

Let him have his 5 minutes of fun? Again and again and again? When do you think it will ever stop? It will NEVER stop for any kind of addicts unless they seek help.

pffft...I dont think I've ever handed out so many red smarties before in a day.

A porn, some tissues and 5 minutes can also do the trick ... no?

Sexual acts outside of the marriage are corrosive. Period. If a couple chooses an open marriage, which it seems the OP did not, that is one thing.

We are not only talking about two human beings but a married couple with a young child as well. Are they supposed to teach that child "if it feels good, do it and dont worry who you hurt?"

Additionally, while the advice of parking emotions aside has some validity, it isn't realistic at this juncture. Also, marriage is a commitment that is made between two people. That commitment and promise has been broken by his acts. How " he views the use of the prostitutes" is irrelavant as "his view" has an impact on others around him besides himself; his wife and child. He has hurt himself as well as his wife and they need time to breathe, think and heal.

I'm sorry but this makes me ill. Prostitute are slaves. Perhaps a few of them do that because they like it or the money they've got from this.

And a married man should stay devoted to her wife. point.

Where is the goal of loving somebody if you're going to visit other *houses* at the first opportunity.....

Underlying reasons that lead to sex outside marriage are corrosive. If we stuck on the visible tip of the iceberg, the problem will never be solved, the suffering will only replicate itself in various forms, for either of the partners or both.
And this suffering... there's another trick to it. What is it mostly that suffers? the soul, or the ego? My personal experience was to pay attention to "the source" of suffering, it may not make one happier, but wiser and kinder for sure.
OP everything will be fine! If you both love each other - you will come out stronger and more loving out of this storm! If it's not meant for you to be together - you'll come out stronger and wiser for the next happier relation

"He could not help himself"

Yeah right. Someone had a gun on his head and forced him to have sex. Thats the most crappy excuse i ever heard. I assume anybody above the age of 20 (to be a bit realistic) can control their urges.

One thing to remember. Its not your fault. He acted like an idiot and you didnt have anything to do with it. You are not to blame.


How did you find out by the way?

Because as well as good advice and empathy she sounds like she could do with a little cheering up.

I send you all my support
haven t been in that situation
but i would talk with him ,to understand why
he was doing this,and then see if you can forgive him
and if you think your relation can go on with this
discover that you made.
I would say go to see your Familly,enjoy them,talk
only to who you wish,i know that if that would happen to
me ,i would not talk about that with my Grand Mother,
she will go crazy,i will talk to my Uncle wife as well as my dad.
My mother would have help,but she is no more around us.
and i undertsand very well the feeling of feeling lonely
and you have made big sacrifices to follow him,i did the
same for my husband.
I hope you will find peace in your heart
Hugs

In my humble opinion, for two people to stay together forever
– each must first love themselves which allows their partner to love them too
- Be open(Not judgemental) to discuss and accept the others flaws and views.
There are so many shades of black and white....

Not possible, we are mortals.

	Quote:	joceline
	– each must first love themselves which allows their partner to love them too

You mean "bash the bishop" first and then make love?

	Quote:	joceline
	- Be open(Not judgemental) to discuss and accept the others flaws and views.

Thats what he did, he said he cant help it.

	Quote:	joceline
	There are so many shades of black and white....

They're all called "grey" areas.

I hope the OP can find some comfort from the serious posts.

Perfectly good comedy elsewhere, no need to put up with the derailing.

As this is the OPs thread, she's more than welcome to ask via PM for this thread to be reopened. In the meantime - and time is mean - the thread has run it's course.