I apologize for not writing with my usual nickname, but I'm too ashamed for this whole story.
A couple of weeks ago I discovered that when my husband is abroad (very often) he cheats on me. Not a serious affair, he just sees escorts...
We have a child who's almost 2 years old. It's only one year we are here in Switzerland. I left a good job to follow my husband, I had this stupid dream of a family, a respectable family, and now I don't have anything.
I miss my family, my old parents, my brothers, my friends. I can't talk with anybody, because I'm here and I don't want them to worry about me. I always say everything is all right.
I don't know what to do. I have already forgiven him, they say a marriage is made of this. And that we women cannot understand what's in a man's mind. But I am depressed, my self-esteem is so low. I am 38 and pretty, but I feel very old. I don't know what's in a man's man, but in mine there was our family, our child and the respect and the affection I promised to the person I've married.
I'm thinking about leaving Switzerland, go back home. My parents are old and sick, they would die. And I love it here (for my child mainly). Still, I feel lonely, never been so absolutely lonely and sad.
I don't want to be pitifully and beg for mercy. Please don't. Actually I don't know why I'm writing, it's like going to a fortune teller and ask for advice.

It doesn't matter about the nick - if I was a regular and had something I couldn't share with everyone, I'd do the same thing you did.

Its not about right or wrong, its about needing a place to vent and getting some support. I feel your pain and know how lonely it can get. But do your children but most of all yourSELF the favor and don't keep it inside of you or suppress it. Please vent, cry, scream if you have to. These things are not easy to deal with and I think we could all use an anonymous shoulder from time to time. A psychologist can really help you deal with your situation? If you need an ear, you can pm me for my number. I will listen. I don't need to know who you are.


I just wish you good luck. May you be strong and get through this phase as quickly as possible.

I am sorry to hear about this.

I would say don't jump the gun. There are lot of married men who have occasional affairs. That doesn't mean they don't love their family. It can be because they miss the thrill of being a bachelor sometimes. Your husband seeing an escort shows that he doesn't have any emotional attachment to them.

Think what is important to you in life and what all possible options you have.
Then, have a honest talk with your husband without being angry. You can even go for a couple counselling. It will all work out in the end. Be positive.

You write it because you need to tell your pain. I've made the same things several times on different forums.

Now I can't tell you what you have to do, because in the deepest of your heart, you already now it.

I don't understand why some men do that. If you love somebody.....
They certainly don't comprehend how lucky they are, to have a companion, a nice family.

I just can wish you good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Hug.

I would disagree, men who see escorts are likely to be repeat-offenders since its addictive, thrill-seeking behaviour with no strings attached. Even if he apologises and cries his eyes out, all it takes is a moment of weakness and its back to square one.

Men who have an affair are not much better, but at least they are less likely to want to relive the trauma of being caught, and therefore may just realise that its not worth it.

as I assume this is from another "name", I would suggest anyone in the Basel area who could offer support to email the OP via the forum and offer a discreet chance to meet up, vent and perhaps most importantly, make friends who might listen (just listen).

A good idea?

I disagree with this as i know a friend of mine who admitted to his wife about his visits to brothel after she found some incriminating evidence. They decided later to stick together and i can vouch that my friend never went to any brothel. He needed something like this to realise what he values more.
In this case, SM will know better than anyone else how truthful her husband is. If she thinks there is no chance for him, i would agree she has to move on.

It is easy to destroy something you have out of a jerk reaction.

I am very sorry to hear about your experience. And I feel for you. I will not win any votes by saying this but I used to have an affair with married man (see my other post). Very often I tried to cut it off because this relationship is hurting everyone involved, but he continued which is a clear sign that he didn't care about nobody but himself.

Discovering that your husband is seeing escorts must be shocking, and if it's of any consolation, trust me, it is better that him having an affair. He probably just wants some distraction from his every day life, work without having any strings attached. And this means that he loves you and his family enough to not jeopradize it all in one go. It sounds rather twisted, but I discovered that this is how men think.

My boss told me once, you know the best way to keep a marriage is to keep it in your pants.

I take a very conservative view on this topic and I will never cheat on my wife. And frankly I don't expect her to automatically forgive me if it were to ever happen.

I am bound to get many groans from guys, but I just don't think its proper.

Marriage is not only about love. It needs a lot of work from both partners. If you are thinking otherwise, wake up to the real world.

I am really, really sorry about your situation and I think it is good that you have found at least one outlet for your feelings, but I think your family and friends would be devastated to think that you can't reach out to them for support. I know it is hard to talk to them when they are far away, but being there for you when it is hard is probably what they would most want. It would probably help you a lot too to have the support and understanding of some of the people closest to you, not just us EFers.

aside from what's right and wrong and who does what or why- i think what i understand most from your post is that you are suffering thru this alone- i understand you wouldn't want to worry your family and it's is so understandable that being here on your own is soooo difficult during a time like this, especially when you think of all you've sacrificed and done for your family (leaving friends, family, support, all that you know) and having to go thru this on your own. it sucks, i understand, and of course, my darling you feel bad.

while i am not in basel, please know that if you need anything, there are people on this forum and in real life who are here for you- may be strange as you don't know me or anyone else, but in my world and mind there is always time and purpose for listening and being there for a fellow mother/woman and especially when you are without your peeps. if you at any point, feel it is too much and you need an afternoon to talk, take your mind off it or to watch your little one, don't hesitate to p.m me.

even if you are here without our families and lifelong friends- please know you are not alone. all of my best and lots of strength- don't think about anymore than this very moment and your lovely child, worry about the details and the relationship in time.

Come on, be fair, where did he say it does not take any work?

He has his views and they are shared by a lot of other people, this does not mean that they are the only ones that are correct. Posters should not have to write the complete "War & Peace" on the subject in order not to be taken out of context.

I for one agree with persons views, but that does not mean I would never consider other views.

To the original poster I wish you all the best in trying to sort this out. The previous posters have given some pretty sound advice.

You have to confront the issues that are causing this behaviour with your husband and discuss why he feels the need to visit brothels. The behaviour is a consequence of a problem and not the problem itself. It may be that your husband is insecure or needs excitement but the actual visits are no the real root of the problem.

Good luck....

dont have sex with him till he brings home a certificate saying he doesn't have an STD

That comment was primarly aimed at people who normally urge the wife of a cheating husband to take out their husbands to the cleaners. I think these people do more harm to a marriage than anyone else. They create a bitter feeling between the couples resulting in no good for anyone.

You should never be ashamed of the actions of someone else.

I am sorry to hear this, I know it must be very hard on you. I agree with Castro regarding the behavior. What is important is you follow your gut and do what you think is best. Perhaps some time back home, or at least apart, would be beneficial, but I would not rush into a decision until you have thought it through. Many couples have gone through this situation, and the choice is yours how you want to move forward.

As a man, I can say that all men are parasites. It sounds like it did not involve a romance/emotional attachment, so you have to decide if you can accept what has happened and come to an arrangement with your husband. It will take a lot of work and forgiveness, and you may never be able to fully trust him again, but that choice is yours and yours alone. Since there is a bundle of joy of a 2 year old involved, I urge you to not make a rash decision.

Besides, if you can find it yourself to forgive him, he will have to spend the rest of his life making it up to you.

Oh don't worry, I do not encourage the legal route straightaway either.

I think the best way is to see a marriage counsellor, and work out the reasons. And secondly this has to be done asap.

My point of view are for those reasoning that there is "an animal in every man" Hey a mistake is a mistake, a scrw up a scrw up. Don't find excuses to explain men's behaviour. Go forward and solve the issue at hand. That's all.

I'm very sorry to read what you're going through. My only advice would be to make sure the decisions made for the future are made on your terms and that you feel comfortable with. Forgive him or not when you wish, when you are ready, leave him or stay when you decide, and don't feel rushed into anything.
Pain, healing, finding peace take time. Give yourself time.
Believe in yourself, as you said, you are a young and pretty lady, he's not the only man you are going to attract. Even if he is your one and only, and you are as good as gold, it won't hurt your self esteem to realize that you have worth. His actions should not take away your core.
Your strength and indifference will attract him back
And when it does, it will be your decision, whether you want to continue or not.

I can't believe the amount of humanity that is hidden behind the screen of my computer!... I am speechless and moved. I don't feel so lonely anymore and I really mean it, you gave me a lot of strength just letting me know that you are there.
I can't answer properly one by one, I'd write I novel. Just would like to say that me and my husband already managed to go for a couple counseling. I have forgiven him, but I did it only with my brain, and mostly for our child's good. But my soul is aching.
HTD hinted at STD, for example, this is a thought I have and which I cannot cancel: how could he be so irresponsible?
And what Castro wrote: men who see escorts are likely to be repeat-offenders: I totally agree. When I discovered his subterfuge he said "I can't help it". So this means that I will always have doubts whenever he goes out, cause he's sex obsessed.
And all this means, in a word, that I am disgusted.
He is a perfect dad, however, and I can't think of my child growing up without him. And he appears repentant, like a person who didn't realize how dangerous his behavior could be and suddenly woke up.
barron wrote "Think what is important to you in life and what all possible options you have". This is my problem, now. I don't know what's important in my life anymore. Too many things have changed in the past months (I have not a job anymore, not a carrier, no friends, no family), and I don't even know who I am anymore.
Thank all of you