You dont like football, in fact you can barely understand why 22 grown men chase a ball around the field, and be reduced to tears if they lose. But one thing is for sure - the World Cup is upon us and everywhere you turn, flags of every nation will fly and drunk men stumbling on the streets singing on top of their voices. Everyone will be talking about that bloody game - there will just be nowhere to hide! The truth is that millions of women have long since given up the battle for the remote and have joined their blokes on the sofa.

Here's a survival guide for all you ladies out there who will turn into football widows during the month of June:

1) Have a collection of stock sayings to shout at the TV, for example:

"oooooooh" - whenever a shot is taken at the goal, no matter how close. (If especially close, a short round of clapping is permissible)

"Ref!" - if your players are fouled

[silence] - if your players foul the other team's

"PENALTY!" - if one of your players falls anywhere near the opponents' goal

"Go on, son" - when one of your players is heading goal-wards with the ball

"Unlucky" - when said player is effortlessly dispossessed by a £25m defender

NOTE: Dont be a smarty-pants and call "offside!". Such calls are probably best avoided. Even the best linesmen standing there on the pitch rarely get this unfathomable rule right.

2) Have appropriate reactions the right way, at the right time:

When your team score, jubilation, shouting, jumping and hugging are expected. This is also the only time when spilling your drink on another man is forgivable, (when you are in a bar).

If the other team scores, however, a frozen look of shock, followed by a shake of the head. Try to avoid eye contact - but my favourite approach is to hurl a string of abuses and vulgarities at no one in particular.

3) Post Mortem tips:

Men are like bears with sore heads when their team loses. Games can often be the subject of conversation for hours, days, weeks afterwards. This is when you could be most exposed. If asked for your opinion on a result, stick to short summaries like "Great game" and "Yeah fantastic" or "Terrible"/"Disaster". Always check the score after a game to ensure you deliver a suitable reply.

Unless you really watched the match, try to avoid sentences which begin: "I loved the bit when..."

4) General tips:

Try not to be drawn into any discussion about who's going to win the League. When pressed for opinion, be non-commital and diplomatic. Stick to the favourites like Argentina, Spain and of course, Brazil. Completely avoid speculation about "dark horse" teams like Holland and Australia. You could end up in deep water if asked to elaborate. If you find yourself pinned down, a wishy-washy caveat should get you unstuck. Something like: "Well, it is the World Cup. Anything can happen."

But of course dont be stupid and think that the Ivory Coast or North Korea will EVER win the World Cup, also due to the cheating scum known as Henry, the French are not really a popular choice - especially not with anyone in Ireland.

And finally, try to avoid inappropriate, non-footballing terms. Describing footballers as cute / yummy may be frowned upon (no matter how cute they are!). Stick to the words "versatile" / "fiery" / "pacey".

Try to have fun, and you might even get into it. Remember, at the end of the day, the World Cup is only at most, a month - Big Brother lasts for three.

There's always the rugby tours - big strapping men fighting over an oval ball:

England touring Australia
Wales & Ireland (?) touring NZ
Scotland in SA

Enjoy

Now thats something I really dont get - rugby. I dont see the point of 30 men pushing and shoving each other for a ball 1/12 of their size.

this message is too short

Games saturday morning: 09:00 with Ireland Vs NZ, 11:00 England Vs Australia, 13:00 France Vs South Africa. Starting on the guiness at 09:00 in the morning: AMAZING

I thought the women were supposed to be making snacks and serving drinks.

Of course you would.

Offside explained for girls:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.

Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of must-have shoes which you have seen.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also & is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

NOT OFFSIDE: She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

NOT OFFSIDE: At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.

OFFSIDE: You push past the other shopper and then your friend throws you the purse. You must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be terribley bad form to be in front of the other shopper.

I kinda regret starting this thread already.

that's rubbish advice Summerrain. The correct way to behave is to make he always has a cold beer, perhaps make him a sandwich, and maybe a bj in the halftime break.

What happens if the other shopper catches it ... home goal ?

Half-time special, eh.

Thats a rubbish example MikeB. The other shopper technically, cant pay at the same till

Just saw this as well, thanks SD.

@ Sharkys signature under that pic !!!

Then the analogy is better suited for North American football: interception!

I say grab a cocktail and join in!! Sure if ya can't beat them join them! Now c'mon En-ger-land!! Ou Braaaaasiiiiiiillll!!

perfect woman

Yes you are both technically correct, it does not offer a cast iron analogy of the offside rule, I am sorry. It was simply a humerous spin on the off side I pulled off the internet.

Just in case there is any further confusion and to avoid any possible insinuation that it isnt accurate, here is the official Laws Of The Game document from Fifa which has a Flash Based demonstration of Chapter 11, the Offside Law:

http://www.fifa.com/worldfootball/lawsofthegame.html

The document is a bit bigger at 140 pages but will give you the complete description you are seeking.

Perhaps to attract more woman to watching football the game needs to revert back to tighter shorts, when ball watching had a completely different meaning....