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Old 26.02.2015, 09:35
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Bed arrangements with GrandPs

Do you think it is "normal" (whatever normal may be), that grand parents let grandkids share their/his/her bed? Add to the equation a step grandfather who is of no blood relation.
To me it is over the line of what I consider acceptable, or is it perfectly normal in some cultures? Personally I would not want my kids sleeping in their grand parents bed.
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Old 26.02.2015, 09:40
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

Could be gender specific.

My daughters, in the past, have slept in the same bed as their grandmother.

Therefore, IMO, female gender represents no real problem, whereas the male, non-blood relative, to which you're intimating, may be a bit more iffy.

Biology also could come into it ......... many males can have desires until they drop of old age, compared to women, who need HRT after the menopause.
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Old 26.02.2015, 09:43
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

How old is the kid?

Tom
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Old 26.02.2015, 09:52
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

2 different cases in mind, both 6 & 7 year old girls.
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Old 26.02.2015, 09:53
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

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2 different cases in mind, both 6 & 7 year old girls.
Does it bother you?
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Old 26.02.2015, 09:55
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

It ought to be the step-grandfather saying it is inappropriate. Is he?
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Old 26.02.2015, 09:58
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

I don`t think it is a "culture" thing, just a not-done thing?


A step-grandparent sharing a bed with grandchildren is somehow just not acceptable, imo.
And also not fair on the step parent
Everyone sleeps in their own bed, on their own, and then there can be no problems.
A different story is a granny taking a grand-child into her bed if the little one has an illness, can`t sleep, nightmare, that type of thing. But not with a step-grandpa in the same bed ... no no.
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Old 26.02.2015, 13:08
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

My step father is a father to me and the grand father of my kids. The blood connection is totally irrelevant in these cases.

I guess it goes down to the relation OP has with the step father.
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Old 26.02.2015, 13:16
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

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I don`t think it is a "culture" thing, just a not-done thing?


A step-grandparent sharing a bed with grandchildren is somehow just not acceptable, imo.
And also not fair on the step parent
Everyone sleeps in their own bed, on their own, and then there can be no problems.
A different story is a granny taking a grand-child into her bed if the little one has an illness, can`t sleep, nightmare, that type of thing. But not with a step-grandpa in the same bed ... no no.

OF COURSE it's a cultural thing. Different cultures have all kinds of sleeping arrangements you or I might not be used to.

As far as I'm concerned, this is quite obviously something that has to be looked on a case by case basis. If everyone involved feels ok with it, then it's ok.

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Personally I would not want my kids sleeping in their grand parents bed.
Ok, then don't let them sleep in their grandparent's bed.
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Old 26.02.2015, 13:21
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

Was Michael Jackson ever a grandparent ?

If you don't like it, say so and make alternative arrangements. Assert yourself as it is you who has to live with the consequenses, imaginary or not
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Old 26.02.2015, 13:57
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

The highest risk age, from what I remember, for child abuse, is age 4-9. When they are too young to really understand and are least likely to complain/report the situation.

I cannot imagine any of my children's grandparents encouraging the grandkids to sleep overnight in their bed. My kids used to do a lot of sleep-overs with their grandparents, and they normally would have their own separate arrangement - when they were very tiny, on the floor of the grandparent's bedroom, although the grandparents soon worked out that little kids make a lot of noise at night, so they moved the 'floor bed' to the next room.

None of our kids were ever in cots, so the floor bed and bed-sharing arrangement is pretty normal.

When awake, the kids would usually make 'breakfast-in-bed' and sit with their grandpa and 'read the newspaper' in the morning...

Actually, sleeping overnight may give an 'opportunity' for child abuse - for that is what we are actually saying here, is it not - as inappropriate behaviour - do not be fooled, kids can be abused any time of day or night, so the 'lack of social limits' may be more of an issue than the actual logistics.

And yes, step-fathers, fathers, and step-grandfathers as well as other non-related male relatives, are the highest risk perpetrators, statistically speaking...

On the other hand, from a cultural point of view, bed-sharing may seem perfectly normal (but then again, in some cultures what we would consider abusive could also be 'normal')... and the 'logic' for the grandparent may be that having the child close means they won't go wandering at night without the grandparent knowing about it.

But no, as I said before, we do a lot of bed-sharing with our children over time, but could not imagine the grandparents thinking it normal or necessary to bed-share with the grandkids- although these days we often travel together and one of the kids may be in the same room as the grandparents as there are three kids and logistically it makes sense, but the kids always have their own bed and if there are not enough beds, we use the extra bedding and make them a 'floor bed'...
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Old 26.02.2015, 15:31
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

It's a harsh society these days, where you're assumed to be an abuser if you're male.

FWIW, I'm not sure a 7 year old girl would feel comfortable sleeping with a grandparent, especially one they weren't seeing on a very regular basis. I'd take your cue from that.
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Old 26.02.2015, 15:35
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

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It's a harsh society these days, where you're assumed to be an abuser if you're an older male with no blood relation to the child.

FWIW, I'm not sure a 7 year old would feel comfortable sleeping with a grandparent, especially one they weren't seeing on a very regular basis. I'd take your cue from that.
I think that should be added for clarification.

The OPs question is completely without context - for all we know the family could be from Alabama.
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Old 26.02.2015, 15:44
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

This is a very sensitive subject. If you are not happy with them sleeping in one bed, you could change it without insulting anyone by being a bit diplomatic, such as "I am sure grandpa is not comfortable in a crowded bed" or "he needs his sleep" or "he goes to bed later/rises ealier than you"etc.

My kids loved to sleep in my mom's double bed after my dad had passed away, but I can not remember them sleeping in one bed while he was still alive, even though they loved him dearly and he loved them just as much.
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Old 26.02.2015, 15:52
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

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I think that should be added for clarification.
Not really. If you are an abuser, then I'd guess bloodline doesn't really matter.

We're not talking a random bloke on the street, we are talking about a grandparent by marriage.

I can't give an answer to OP. I think it very much depends how close the family are and how comfortable the grandparents, parents and the children are with the sleeping arrangements. I was just commenting that it's a little harsh to start by assuming the grandfather is an abuser.
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Old 26.02.2015, 15:57
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

What a really odd question to ask on a forum.


If you're not OK with it then tell the grandparents. Simple, no?
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Old 26.02.2015, 16:01
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

What do you tell your 5 year old who wants a sleep over grannies?
"Remember to sleep in you own room at all times, grandma or grandpa might touch your lady if you go in their bed"

I wouldn't / don't encourage co-sleeping but more for reasons of comfort. NOT because I think my father in law has a stiffy and wants to abuse them.

Is bathing them ok / worse / better?
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Old 26.02.2015, 16:02
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

- "Just remember kids: grandpa Rolf isn't step-grandpa Jimmy"
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Old 26.02.2015, 16:46
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

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What a really odd question to ask on a forum.
If you're not OK with it then tell the grandparents. Simple, no?
Where should such a question be asked then? Maybe lots of grand parents would say it is normal in their lifestyle & it's just me that considers it odd. And no, nothing is simple in some families. The parental/grand parent role line can be complicated.

My question comes from a discussion I had with someone yesterday. 2 separate families so I was thinking maybe it is common yet not something I have been confronted with. You see programs like Super Nanny where parents can't even get their kids to sleep in their beds so maybe some grand parents have the same incapacity in dealing with the little princesses/kings?

"It ought to be the step-grandfather saying it is inappropriate. Is he? "
No, he acts as though the kids are his to the exclusion of the parents.
I agree with what Mirfield says "It's a harsh society these days, where you're assumed to be an abuser if you're male." The grand parent complained when the kids were younger about having to take them in the toilet, change nappies etc as facilities are often geared more towards female child care.
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Old 26.02.2015, 18:16
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Re: Bed arrangements with GrandPs

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We're not talking a random bloke on the street, we are talking about a grandparent by marriage.
Although abuse by relatives is far, far more common than abuse by some random man in the street.

That was why I asked whether the man thinks it's appropriate. Or is he encouraging them into his bed, or insisting on it or giving the girls no option but to sleep in his bed.

As some one else said, it's context.
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