Go Back   English Forum Switzerland > Off-Topic > Off-Topic > General off-topic
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 29.04.2015, 21:12
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Zurich
Posts: 109
Groaned at 3 Times in 3 Posts
Thanked 148 Times in 55 Posts
keksli is considered knowledgeablekeksli is considered knowledgeablekeksli is considered knowledgeable
Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

About four years ago, I had a casual thing with this guy. We were both single, so no problems there. He 'ended' it after two years, since he was going to the USA for half a year, which was fine by me. After that no more contact.

A month or two after he had returned, he suddenly texted me, asking if I wanted to see him. I told him no, since I had met a guy I was seriously interested in. He kept asking and I repeatedly told him I was not interested. After a while, the 'new' guy and I became a couple (still are) and I told him so. He wished me well and stopped texting.

Then several months later, he had the nerve to text me, explicitly asking if I wanted to have an affair with him! I wrote back telling him I was perfectly happy. After that, he kept texting and dropping rude remarks about my boyfriend and actually asking me what kind of 'sexual activities' we have going! WTF! I obviously told him it was none of his business and that I wanted to have nothing more to do with him. I explicitly wrote "stop contacting me", so little chance he didn't understand me.
He actually did stop for a while, only texting me every few months "hey how are you, haven't heard from you". I ignored his texts and blocked him from whatsapp.

Lately he has been contacting me more frequently. Since I blocked him from whatsapp, he decided to pm me on facebook (we are not facebook friends), which I also ignored. Then he went back to good old texts/SMS (since I can't block him there) and keeps writing "it's a shame you won't answer, we had such a good time blabla" or trying to guilt-trip me into answering "you could at least text and say if you're ok blabla". As if I were obliged to answer?!

So: I don't know what to do anymore. I can't go to the police, because this doesn't count as stalking, since he is not anywhere near me. But it's making me angry and also uneasy. It's creepy because he won't stop bothering me after TWO years and I don't know how far he will go.
I don't think texting him '"leave me alone" would be effective. I fear it will simply encourage him to bother me more, since he knows I still use the same mobile number. Do you have any advice for me?

Thank you!

Last edited by keksli; 29.04.2015 at 21:13. Reason: spelling mistakes
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 29.04.2015, 21:16
FuriousRose's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: nearby the lake
Posts: 848
Groaned at 21 Times in 17 Posts
Thanked 888 Times in 423 Posts
FuriousRose has a reputation beyond reputeFuriousRose has a reputation beyond reputeFuriousRose has a reputation beyond reputeFuriousRose has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

Ehm change your number may work
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 29.04.2015, 21:28
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Zurich
Posts: 109
Groaned at 3 Times in 3 Posts
Thanked 148 Times in 55 Posts
keksli is considered knowledgeablekeksli is considered knowledgeablekeksli is considered knowledgeable
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

Well yeah, obviously
But that won't actually 'stop' him. He'll probably keep texting on that number and think I'm ignoring him (which I am duh). I'm scared it will infuriate him and he will actually start stalking me
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 29.04.2015, 21:32
Sean Connery's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Zurich
Posts: 4,924
Groaned at 75 Times in 70 Posts
Thanked 6,395 Times in 2,931 Posts
Sean Connery has a reputation beyond reputeSean Connery has a reputation beyond reputeSean Connery has a reputation beyond reputeSean Connery has a reputation beyond reputeSean Connery has a reputation beyond reputeSean Connery has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

friend him on facebook then publish pictures of his behaviour on his timeline.

sorted.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 29.04.2015, 21:38
st2lemans's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Lugano
Posts: 18,096
Groaned at 924 Times in 720 Posts
Thanked 19,633 Times in 9,447 Posts
st2lemans has a reputation beyond reputest2lemans has a reputation beyond reputest2lemans has a reputation beyond reputest2lemans has a reputation beyond reputest2lemans has a reputation beyond reputest2lemans has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

Quote:
View Post
friend him on facebook then publish pictures of his behaviour on his timeline.
This.

Tom
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 29.04.2015, 23:00
Hausamsee's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Zurich
Posts: 305
Groaned at 70 Times in 37 Posts
Thanked 366 Times in 170 Posts
Hausamsee has earned the respect of manyHausamsee has earned the respect of manyHausamsee has earned the respect of many
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

Quote:
View Post
friend him on facebook then publish pictures of his behaviour on his timeline.

sorted.
This IMO is the worst thing you could do for obvious reasons as he sounds like a proper nutter and you never know how he might have changed since you were with him, addicted to drugs, on prescription with side effects, alcoholic, just turned plain mad, etc.

Tell him you have informed your lawyer and have registered with your lawyer all correspondence, if he contacts you again, whether you answer or not, you will request your lawyer to file a police complaint based on previous and his last communication.

I would say that the part you mentioned about him asking what you do with your boyfriend could anyway be classed as harassment. Whatever you do, don't underestimate a stalker and when he has left you alone for 3 months like a post here mentions, change your number.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01.05.2015, 12:43
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Ostschweiz
Posts: 3,026
Groaned at 99 Times in 79 Posts
Thanked 3,747 Times in 1,937 Posts
Urs Max has a reputation beyond reputeUrs Max has a reputation beyond reputeUrs Max has a reputation beyond reputeUrs Max has a reputation beyond reputeUrs Max has a reputation beyond reputeUrs Max has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

Quote:
View Post
He'll probably keep texting on that number and think I'm ignoring him (which I am duh). I'm scared it will infuriate him and he will actually start stalking me
There's a very slim chance of him being a stalker. Other than that, why would you even care what he thinks...
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01.05.2015, 12:59
Medea Fleecestealer's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Misery-Courtion
Posts: 13,499
Groaned at 169 Times in 134 Posts
Thanked 9,631 Times in 5,503 Posts
Medea Fleecestealer has a reputation beyond reputeMedea Fleecestealer has a reputation beyond reputeMedea Fleecestealer has a reputation beyond reputeMedea Fleecestealer has a reputation beyond reputeMedea Fleecestealer has a reputation beyond reputeMedea Fleecestealer has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

This is defintely harassment and could fall under the definition of stalking as well. He doesn't have to be near you to be a stalker.

"Although stalking is illegal in most areas of the world, some of the actions that can contribute to stalking can be legal, such as gathering information, calling someone on the phone, sending gifts, emailing or instant messaging. They become illegal when they breach the legal definition of harassment e.g. an action such as sending a text is not usually illegal, but is illegal when frequently repeated to an unwilling recipient. In fact, United Kingdom law states the incident only has to happen twice when the stalker should be aware their behavior is unacceptable e.g. two phone calls to a stranger, two gifts following the victim then phoning them etc.[6]"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking

Report him to the police.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 01.05.2015, 13:16
grumpygrapefruit's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Mostly Zurich
Posts: 5,042
Groaned at 29 Times in 28 Posts
Thanked 12,318 Times in 3,165 Posts
grumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

Have you told your current BF? I would get your boyfriend to call him and tell him in no uncertain terms to leave you alone. And is he back here in CH? If so, your BF should also tell him that if he contacts you again you will report him to the police.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 01.05.2015, 13:26
jesuisuntouriste's Avatar
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Genève
Posts: 240
Groaned at 7 Times in 6 Posts
Thanked 207 Times in 91 Posts
jesuisuntouriste has earned some respectjesuisuntouriste has earned some respect
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

If you are using an iPhone, you can definitely block a number-calls' messages, facetime, etc.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 01.05.2015, 13:39
Newbie 1st class
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Zurich
Posts: 26
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 11 Times in 7 Posts
portuguese has no particular reputation at present
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

I would second the route where your boyfriend calls him - and for the following couple of days you shouldn't be home alone (assuming this guy knows where you live). If you/he don't want to go down that route, I would threaten legal action.
There's no win in this situation and him texting and you ignoring some times and replying others probably doesn't help (in no way implying it's your fault, just saying he gets hopeful that if he nags enough you reply).
Getting a third party to settle this would be the best. Next time, either your boyfriend or your lawyer contact him. A lawyer also has the benefit that it is recorded and impartial.
It's a tough one, best of luck!
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 01.05.2015, 13:43
AbFab's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Zürich
Posts: 6,504
Groaned at 304 Times in 201 Posts
Thanked 8,082 Times in 2,889 Posts
AbFab has a reputation beyond reputeAbFab has a reputation beyond reputeAbFab has a reputation beyond reputeAbFab has a reputation beyond reputeAbFab has a reputation beyond reputeAbFab has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

Why did you ever reply??

Delete all messages, delete new ones as the come in without reading them and block him and his number everywhere...
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 03.05.2015, 01:07
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Zurich
Posts: 109
Groaned at 3 Times in 3 Posts
Thanked 148 Times in 55 Posts
keksli is considered knowledgeablekeksli is considered knowledgeablekeksli is considered knowledgeable
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

Thank you for your replies. My boyfriend has offered to call him if he texts again, but I will try to avoid this, because I don't want him to get involved.
I'm getting a new phone soon anyway and changing my number.

Quote:
View Post
There's no win in this situation and him texting and you ignoring some times and replying others probably doesn't help (in no way implying it's your fault, just saying he gets hopeful that if he nags enough you reply).
Actually the only time I replied was when I told him to stop contacting me, which was a year ago. Since then nothing from me, which is why I don't get why he won't stop texting

But if he texts in the meantime (before I get a new number) I will indeed threaten to go to the police.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 03.05.2015, 01:38
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: CH
Posts: 5,104
Groaned at 188 Times in 147 Posts
Thanked 6,066 Times in 3,279 Posts
greenmount has a reputation beyond reputegreenmount has a reputation beyond reputegreenmount has a reputation beyond reputegreenmount has a reputation beyond reputegreenmount has a reputation beyond reputegreenmount has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

Quote:
View Post
Thank you for your replies. My boyfriend has offered to call him if he texts again, but I will try to avoid this, because I don't want him to get involved.
I'm getting a new phone soon anyway and changing my number.



Actually the only time I replied was when I told him to stop contacting me, which was a year ago. Since then nothing from me, which is why I don't get why he won't stop texting

But if he texts in the meantime (before I get a new number) I will indeed threaten to go to the police.
Tell him you're heavily pregnant (with triplets) and getting married. That should put him off?

(what a creep)
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 03.05.2015, 01:59
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: ZH
Posts: 1,466
Groaned at 7 Times in 7 Posts
Thanked 2,227 Times in 823 Posts
doropfiz has a reputation beyond reputedoropfiz has a reputation beyond reputedoropfiz has a reputation beyond reputedoropfiz has a reputation beyond reputedoropfiz has a reputation beyond reputedoropfiz has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

Here (in German) http://www.google.ch/url?sa=t&rct=j&...92291466,d.d2s
is a Swiss government pamphlet about stalking, what it is, and is not, and the law.
In Switzerland, stalking is not a defined crime, though some of the elements can, each in their own write, be illegal.

The police advice NOT deleting any of the evidence (all those sms, calls, etc.) but, on the contrary, collecting it all.

Neither you nor your partner should THREATEN Mr Unwanted that you will go to the police. Just do it. You are free to go to the police, and you would not be laying a charge, at least at first, because, in Switzerland, there is no charge of stalking.


DO report it to the police, in writing (on paper, snailmail). Report what has happened up till now, with all the dates, and copies of all the texts he wrote, and espcially yours, in which you told him to leave you alone and not to contact you again. Also the dates on which you blocked each communication channel (Facebook unfriend, etc.). The police will, at first, do nothing except take note of your report. Each time something further arrives from him, by whatever means, write another letter to the police, reporting that new sms, etc.

One of the things you can do is, yes, ask your partner to call him and tell him that YOU (not partner) do not want any more contact from him.
He should just something along the following lines: "I'm calling because I know Keksli, and she told me she is unhappy because she has told you she does not want you to contact her, but you have continued to do so. I want you to know that she does not want to hear from you. Not by calls, sms, Facebook, letter, phonecall nor by any other means. There is no doubt about this. Keksli knows that I am calling you to say: do not contact her again."

I recommend asking your partner ONLY if you can trust him to remain completely calm, not to raise his voice, not to say anything angry, insulting or possessive, not to swear, to be provocative, and not to so much as whisper or imply any threat at all. He should simply listen to whatever Mr Unwanted then says, and keep listening to the whole thing, and not hang up, until Mr Unwanted has finished speaking. Then, the partner should write all that down as a statement for the police: "On date I called Mr Unwanted, and told him... whereupon he said..."
You can then send that to the police, with a covering letter that you hope this will now settle and end the matter, but that you are very concerned, and if you hear anything further from Mr Unwanted, you will report it to the police, again.

If you partner cannot be trusted to remain calm in doing this, I'd suggest you ask another man. A sympathetic work colleague, a trusted friend, your brother or father, but definitely someone who will not flip out but just deliver the message calmly, and then document the response.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 03.05.2015, 08:47
Hausamsee's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Zurich
Posts: 305
Groaned at 70 Times in 37 Posts
Thanked 366 Times in 170 Posts
Hausamsee has earned the respect of manyHausamsee has earned the respect of manyHausamsee has earned the respect of many
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

Quote:
View Post
Thank you for your replies. My boyfriend has offered to call him if he texts again, but I will try to avoid this, because I don't want him to get involved.
I'm getting a new phone soon anyway and changing my number.



Actually the only time I replied was when I told him to stop contacting me, which was a year ago. Since then nothing from me, which is why I don't get why he won't stop texting

But if he texts in the meantime (before I get a new number) I will indeed threaten to go to the police.
Exactly the reason why it is stupid advice for your boYfriend to call him, it gives him an insight also into your private life, something you don't want this guy.to have. Its not your boyfriends problem.

Just send a letter to the police.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 03.05.2015, 12:44
gata's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Geneva
Posts: 3,510
Groaned at 72 Times in 52 Posts
Thanked 3,129 Times in 1,484 Posts
gata has a reputation beyond reputegata has a reputation beyond reputegata has a reputation beyond reputegata has a reputation beyond reputegata has a reputation beyond reputegata has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

Quote:
View Post
Thank you for your replies. My boyfriend has offered to call him if he texts again, but I will try to avoid this, because I don't want him to get involved.
I'm getting a new phone soon anyway and changing my number.



Actually the only time I replied was when I told him to stop contacting me, which was a year ago. Since then nothing from me, which is why I don't get why he won't stop texting

But if he texts in the meantime (before I get a new number) I will indeed threaten to go to the police.

No! Dont reply. He will get a reaction from you and that is what he wants. Dont ask your bf to call him either. Also a reaction. You will change your number and the creep wont know it so everything will stop. How long will it be before you get a new number?
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 03.05.2015, 12:47
adrianlondon's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Basel
Posts: 8,797
Groaned at 189 Times in 172 Posts
Thanked 24,226 Times in 6,525 Posts
adrianlondon has a reputation beyond reputeadrianlondon has a reputation beyond reputeadrianlondon has a reputation beyond reputeadrianlondon has a reputation beyond reputeadrianlondon has a reputation beyond reputeadrianlondon has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

Quote:
View Post
Why did you ever reply??

Delete all messages, delete new ones as the come in without reading them and block him and his number everywhere...
Can't give thanks, can't give AbFab more rep (yet) but ... this.

Ignore him. You shouldn't have replied, and you shouldn't reply any more, to anything. No bringing your personal life (i.e. your boyfriend) into it either. Nor the police, not at this stage anyway, unless it escalates or doesn't stop soon.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 03.05.2015, 13:21
swisspea's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: From one side of lake Zurich to the other...
Posts: 5,505
Groaned at 33 Times in 22 Posts
Thanked 5,031 Times in 2,431 Posts
swisspea has a reputation beyond reputeswisspea has a reputation beyond reputeswisspea has a reputation beyond reputeswisspea has a reputation beyond reputeswisspea has a reputation beyond reputeswisspea has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

My advice would be to very once, very clearly, instruct him to not contact you. Make it clear that you consider it stalking, and that any further contact will mean that you take the issue to the police.

regardless of whether he is physically 'present' or not. It is stalking. He is making unwanted contact with you, you have the right to tell him to leave you alone.

What you did not do (clearly) up-front is to make it clear that you do not wish to have any further contact. It is possible to do that now...

And as for the 'oh, I will change my phone number soon' excuse, I am finding that fairly pathetic - It takes about 15 minutes to walk into a phone shop, get a new phone and change your number.

And you can go to the police, it does count as stalking.

"(Name). I have receieved repeated unwanted messages from you. Please do not contact me at all after this final message. I do not wish to have any further contact with you. Any further contact will be considered stalking and I will take this matter to the police. " date. name.

full stop. End of story. Change phone number.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 03.05.2015, 14:35
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Zurich
Posts: 109
Groaned at 3 Times in 3 Posts
Thanked 148 Times in 55 Posts
keksli is considered knowledgeablekeksli is considered knowledgeablekeksli is considered knowledgeable
Re: Need advice - guy keeps bothering me

Quote:
View Post
And as for the 'oh, I will change my phone number soon' excuse, I am finding that fairly pathetic - It takes about 15 minutes to walk into a phone shop, get a new phone and change your number.
I have a phone contract running, so I cannot change my number in an instant, unless I am willing to pay a few hundred francs on top, which I cannot afford at the moment.

______________________________

@doropfiz: Thank you for the link. Good to know that I can go to the police even though he's not near me.

@Hausamsee: Yes I agree that it's not my boyfriend's problem, which is why I don't want him to get involved.

And to those saying I should never have replied or I should stop replying:
I stated that I replied twice: (1) when he asked me if I wanted an affair and I said no and (2) when I told him to stop contacting me. This was all one year ago. Since the (2) text, I have never replied.

Last edited by keksli; 03.05.2015 at 14:47.
Reply With Quote
Reply




Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Help me with this!! Fall for a Swiss guy Ilovelife Daily life 69 06.12.2013 11:33
Help me :( [need advice how to get more inhouse training on new responsibilities] Salisuster Complaints corner 17 29.04.2013 22:07
Inexpensive IT guy for Zurich to teach me maplesyrup Jobs offered 5 27.08.2012 21:04
Drunk guy almost made me miss an appointment! Angela-74 Complaints corner 57 11.05.2010 15:47
Greeting postcards for a lazy guy like me foreverstudent Business & entrepreneur 11 06.12.2007 13:37


All times are GMT +2. The time now is 22:43.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0