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  #61  
Old 23.09.2015, 22:34
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

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...leaving you single and alone, yet again. But hey, at least you have those sweet, sweet comforting beers in the fridge right?
There are plenty of women out there who don't mind drinking themselves.

Drink has never been a topic in any of my relationships, at least not in a negative way.

The night I first met my OH we got hopelessly drunk together. And we're still together coming on for 15 years later.
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Old 23.09.2015, 22:37
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

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My 5 rappen: Anybody who asks their partner to "choose between me and ___" is on a power trip and best avoided. It doesn't matter what's in the blank, good bad or indifferent. That particular ultimatum is the sign of somebody who needs to exert control.

If something (drinking or smoking or whatever else) is really that much of a deal-breaker for you, the decent thing to do is cut the person loose and go find someone else whose ideas are more closely aligned with yours. You do not get to run another adult's life that way, and no secure, confident adult will let you. Manliness vs womanliness doesn't come into it.
You obviously haven't been there. When your partner drinks too much. Cant go to the pub for "just a couple of pints" without coming home piss drunk 3 in the morning, every single time - including weeknights. Weekends ruined due to hangovers. Dinners awkward due to him getting drunk to quickly. Him getting fat off beer and doing zero exercise (he was so fit when they met). Chances given, time and time again. In the end, all thats left is that ultimatum.

It has nothing to do with a power trip. When alcohol becomes a problem in a relationship on that level, its absolutely horrible for the partner who can control their drinking and just wishes their partner were like everyone else, who seem to drink with style and moderation and not becoming a drunk idiot every single time a bar is present.
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  #63  
Old 23.09.2015, 22:47
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

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There are plenty of women out there who don't mind drinking themselves.

Drink has never been a topic in any of my relationships, at least not in a negative way.

The night I first met my OH we got hopelessly drunk together. And we're still together coming on for 15 years later.
Good for you - you just just stopped by real quick to let everyone know that?

Believe me, I would not desire a woman who was on my level of drinking at its worse. Were not talking about sharing cheeky bottle of wine on a Tuesday night, were talking getting piss blackout drunk that Tuesday night and calling in sick the next day. Sounds like girlfriend material to you? Maybe it does. But hey, I don't judge. But last thing I would want is a heavy drinker for a girlfriend, thats for sure.
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Old 23.09.2015, 23:31
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

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You obviously haven't been there. When your partner drinks too much. Cant go to the pub for "just a couple of pints" without coming home piss drunk 3 in the morning, every single time - including weeknights. Weekends ruined due to hangovers. Dinners awkward due to him getting drunk to quickly. Him getting fat off beer and doing zero exercise (he was so fit when they met). Chances given, time and time again. In the end, all thats left is that ultimatum.

It has nothing to do with a power trip. When alcohol becomes a problem in a relationship on that level, its absolutely horrible for the partner who can control their drinking and just wishes their partner were like everyone else, who seem to drink with style and moderation and not becoming a drunk idiot every single time a bar is present.
I don't agree that in the end, all that's left is the ultimatum. Yes, I do know how it is to live close to someone with a very serious drinking problem. It was awful.


Even so, in that situation, and for the same terrible, life-destroying reasons that alcohol can make life or a partnership, as you say, "absolutely horrible", an ultimatum would have achieved.... zero.


Telling that particular friend "you better drink less or else... " would not have made him want to change, not would it have made him more able to do so. He genuinely could not or would not drink less. I cannot make someone want to drink less (if he were to want to want that), nor can I enable him to be able to drink less. And most certainly not with an ultimatum. That would just have left him angry, frustrated, depressed, and in need of a drink.
And neither he nor I nor our friendship would have been any better off.


So, I had to shift the focus away from what HE was doing or neglecting to do, towards what I ought to be doing, wanted to do, could muster the energy or power to do, etc. and get to the point of accepting that I am responsible for my own choices and actions, not for his. Only then, from that changed perspective, could I choose to do what made most sense for me.
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  #65  
Old 24.09.2015, 04:01
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

Don't know about giving up all substances, alcohol, for me, is the hardest to give up, even though it's done the most to ruin my life.

Acid would take me places i'd never been, speed almost killed me, coke makes me talk shit, dope is my favourite but makes me paranoid, but only because people think the worst of it.

Alcohol is the most accepted drug of our time, but it turns me into an arsehole, i've never regretted more the things i've done drunk than maybe almost accidentally killing myself high on speed.

Alcohol is universally accepted here in the west, people who avoid it are totally boring, there will be people in this thread who will react to that comment and prove it true. That is what will make it the hardest to give up.

I'm not sure we as humans can exist without letting go sometimes, I think sometimes, you just have to get out of your own head, but learn that moderation isn't such a bad thing. Abstinence, however, is pretty much laughed at except for nuns and monks.
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  #66  
Old 24.09.2015, 08:50
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

Trappist monks brew beer.
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  #67  
Old 24.09.2015, 09:00
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

I drink a bottle or so of beer everyday, and looking back, I think I probably have done for most of my adult life. I think that I probably read or heard somewhere, that a medical study determined that a small amount may be beneficial to longevity (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it). Probably subsequent studies will have completely countered this, but who cares.

Alcohol - and all substance use, is just a case of having the intelligence and strength of mind to assess reward vs. risk in each given situation. Moderation works, excess results in disaster. Realising this may help in life's experiences.

Likewise, I've had some of my worst moments, when I've ignored my own philosophy, and over-indulged - mainly alcohol .... the most socially accepted and potentially ruining one of them all.
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  #68  
Old 24.09.2015, 09:33
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

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AA insists that before you can get better you must accept the existence of a higher being, i.e. a god of some sort. It's a bit like the freemasons in that regard and should therefore be treated with the same distrust and suspicion, IMO
At least you dont need to sign a billion year contract. You just know those poor souls are getting royaly screwed when the guy welcoming them is a snake oil salesman hollywood movie star.

Still, if you are going to loose your soul for a billion years this is the place to do it. Nice eh?
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  #69  
Old 24.09.2015, 09:49
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

What happened to DOG?
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Old 24.09.2015, 09:55
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

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No, we talking about you making absolute ultimata to somebody who is, ostensibly, your equal: a sentient, independent human being who is perfectly capable of making his own decisions.

You said yourself you like to "keep him on a short leash".

Sounds like you're just interest in controlling him. The beer is just a vehicle for your power trip.
My feeling is that Izabela believes she can save her boyfriend from himself, so to speak. I don't think it's a power trip, at least not in the sense that you're attributing to "power".
Many women think they're responsible for their partners, friends, parents etc etc. Truth is - you can't save anyone without them wanting to be "saved".
My mother has diabetes type II and now that she has plenty of time on her hands she's frenetically baking cookies and stuff every single day...for whoever might show up at my parents' of course. No discussion proved to be effective so far so...each to their own I guess.
I think that caring too much is as bad as not caring at all. Or even worse.

Last edited by greenmount; 24.09.2015 at 10:09.
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  #71  
Old 24.09.2015, 10:44
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

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What happened to DOG?
He saw his name in a mirror and developed delusions of grandeur, probably believing that abstinence will lead to immortality.
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  #72  
Old 24.09.2015, 10:51
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

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What happened to DOG?
Ah yes. Well if you read the OP carefully, he did not say he had actually stopped. He talked about trying again and deciding to stop. Not exactly the same thing as stopping. I guess he felt unworthy to receive all the congratulatory messages here and has left us (at least in his 'DOG' incarnation).
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  #73  
Old 24.09.2015, 11:01
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

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You said yourself you like to "keep him on a short leash".

Sounds like you're just interest in controlling him.
Friday nights only? Sounds like 50 shades, this could be an interesting angle to pursue!
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  #74  
Old 24.09.2015, 11:02
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

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Ah yes. Well if you read the OP carefully, he did not say he had actually stopped. He talked about trying again
The "trying again" was in reference to an earlier post in a different forum area which had garnered zero replies.
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Old 24.09.2015, 11:08
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

I think the important thing to remember when giving anything up, whether it's alcohol or anything else, is that there is no "want to" or "try to". You just do it. Now. Immediately. Not tomorrow, or next week or after the holidays.

And if you accidentally have a drink or a smoke or a wrap or whatever, then just put it down to experience and don't have another. Don't bother counting the days - "I've been dry since July 14th 1972!" - because it will just compound your misery if you do slip and make you wonder why you bothered at all. I have no idea when I stopped drinking, apart from it being sometime in the spring of last year. I could probably work it out with a calendar and old health insurance bills but there's no point. I'm not drinking today, and that's the important thing.

Live in the present. Accept that drinking is something other people do, like S&M or golf or crochet. And just order something else when you get the drinks menu.

Simple. Not necessarily pleasant. But certainly simple.
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  #76  
Old 24.09.2015, 11:09
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

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I don't agree that in the end, all that's left is the ultimatum. Yes, I do know how it is to live close to someone with a very serious drinking problem. It was awful.

(text)
I think it very much differs on the type of relationship. I feel its like this:

Family member: You're stuck with them for life. Try and help them and hope they want to help themselves, but there can be no ultimatum. You can't break up with a mother/brother/etc.

Friend: Just accept (like you did) that they are in charge of their life. You've expressed concerns as a good friend, many times, but thats pretty much all you can do. Also here there is no ultimatum, however I have found myself to distance myself from those who are overly self destructive, partly because it would enable my own abuse but also because i can't bear watching it. The closer the friend, the more they move to family member status though.

Partner: This is different. You love that person but there is only so much you can take on a daily basis. What if your partner suddenly decided to take a huge shit on the kitchen floor, every day. Would you let them "live their life as they see fit" or would you object, and in the end tell them you're out of there if this doesn't stop? Love can happen and it can un-happen. I had a girlfriend who would get embarrassingly drunk every single time we went out in uni and i could totally feel my emotions drop with time. Its just not what you signed up for! So here, an ultimatum might be appropriate to jolt them out of this destructive behaviour, if not else to protect your own sanity.

Its complicated though and every situation is different.
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  #77  
Old 24.09.2015, 11:18
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

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I'm not sure we as humans can exist without letting go sometimes, I think sometimes, you just have to get out of your own head, but learn that moderation isn't such a bad thing. Abstinence, however, is pretty much laughed at except for nuns and monks.
Pass the ceremonial pipe, friend.
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Old 24.09.2015, 11:20
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

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...dope is my favourite but makes me paranoid, but only because people think the worst of it...
That's what they want you to think.

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...Abstinence, however, is pretty much laughed at except for nuns and monks.
Bollocks. As I've got older I've encountered more and more people who just don't drink alcohol. Not for religious nor for "alcoholic" reasons. They're just not interested. When out with a mixed group of drinkers and non-drinkers, I can assure that any laugther is reserved for the antics of the drinkers. Drinkers like non-drinkers - they keep you from doing anything too stupid and drive you home.

You really need to broaden your horizons.

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Old 24.09.2015, 11:28
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore

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It has nothing to do with a power trip.
Of course it is. Wanting to control someone else's behaviour, delivering threats and ultimata - they're all signs of someone on a power trip.

You can't change other people's behaviour - you can only change your own. Trying to change someone else's behaviour - especially in a close relationship - will surely result in resentment and, more often than not, failure.
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Old 24.09.2015, 11:51
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Re: Would like to talk to others who don't drink anymore



http://randommization.com/2013/09/12...get-hilarious/
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