Go Back   English Forum Switzerland > Off-Topic > Off-Topic > Jokes/funnies
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #601  
Old 23.03.2009, 17:19
TheSpouse's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lausanne
Posts: 1,381
Groaned at 20 Times in 14 Posts
Thanked 2,179 Times in 706 Posts
TheSpouse has a reputation beyond reputeTheSpouse has a reputation beyond reputeTheSpouse has a reputation beyond reputeTheSpouse has a reputation beyond reputeTheSpouse has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Heaven is Where:The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Reply With Quote
  #602  
Old 24.03.2009, 17:15
PaddyG's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Pensier, Fribourg
Posts: 8,284
Groaned at 107 Times in 91 Posts
Thanked 14,178 Times in 5,014 Posts
PaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Footy-related joke:
Apparently, Andrea Dossena has a future career as a magician once he retires from football. When he scores a goal, he makes 70000 ManU fans disappear.
Reply With Quote
  #603  
Old 24.03.2009, 18:51
Rob's Avatar
Rob Rob is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Baden AG
Posts: 392
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 358 Times in 181 Posts
Rob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of many
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Man wrongly jailed for 27 years walks free and is hit by a taxi.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...-hit-taxi.html

Someday your luck will change. Poor guy.
Reply With Quote
  #604  
Old 24.03.2009, 19:06
Uncle GroOve's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Mendrisio
Posts: 1,064
Groaned at 7 Times in 5 Posts
Thanked 715 Times in 374 Posts
Uncle GroOve has a reputation beyond reputeUncle GroOve has a reputation beyond reputeUncle GroOve has a reputation beyond reputeUncle GroOve has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Apparently when Alan Greenspan called in his resignation one financial reporter asked him the reason why...
'Ole Greenies, being fond of obfuscative language, just replied

I'm Fed Up







I'm still trying to figger what he meant

Paul
Reply With Quote
  #605  
Old 25.03.2009, 10:24
PaddyG's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Pensier, Fribourg
Posts: 8,284
Groaned at 107 Times in 91 Posts
Thanked 14,178 Times in 5,014 Posts
PaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress,
walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right
arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed
to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore
her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed
drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and
bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman
chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again
pointed around at all of them, revealing the same
hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a
lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his
money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina
another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and
said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you
want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg
that high has got to be a ballerina!"
__________________
Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible c**t... me - Bricktop
Reply With Quote
  #606  
Old 25.03.2009, 10:30
Macchiato's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Zurich
Posts: 730
Groaned at 22 Times in 15 Posts
Thanked 330 Times in 218 Posts
Macchiato is considered knowledgeableMacchiato is considered knowledgeableMacchiato is considered knowledgeable
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
View Post
Man wrongly jailed for 27 years walks free and is hit by a taxi.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...-hit-taxi.html

Someday your luck will change. Poor guy.
Wouldn't call it bad luck, he simply forgot rules of living in modern lifestyle!!
Reply With Quote
  #607  
Old 25.03.2009, 17:45
NickH's Avatar
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Vaud
Posts: 184
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 94 Times in 55 Posts
NickH has earned some respectNickH has earned some respect
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Have you noticed the way that burns victims stick together? - Carey Marx
Reply With Quote
  #608  
Old 25.03.2009, 18:03
Brightonite's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Outta here!
Posts: 620
Groaned at 54 Times in 30 Posts
Thanked 567 Times in 297 Posts
Brightonite has a reputation beyond reputeBrightonite has a reputation beyond reputeBrightonite has a reputation beyond reputeBrightonite has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
View Post
Have you noticed the way that burns victims stick together? - Carey Marx
Whooah! Is that funny??????????
Reply With Quote
  #609  
Old 25.03.2009, 18:10
NickH's Avatar
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Vaud
Posts: 184
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 94 Times in 55 Posts
NickH has earned some respectNickH has earned some respect
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
View Post
Whooah! Is that funny??????????
Depends on how dark you like your humour

Here is one more tonally neutral


- Woman walks into the bar and asks the barman for an innuendo...

... So he gave her one
Reply With Quote
  #610  
Old 25.03.2009, 18:11
gbn's Avatar
gbn gbn is offline
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Kloten
Posts: 1,959
Groaned at 66 Times in 47 Posts
Thanked 847 Times in 486 Posts
gbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond reputegbn has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
View Post
Whooah! Is that funny??????????
In a dark and sick manner eminently suited to my black sense of humor
Reply With Quote
  #611  
Old 27.03.2009, 15:13
oscarsmum's Avatar
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: La Belle France
Posts: 245
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 143 Times in 80 Posts
oscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Bloke says to his mate

"I've been taking steroids for a while and have grown an extra willie."

"Anabolic?"

"No, just a willie."
Reply With Quote
  #612  
Old 30.03.2009, 19:07
swissotter's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: singaporeotter
Posts: 1,738
Groaned at 7 Times in 7 Posts
Thanked 1,869 Times in 947 Posts
swissotter has a reputation beyond reputeswissotter has a reputation beyond reputeswissotter has a reputation beyond reputeswissotter has a reputation beyond reputeswissotter has a reputation beyond reputeswissotter has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
View Post
Bloke says to his mate

"I've been taking steroids for a while and have grown an extra willie."

"Anabolic?"

"No, just a willie."
good one :-)

why can't you get aspirin in the jungle?


cos' the parrots-et-am-ol
Reply With Quote
  #613  
Old 30.03.2009, 20:36
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: CH
Posts: 944
Groaned at 26 Times in 21 Posts
Thanked 433 Times in 275 Posts
raincookie has a reputation beyond reputeraincookie has a reputation beyond reputeraincookie has a reputation beyond reputeraincookie has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Love that one, Swissotter!
More please!
(Can't think of any good jokes since I had my hit on the head.....)
Reply With Quote
  #614  
Old 30.03.2009, 22:09
Maple Leaf's Avatar
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Denmark
Posts: 45
Groaned at 1 Time in 1 Post
Thanked 58 Times in 24 Posts
Maple Leaf has made some interesting contributions
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: “See what you get for five pounds, you tight *******?!"
Reply With Quote
  #615  
Old 30.03.2009, 22:29
Uncle GroOve's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Mendrisio
Posts: 1,064
Groaned at 7 Times in 5 Posts
Thanked 715 Times in 374 Posts
Uncle GroOve has a reputation beyond reputeUncle GroOve has a reputation beyond reputeUncle GroOve has a reputation beyond reputeUncle GroOve has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
View Post
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: “See what you get for five pounds, you tight *******?!"
Hahahahaaaa....

Good 'un!

Thx

Paul
Reply With Quote
  #616  
Old 01.04.2009, 22:04
Delphinium Blue
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

The scene is Bishoploch Primary School , Glasgow.

Teacher:
'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're
going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and
Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead
brilliant at general knowledge, so I am. This is goannae
be a doddle!'

Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said.
' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but
what you can do for your country?'

Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the
air.

Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the
front.

'Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English
accent): ' Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy -
inauguration speech 1960.'

Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday
and Monday and we will see you back in class on
Tuesday.'

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even
more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the
beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight
them at sea. But we will never surrender?' Wee Murray
's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting
'I know, I know. Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'.

Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at
the front: 'Yes Tarquin.'

Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes
miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of
Britain speech.'

Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday
and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.'

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is
hyper; he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and
he's ready for anything that comes.

He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one
giant leap for mankind?'

Wee Murray 's arm shoots straight in the air, he's
standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming
'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss,
me miss, meeeeee'.

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at
the front.

'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully,
frightfully, ever so plummy English accent):

'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon
landing.'

Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and
Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.'

Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and
throws his chair at the wall. He starts screaming:
'WHERE THE F@&K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B@ST@RDS
COME FROM?'

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts:
'Who said that?'





Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door,
'Robert the Bruce, Bannockburn , 1314. See ye on
Tuesday Miss!'

Ros
Reply With Quote
  #617  
Old 01.04.2009, 22:16
Brightonite's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Outta here!
Posts: 620
Groaned at 54 Times in 30 Posts
Thanked 567 Times in 297 Posts
Brightonite has a reputation beyond reputeBrightonite has a reputation beyond reputeBrightonite has a reputation beyond reputeBrightonite has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Very funny joke, Delphinium Blue, I loved it and I'm an English Ba5tard

Last edited by Brightonite; 01.04.2009 at 22:20. Reason: Cos' You asterixed my Ba5tard
Reply With Quote
  #618  
Old 04.04.2009, 17:56
Deep Purple's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: England
Posts: 5,145
Groaned at 15 Times in 14 Posts
Thanked 5,006 Times in 2,455 Posts
Deep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "But in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll be the sole heir to a £200 million fortune."

Impressed with his banter, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
__________________
"I'll say I can't tell you when, But if my spirit is strong, I know it can't be long, No questions I'm not alone, Somehow I'll find my way home" Rod

Last edited by Deep Purple; 12.06.2009 at 00:25.
Reply With Quote
  #619  
Old 16.04.2009, 22:33
HollidayG's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kanton Zürich
Posts: 3,021
Groaned at 52 Times in 36 Posts
Thanked 1,172 Times in 732 Posts
HollidayG has an excellent reputationHollidayG has an excellent reputationHollidayG has an excellent reputationHollidayG has an excellent reputation
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

One sunny day in February 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.' The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.' The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.


The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S.
Marine, saying, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'


The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow.'
__________________
Pick me, I'll be your Huckleberry!
Reply With Quote
  #620  
Old 16.04.2009, 22:50
nigelr's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Aargau
Posts: 1,419
Groaned at 109 Times in 53 Posts
Thanked 1,482 Times in 715 Posts
nigelr has a reputation beyond reputenigelr has a reputation beyond reputenigelr has a reputation beyond reputenigelr has a reputation beyond reputenigelr has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

a woman goes down to the hotel reception early one morning and says to the guy at the counter "hey, can you check me out?"

The guy looks here over and says "not bad, not bad at all!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
joke




Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT +2. The time now is 05:56.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0