THE FEMALE DEMERIT SYSTEM



> In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

> Make the woman happy.

> Do something she likes and you get points.

> Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

> You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.



Here is a guide to the point system:



SIMPLE DUTIES

> You make the bed (+1)

> You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

> You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

> You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

> But return with beer (-5)

> You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

> You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

> You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

> You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

> It's her pet (-20)

>

>

> SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

> You stay by her side the entire party (0)

> You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)

> Named Tina (-10)

> Tina is a dancer (-20)

> Tina has silicone implants (-80)

>

>

> HER BIRTHDAY

> You take her out to dinner (+2)

> You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

> Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

> And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

> It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

>

>

> A NIGHT OUT

> You take her to a movie (+1)

> You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

> You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

> You take her to a movie you like (-2)

> It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

> You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

>

>

> YOUR PHYSIQUE

> You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

> You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

> You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

> You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

>

>

> THE BIG QUESTION

> She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

> You hesitate in responding (-10)

> You reply, "Where?" (-35)

> Any other response (-20

>

>

> COMMUNICATION

> When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
> You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
> You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
> She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

WOMEN ALWAYS STARTS FIGHTS OVER NOTHING!
I'm sitting on the sofa the other day, watching TV. My wife comes in and asks:

• What's on TV?
• Dust.

That's when the fight started.

My wife was bugging me about what we should buy for our anniversary. I asked her:

• What do you want?
• Something cool. Something that goes from 0 to 180 in 3 seconds!

So I bought her a weighing scale.
That's when the fight started.

My wife was looking at herself in a mirror. She wasn't happy about what she was seeing. She said:

• I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me compliments!
• Your eyesight is perfect!

That's when the fight started.

I brought my wife to the restaurant. I asked for a steak, rare, The waiter asked me

• You're not afraid of mad cow?"
• No, she can order for herself.

That's when the fight started.

My wife and I were at her High School reunion. There was a guy there that was totally drunk, drinking shots after shots. I asked my wife:

• Do you know that guy?
• Yes, we dated for a while. He started drinking when we broke up and never stopped since.
• Wow, who knew someone could celebrate that long!

That's when the fight started.

The other day my wife asks me to get her out to an expensive place.
I brought her to the gas-station.
That's when the fight started.

At the grocery store, I asked my wife if I could buy a 28$ pack of beers. She says no, and then proceeds to buy a 15$ face cream.
I told her my beer would help making her look pretty more than her cream would
That's when the fight started.

The other day I asked my wife where she'd want to go for our anniversary. She answered:

• Some place I haven't been in a long time

So I invited her in the kitchen.
That's when the fight started.