Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:



Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.


Your devoted fan,
Jim

I've posted this letter before (on the Sgt pepper thread) but it is still one of the funniest letters I have read. From Chris Terrill (dumped by Heather Mills for Sir Paul) to Sir Paul. Note it goes to 3 pages.

http://timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article722871.ece

The Soap Saga

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times! (JVC: allegedly, this one's been around for years now)

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Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

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Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.

The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.

This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy,
Relief Maid

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Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular Maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf.

They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed., so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty

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Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

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Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6:00 PM.

That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.

Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

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Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconveninece.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

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Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Dial. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I don't want 54 little bars of Camay! Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don't know where you got this idea that this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

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Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

• On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
• On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
• On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouqet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
• Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
• In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
• On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere, slightly used.
• On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted.

Also, please advise here that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Here's an oldie, but a goodie.....

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the
cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I
refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for
eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To
this end, please be advised about the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will,
therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware
that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of
button presses required to access my account balance on your phone
bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level
the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone
system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised
Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any
dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice service:

Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the
Authorised Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact
will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.

While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a
refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made of
marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with
silver, That the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank
has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes
at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a
matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee
of £20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorised Contact will be billed
at £5 per minute of my time spent in response.

Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My
new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised to keep
your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May
I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)

Someone I know had his bank ATM card refused at time of most critical need: when he was drunk on a night out and in need of beer vouchers. He retired to the local McDonalds and wrote a scathing letter to the bank manager in multi colours of childs wax crayon on a serviette and posted it. It was delivered.

That obviously did the trick.

dave

One of my friends in the UK writes the addresses on his Xmas cards in crayon and draws some child-like pictures for good effort, they get delivered each year without fail without stamps

Apparently, this is an actual letter from the archives of the Smithsonian.



Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid kull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will
happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

Never thought I'd get to wheel this one out again...
A friend worked at a certain historical magazine in London and amongst the thousands of very academic and administrative letters that would arrive, they'd get a few gems from members of the, well, mentalist community. these were always stored in a locked file, but my associate managed to convince the secretary into giving him the key to this cabinet for a few hours and he lifted a few letters...

http://www.tonykeenebirds.co.uk/nutter1/p1.html

This guy would send one or two letters like this from Australia each month, often going to ten pages or more.

His favourite letter was the one we got after a gladiatorial show in london where we'd used a lot of fake blood (and made three people in the audience pass out). It ran to eleven pages of the tiniest script you've ever seen and each paragraph was written in a different colour ink.
Wibble letters are fun...

I think I've mentioned this before, years ago.

You'd all love these books. The time waster letters.

Be sure to read the diary extract from January 20, it's a letter frm Gunter, his Swiss German friend of 40 years..

This is surely a challenge for EF! Can we work out what "house handles" might be?

That sounds like JamesK.

This is the level of enlightenment that Tom Cruise and John Travolta are striving for

Here's one someone posted in the bookcrossing forum.

A letter to Proctor and Gamble

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak GuardCore(tm) or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the Curse?"
I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my " time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the
reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy
Period."
Are you kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness- actual smiling, laughing happiness is
possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M
freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you
have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your
house just so you don't march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting
rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, if you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi
pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is
Wrong", or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bull shit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Not quite a letter, but a lonely heart's ad, first published in late 2002 I think.

People who use museum postcards instead of letter–paper; people who own garden composters; ticket collectors who cannot accept the idea of the bloke in the kiosk at the station disappearing to the toilet at the exact time you've arrived to buy your fare; mechanics called Andy who get stroppy over the phone if you call during their lunch hour, fully expecting you to know that they take lunch between 10 and 11 in the morning; Islington intellectuals who have named their children “Billy” or “Eddy” despite knowing full well that they will never spend any time in William Hill's waiting to hear what the going is like at Haydock; people from Belway estates in Swindon who have named their children “Mariella” or “Giles” despite knowing full well that they are going to spend most of their adult lives in William Hill's waiting to hear what the going is like at Haydock; people who shoe–horn obscure French novelists into any conversation; people who take over–sized stroller pushchairs on the Northern Line at rush hour and get shirty when other passengers refuse to dislocate their limbs and fold themselves up in the corner to make room; newspaper supplement journalists who begin every article like they're writing a novel in the hope that a literary agent will snap them up; literary agents who snap up newspaper supplement journalists believing that their opening paragraphs would make an excellent start to a novel; the girl at Superdrug who never tells me how much my items come to but expects me to succumb to the power of her mind and make me look at the little screen on her till instead; postmen who make a concerted effort to bend packages with “do not bend” clearly stamped across the front; people who go to public schools named after German saints and attend Rocky Horror Picture Show–themed leavers' parties at the end of their final term then bore everyone they know for years to come about what a “seriously good larf” it was; Bob Wilson; thirtysomethings who listen to Radiohead, believing that Thom Yorke's depressing introspection has revolutionised the British music scene and made rock energetic once again without realising that Dire Straits fans were saying exactly the same thing about them in the early eighties; people who buy organic mushrooms; people who subscribe to magazines and get excited every time a new one lands on the doormat; people who have doormats; people who applaud the linesman's offside flag; people with espresso machines bought from Index for £19.99 that make you drink the stuff whenever you go round then go on about the difference in quality and how you can “really taste the bean” although it's no different from Mellow Bird's but takes four times as long to produce; people with more than one cat; people who have bought radiator covers; people who frame museum postcards sent by people who use them instead of letter–paper; people who own a copy of Michael Palin's Pole to Pole on DVD. Everybody else write to: man, 37. Box no 16/06.

The first letter had me choking with laughter. I wonder how the agony aunt responded to it? Humour aside, it is rather though provoking isn't it?