Navy Life


Buy a skip, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.

Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

Pump 10 inches of oily, crappy water into your cellar, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the cellar "deck gray."

Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay £7 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is banned.

Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 6.00 am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Call the Hands, Call the Hands".

Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.

Invite 200 complete strangers to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next day you have duty.

Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off."

Empty all the rubbish bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.

Repaint your entire house once a month.

Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

Spend £20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Asia, and call it "world travel."

Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone,and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their action stations.

Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have cold ham or macaroni. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for macaroni.

When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

In the middle of January, place a flag pole at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the pole, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

Sleep on the shelf in your cupboard. Replace the door with a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a torch in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong bunk."

Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bath, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.

Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.

Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbors car. Ignore his complaints.

Buy a rubbish compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bath.

Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into the garden and uncoil the garden hose.

Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.

Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.

Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.

Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "ready for sea."

Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of yours tove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready" Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular "stove secured." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

My endearing memory of six months at sea is living almost exclusively on One-Cal fizzy drinks with sacharin. I poisoned myself.

dave

It's not all fun in other services, but it's a bit easier if you can do it with style...

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