Go Back   English Forum Switzerland > Off-Topic > Off-Topic > Jokes/funnies
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #201  
Old 17.06.2008, 14:02
nqnln's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Liechtenstein
Posts: 694
Groaned at 2 Times in 2 Posts
Thanked 497 Times in 269 Posts
nqnln has earned the respect of manynqnln has earned the respect of manynqnln has earned the respect of many
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish or,
your husband will get ....... times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the
most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will
swoon over and flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I
will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said,"That will make your husband the richest man in the world
by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said,
"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful
consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.




























The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of
the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let
them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women are nosey cows and never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who
have a good sense of humour.
Reply With Quote
  #202  
Old 17.06.2008, 18:55
swisscath's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: adliswil
Posts: 464
Groaned at 2 Times in 1 Post
Thanked 579 Times in 269 Posts
swisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Reply With Quote
  #203  
Old 18.06.2008, 12:12
swisscath's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: adliswil
Posts: 464
Groaned at 2 Times in 1 Post
Thanked 579 Times in 269 Posts
swisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake. He finds his way
to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?"


The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep husky voice the woman next to him says: "Before you tell
that joke, I think it is only fair----given that you are blind.... that
you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I am 6 foot tall, 175lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional
weightlifter.

5. The lady next to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now think seriously about it Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters:

Nah....not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Reply With Quote
  #204  
Old 19.06.2008, 15:32
swisscath's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: adliswil
Posts: 464
Groaned at 2 Times in 1 Post
Thanked 579 Times in 269 Posts
swisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stubbles upon an redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.

"Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all.

The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.

So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"

The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."

"Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.

"NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The b1tch ran over me 10 minutes ago!"
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Reply With Quote
  #205  
Old 19.06.2008, 15:40
Rob's Avatar
Rob Rob is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Baden AG
Posts: 392
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 358 Times in 181 Posts
Rob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of many
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

George Bush is out jogging one morning, notices Little Johnny on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to Little Johnny and says, "What's in the box kid?"

Little Johnny says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

George Bush laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Republicans," says Little Johnny.

"Oh that's cute," he says and he goes on his way.

A couple of days later George Bush is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies Little Johnny with his box just ahead.

George Bush says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to Little Johnny.

George Bush says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."

Little Johnny replies, "They're Democrats."

"Whoa!" George Bush says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," Little Johnny explains, "Their eyes are open now."
__________________
We fought them until Hell froze over. And then played hockey on the ice.
Reply With Quote
  #206  
Old 19.06.2008, 15:42
radical_mit's Avatar
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Unterberg
Posts: 67
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 22 Times in 15 Posts
radical_mit has no particular reputation at present
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A concierge at a posh resort was often asked about the ski
facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long
flight came by and asked him where the lift was.

"Go out the door," he told them, "past the pool, about 200 yards
down the block, and you'll see it on your right."

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the
man behind them spoke up. "They're from England," he said. "I
think they're looking for the elevator."
Reply With Quote
  #207  
Old 19.06.2008, 15:45
oscarsmum's Avatar
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: La Belle France
Posts: 245
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 143 Times in 80 Posts
oscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A couple go into a chinese restaurant for a meal. The small chinese waiter comes over takes their order and goes back to the kitchen.

Their starter duly arrives, and while they're still eating it, the main meal arrives too.

The woman finishes eating and is transfixed by the sight of the lid of their main dish slowly rising, then slamming down quickly.

'Larry, did you see that?'

'See what honey?'

'The lid on the dish.....it lifted up and then dropped down again.'

'Oh, honey........I don't think so. It must have been steam or something. Have you had too much wine?'

'It did...it really did!!'

Just as Larry is about to ask if she needs to go to the opticians, the lid rises again, and two tiny liitle eyes are seen in the gap.

'Ohmigod! Waiter....waiter...quickly, there's something living in this dish!'

The waiter comes running over.

'Sorry sir, what seems to be the problem?'

Larry tells him, and a look of relief comes over the waiter's face.

'Sir, what was it you ordered?'

'The Chicken Surprise as usual.'

'Ah............in that case it's my fault. Instead of the Chicken Surprise I've brought you
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The Peking Duck..........
Reply With Quote
  #208  
Old 19.06.2008, 15:59
swisscath's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: adliswil
Posts: 464
Groaned at 2 Times in 1 Post
Thanked 579 Times in 269 Posts
swisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Twas a good joke Oscarsmum, but I beat you to it a few pages back
Reply With Quote
  #209  
Old 19.06.2008, 16:02
oscarsmum's Avatar
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: La Belle France
Posts: 245
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 143 Times in 80 Posts
oscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

..........Totally embaressed now. Am away to hide in a cupboard!
Reply With Quote
  #210  
Old 19.06.2008, 16:10
oscarsmum's Avatar
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: La Belle France
Posts: 245
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 143 Times in 80 Posts
oscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Hoping to redeem myself.....(best read with a scottish accent)

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shallstart with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious".
The crowd are up ontheir feet, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says, "He disnae half talk some shi*e, eh??!!"

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mightyCaesar".
Brutus says to his mate, "What a load of shi*e, I'm gonnae check this oot!"

So Brutus sets off for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"

The crowd are up on their feet, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus jumps up and shouts"Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000Gauls in France but I've been there tae check it oot and ye only killed 25,000!!!!" The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.

Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Aye, but don't forget, away Gauls count double in Europe !!!"
Reply With Quote
  #211  
Old 19.06.2008, 16:13
chemgoddess's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, USA
Posts: 1,347
Groaned at 41 Times in 37 Posts
Thanked 950 Times in 459 Posts
chemgoddess has an excellent reputationchemgoddess has an excellent reputationchemgoddess has an excellent reputationchemgoddess has an excellent reputation
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
Two Nuns are returning to the Convent at a rather late hour. On the way, they have to pass through a rough part of town. While passing through, they observe two men following them. The Nuns begin praying and walking as fast as they can.

However, the two men soon catch up and as the nuns feared, the men begin raping them like there is no tomorrow.

One of the Nuns looks up to the heavens and says "Forgive this child of yours, Oh Lord. For he knows not what he is doing."

The other Nun, rather breathless, looks up and says "But this one exactly does ! "
I'm sorry, I can take a crude a joke as anybody but I really do draw the line at jokes that involve rape. Very poor taste. Very poor.
Reply With Quote
  #212  
Old 21.06.2008, 02:36
nqnln's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Liechtenstein
Posts: 694
Groaned at 2 Times in 2 Posts
Thanked 497 Times in 269 Posts
nqnln has earned the respect of manynqnln has earned the respect of manynqnln has earned the respect of many
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
Reply With Quote
  #213  
Old 21.06.2008, 11:24
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Zurich
Posts: 169
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 106 Times in 53 Posts
vallers has no particular reputation at present
Re: terrible jokes

Swisscath - I love the duck joke - made me really lol
Reply With Quote
  #214  
Old 21.06.2008, 23:06
Deep Purple's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: England
Posts: 5,145
Groaned at 15 Times in 14 Posts
Thanked 5,006 Times in 2,455 Posts
Deep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who was invited to a toga party?

He turned up dressed as a goat.
Reply With Quote
  #215  
Old 23.06.2008, 18:05
swisscath's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: adliswil
Posts: 464
Groaned at 2 Times in 1 Post
Thanked 579 Times in 269 Posts
swisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One day KFC went to the Pope with a proposition.

They offered him $10,000 to change the Lord's Prayer from
"Give us this day, our daily bread." to
"Give us this day, our daily chicken"

The Pope said no as the Lord's Prayer is sacred and it would be outrageous to change it.

So the next day KFC came to him with an offer of $50,000 to change the Lord's Prayer from
"Give us this day, our daily bread." to
"Give us this day, our daily chicken"

Again, the Pope said no.

So, after a meeting with the directors at KFC, they finally offered the Pope $1,000,000 to change the Lord's Prayer from
"Give us this day, our daily bread." to
"Give us this day, our daily chicken"

The Pope thought about it and eventually came to the conclusion that that amount of money could help the church alot. So he agreed.

The next day, the Pope called a meeting with all his cardinals and bishops. He said:
"Okay, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, we have a new deal with KFC.

The bad news is we've lost the deal with Hovis."

__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

Last edited by swisscath; 23.06.2008 at 18:13. Reason: replace previous joke
Reply With Quote
  #216  
Old 23.06.2008, 18:10
TheWolverine's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: over here
Posts: 1,222
Groaned at 10 Times in 10 Posts
Thanked 1,023 Times in 509 Posts
TheWolverine has a reputation beyond reputeTheWolverine has a reputation beyond reputeTheWolverine has a reputation beyond reputeTheWolverine has a reputation beyond reputeTheWolverine has a reputation beyond reputeTheWolverine has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
I'm sorry, I can take a crude a joke as anybody but I really do draw the line at jokes that involve rape. Very poor taste. Very poor.
Im sorry the joke offended you...it has been removed.
Reply With Quote
  #217  
Old 23.06.2008, 18:10
BHBT's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: was Züri
Posts: 956
Groaned at 19 Times in 16 Posts
Thanked 892 Times in 413 Posts
BHBT has a reputation beyond reputeBHBT has a reputation beyond reputeBHBT has a reputation beyond reputeBHBT has a reputation beyond reputeBHBT has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Erm, Swisscath, while I'm a regular fan of your (really bad) jokes, this one might not be that suitable for this forum....

Barbra.

Quote:
View Post
When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife "

Last edited by BHBT; 23.06.2008 at 18:23.
Reply With Quote
  #218  
Old 23.06.2008, 18:18
TheWolverine's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: over here
Posts: 1,222
Groaned at 10 Times in 10 Posts
Thanked 1,023 Times in 509 Posts
TheWolverine has a reputation beyond reputeTheWolverine has a reputation beyond reputeTheWolverine has a reputation beyond reputeTheWolverine has a reputation beyond reputeTheWolverine has a reputation beyond reputeTheWolverine has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A small Apache kid asked his mother "Mum, mum...can I ask a question ?"

Mother : "Go Ahead boy"
Boy : "Why is my eldest brother called Soaring Eagle?"
Mother : "Well you see dear son, when he was born, your father went outside the tent and the first thing he saw was a Soaring Eagle. Thats how your brother got his name."
Boy : "And why is the middle one called Running Horse?"
Mother : "Well, the first thing your father saw when he was born was a Running horse. So, your brother was named Running Horse."

Mother : "But why are you asking so many questions today... Dog?"
__________________
"You picked the wrong house, Bub"
Reply With Quote
  #219  
Old 25.06.2008, 15:00
smbuzby's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Embrach North of Zurich City
Posts: 348
Groaned at 3 Times in 3 Posts
Thanked 121 Times in 73 Posts
Blog Entries: 6
smbuzby has earned some respectsmbuzby has earned some respect
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Old, most likely a repeat, but amusing.

1.To find woman, you need time and money.

Woman = Time x Money

2. "Time is Money"

Woman = Money x Money

3. "Money is the root of all problems"

Therefore Woman = Problems.
Reply With Quote
  #220  
Old 25.06.2008, 15:57
TAkinremi's Avatar
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Stansstad
Posts: 80
Groaned at 1 Time in 1 Post
Thanked 18 Times in 17 Posts
TAkinremi has no particular reputation at present
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
Old, most likely a repeat, but amusing.

1.To find woman, you need time and money.

Woman = Time x Money

2. "Time is Money"

Woman = Money x Money

3. "Money is the root of all problems"

Therefore Woman = Problems.

isnt this meant to be a mathmatical problem, proving women are evil...?
statign that money is root of evil e.c.t.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
funnies, punography




Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
EF Challenge: Number plate cushions litespeed Transportation/driving 42 30.08.2013 23:54
Website Challenge Lob Jokes/funnies 38 01.07.2008 22:01
I think I may be making a terrible mistake !! gypsy21 Daily life 66 27.04.2007 00:09
Ski Challenge Nickj General off-topic 0 04.12.2006 13:33


All times are GMT +2. The time now is 04:25.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0