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  #221  
Old 25.06.2008, 16:01
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex, the mum on top
He asks "what are you doing",
Mum replies "Your daddy has a big belly so I get on top of him to help flatten it
Boy says "Your wasting your time cause when you go out shopping the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!"
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  #222  
Old 25.06.2008, 16:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

(Gotta say this out loud)

Two elephants jump off a cliff

Boom! Boom!
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  #223  
Old 25.06.2008, 16:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
isnt this meant to be a mathmatical problem, proving women are evil...?
statign that money is root of evil e.c.t.

Indeed, evil, problems, take your pick
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  #224  
Old 25.06.2008, 16:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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  #225  
Old 25.06.2008, 20:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on
your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only
way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital,
he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like
he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street,he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life..
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new
suit'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44
long'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a
new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2
neck.'

Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How
about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache.' !
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  #226  
Old 26.06.2008, 16:01
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

This one is a little on the rude side................


Little Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.

He casually asked,"Grandma whats that?" She quickly replied, "That's my beaver". Little Johnny didnt say another word.

Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,"Mommy whats that?" She replied, "Well Johnny thats my beaver."

Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,"Well grandmas beaver must be dying its tongues hanging out!!"
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  #227  
Old 26.06.2008, 16:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Ewwwwww!!!!!!
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  #228  
Old 26.06.2008, 18:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're going to love this)




(A masterpiece)




(Wait for it)




The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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  #229  
Old 27.06.2008, 15:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Bear and rabbit in the wood - both crouching taking a dump. The bear turns to the rabbit and says,

"Does the sh*t stick to your fur?"

The rabbit responded,

"Yes it does, real pain isnt it?"

To which the bear said,

"Jolly good." and proceeds to pick up the rabbit and wipe his butt.
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  #230  
Old 27.06.2008, 17:43
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."
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  #231  
Old 27.06.2008, 18:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man walks into a drug store with his 9-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy (who obviously knows the answer, but wants to know if his dad will give him a proper answer or not) asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex." Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, ........"
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  #232  
Old 30.06.2008, 17:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Bill was 81 and this was his first day in the old folks home,he had spent most of the day lying on his bed thinking about his future.
At 4pm a care worker came into his room and thought she would chat to him for a while and help Bill settle in.
As she chatted to him she ate a few of the peanuts that were on his bedside table.When she looked at her watch an hour had gone by and she’d eaten most of his peanuts.
’ I’ll have to go now Bill I didn’t realise the timeand I must apaologise for eating most of those nuts ’ she said.
’ Thats OK, now that I don’t have any teeth all I do is suck the chocolate off them,’ said Bill.
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  #233  
Old 02.07.2008, 10:18
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Martha lost her husband three weeks ago. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them on the end table.

The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the patio. She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the table.

She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her fingers in them. After a few minutes she started talking to the ashes.

'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, 'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?'

'Here it comes.
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  #234  
Old 02.07.2008, 15:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Apologies if I've posted this one already...I'm losing track.. aahhh

Hello, and thank you for calling the Mental Health Institute
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3 and 4.
If you suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, press 5 but do it v-e-r-y- s-l-o-w-l-y and carefully.
If you are dyslexic, press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8.
If you have schizophrenia, listen very carefully and a small voice will tell you the number to press.
If you have a nervous disorder, fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press a number for you.
If you are depressed, don't bother to press any numbers. No one will be able to help you anyway.
If you are paranoid, you don't need to press anything. We know who you are, we know what you want, and we know how to reach you.
If you suffer from low self-esteem, please hang up because all our operators are too busy to talk to you.
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  #235  
Old 02.07.2008, 16:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop
"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
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  #236  
Old 03.07.2008, 18:15
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

'Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride away. The bartender wandered out of the bar and yelled to him, "Say partner, before you go ... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

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  #237  
Old 03.07.2008, 18:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Why did the girl cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.
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  #238  
Old 04.07.2008, 16:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Blonde joke :
---------------------------------------------------------
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a
child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree
and wrote a note. 'I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this
but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big
oak tree in the park at 7AM.'
Signed,
'The Blonde.'

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a
brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside
the bag with the cash was the following note.

'Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to
another.'

---------------------------------------------------------
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  #239  
Old 04.07.2008, 17:06
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."
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  #240  
Old 07.07.2008, 17:07
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent.
After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?"

The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees."
The first two men were dumbfounded.

"Wow! What happened next?" they asked.
The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, "Then she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
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