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  #241  
Old 07.07.2008, 17:31
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Oooh!!! Blonde jokes! How many do I remember?

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, she just holds the lightbulb and lets the world revolve around her.

What does a blonde say after sex?
"So, are all you guys from the same team?"

How do you know there has been a blonde using the computer?
There is whiteout on the screen.

Why don't they let blondes take a lunch break?
The retraining costs are too high.

What do you call a blonde who dies her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

What does a bottle blonde and a 747 have in common?
They both have a black box.

Why was the blonde excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said 4 to 6 years.


What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted.


A blonde looked at her drivers license and got depressed when she saw that she got an “F” in sex.
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  #242  
Old 07.07.2008, 18:08
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Not forgetting .................................

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"



A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
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  #243  
Old 08.07.2008, 19:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want
off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds
who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there
for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice
language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant
one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand
luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are p * ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
the fat bitch in the kitchen.'
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  #244  
Old 09.07.2008, 20:20
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

MY FAMILY TREE

Hi there...this is me. Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart a lot.


This is my mom. She has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.

This is my brother Hank. He is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals.



My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. She smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.


My mom says she is almost positive this is my dad. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are going fishing.

This is my dad's truck. The bloodstains inside are almost all gone.



My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking an eggbeater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.


We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and already in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name.


My half brother JimBob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.


This is my older sister Sue Ellen. She has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.


Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.


This is Buck. He is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.


This is my sister's boyfriend for now. His name is Garry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt.


This is Michael. He used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.



These are 2 kids we throw stuff at. There used to be 3 of them. Mom says we can't throw heavy stuff any more.


Jake holds the park record. He once jumped over 7 trailers. Jake crashed a lot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him to wear a helmet.


My uncle Marky is still having problems. He doesn't know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Vietnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.


This is my stepbrother Phil. He had a hunting accident years ago. The bullet is lodged just over his right ear. It's hard to understand him sometimes and he always stinks like rotten cheese.







This is our cousin Wayne who lives in England.
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  #245  
Old 10.07.2008, 11:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
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  #246  
Old 11.07.2008, 15:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A not so bright guy, wanting to earn some money, decided to try to find some handyman-type work and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for him to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The guy said "How about 50 dollars?"

The homeowner agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage. The homeowner's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The homeowner replied, "He should. He was standing on it."

A short time later, the guy came to the door to collect his money. "You're finished already?" the homeowner asked. "Yes," the guy answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the homeowner reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the guy added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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  #247  
Old 11.07.2008, 15:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An old one I just heard on a BBC Radio1 Podcast.

Two nuns are in a bath.
"Where's the soap?" says one to the other.
To which she replies, "Yes, it does."
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  #248  
Old 11.07.2008, 18:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

¨


I just don't get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick, but no one says anything about Stephen Hawking being **** at football do they?
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  #249  
Old 11.07.2008, 18:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
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¨


I just don't get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick, but no one says anything about Stephen Hawking being **** at football do they?
reminds me of the viz letter:
PEOPLE think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn't just looking up the answer on the Internet?
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  #250  
Old 14.07.2008, 15:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]


Teacher asks her class, "What is the animal depicted on a weather vane?"
Little Johnny, the infamous troublemaker, says, "I know, teacher, I know."
Against her better judgment she calls on him and he says, "Teacher, it is a cock."
Teacher asks the class, "Why is a cock on a weather vane?"
"I know, I know, teacher," says Johnny.
"OK, Johnny, Why?"
"Because, teacher, if it had a **** on it, the wind would whistle right through it."


* * * * *

Two nuns are sitting in the traffic waiting for the lights to change when suddenly a vampire appears in front of them.
‘Oh sister, what shall we do?’ stammers the younger nun.
‘Do not worry,’ came the reply. ‘Show him your cross.’
The younger nun winds down the windscreen and yells, ‘**** off, you little ****!’



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  #251  
Old 14.07.2008, 21:25
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Just count how many people in the image

Very simple, just tell about how many people in my attachment:
Attached Thumbnails
repertoire-terrible-jokes-i-challenge-you-funny_riddles_count_the_number.gif  
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  #252  
Old 16.07.2008, 10:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a woman at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair Smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."
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  #253  
Old 17.07.2008, 12:08
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Once there were three Red Indian women. They were all pregnant and they all slept in their husband's teepees on skins they had killed or traded for.
The first slept on a deer skin.
The second slept on a bear skin.
The third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three had children on the full moon. The first had a strong baby boy. The second had a strong baby boy. The third had twins.
This just proves that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides!
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  #254  
Old 17.07.2008, 12:37
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A Joke A Day!



Hello everybody!!

I think it is hard to put a smile on anyone's face, but it is great if you can! so let's put stuff here - jokes, pictures, videos any funny links (anything) here which will make people smile. Remember, you can't take away someone's pain just like that but if you make someone smile, then you are actually helping that person

Also, remember to NOT get mad if you dont understand any joke, and if you really find it that offensive then please let the person who posted it know and they can can remove it. this thread only intended to make people smile!!

It is 'a joke a day' but i am posting more than one for today, just to kick off the thread well! sooo, here we go!!!
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  #255  
Old 17.07.2008, 12:41
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Things said in court

I apologize if this has been posted before

Things said in court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

-----------------------------------

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

-----------------------------------

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

-----------------------------------


Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

-----------------------------------

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

-----------------------------------


Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

-----------------------------------


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

-----------------------------------

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

-----------------------------------


Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

-----------------------------------


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

-----------------------------------


Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

-----------------------------------


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

-----------------------------------


Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

-----------------------------------


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

-----------------------------------


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

-----------------------------------


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

-----------------------------------


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

-----------------------------------


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

-----------------------------------


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere


-----------------------------------
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  #256  
Old 17.07.2008, 12:43
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Unused instrument, A Preists story............

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:
I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
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  #257  
Old 17.07.2008, 12:46
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Genie

Australian bloke walking along beach picks up sealed bottle. Pulls out stopper, and, as always happens, a genie appeared.

"I am greatful for being let out so I will grant you one wish," says the genie.

"Hay, I heard there is supposed to be 3 wishes. How come you are only granting me one wish?" the bloke asks.

"This is not that kind of joke", says the genie. "Now hurry up and tell me what do you want?"

The bloke thinks long and hard - One wish only - and finally decides.

"Look, I love surfing more than anything else, and I have always wanted to try out those big waves in Hawaii. Only problem is I am claustrophic, and so can not fly in a plane. And I get violently sea sick, so travelling that way has been out too."

"For my one wish, I'd like you to make a bridge from Sydney to Hawaii and I'll be able to drive my car there?"

The genie splutters "Are you mad - Are you aware of how far it is - How deep the sea bed is - How much concrete and steel would be needed - I'd have to make it high enough for ships to sail under - Make it cyclone and hurricane proof - Nar, never happen."

The bloke is dissapointed of course - obviously he's picked a dud genie. "Ok then, I guess I've always wanted to be able to understand women - it would make for a perfect relationship."

The genie looks at the bloke long and hard. "You want me to explain women to you?" ------- "Hmmmm - Would you like that to be a one or two lane bridge?"
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Old 17.07.2008, 12:47
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Why Is English So Strange?

WHY IS ENGLISH SO STRANGE?

Did you know that "verb" is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why do 'i did nothing' and "i didn't do nothing' mean the same?

If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? (means 1 lettered word)

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? (means using sound-like words like, Bang!)

Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?

Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell? (means not able to spell)

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? (to know how to spell)

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? (spelled the same backwards "kayak")

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? (spelled like it sounds like, man)
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  #259  
Old 17.07.2008, 12:47
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Re: A Joke A Day!

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. Nice concept but I think people may carrying on going to the established threads such as these to put a smile on their faces !! Your jokes are good, but they may get more views on the other joke threads that get viewed regularly. Give it a go though

know a good one? [jokes thread] ( 1 2 3 4 5 ... Last Page)
swissotter


Funny Cats ( 1 2 3 4 5 ... Last Page)
Rich


FAIL of the day ( 1 2 3 4)
chemgoddess

Headline of the day ( 1 2 3 4 5 ... Last Page)
Polorise

oh and of course

Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you] ( 1 2 3 4 5 ... Last Page)
swisscath
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Old 17.07.2008, 12:56
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Re: A Joke A Day!

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Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. Nice concept but I think people may carrying on going to the established threads such as these to put a smile on their faces !! Give it a go though
that's right. i have seen those threads, and especially like yours "Repertoire of terrible jokes..". the reason i made my own thread is that now if I "ruin" the thread it would be only my own ...
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