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  #281  
Old 18.07.2008, 19:13
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College rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”
Then one of the student asked, “How much for a season pass?”
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  #282  
Old 19.07.2008, 23:26
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Four Married Guys

Four Married Guys

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

Second Guy: That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?

Fourth Guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, ‘Golf Course or Intercourse?’ So she says, Wear your sweater.
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  #283  
Old 21.07.2008, 14:29
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At a Donation Center

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways

A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
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  #284  
Old 21.07.2008, 14:33
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Right after my kidney transplant...

Right after my kidney transplant...

I was lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over my mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appeared to sponge my hands and feet. "Nurse", I mumbled from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replied, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."I struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises my gown, held my thingy in one hand and my testicles in her other hand and took a close look and said, "There's nothing wrong with them!" I then pulled off my oxygen mask and said very slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely - - are... my... test...results...back?
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  #285  
Old 21.07.2008, 16:16
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Computer Skills

This gotta make you feel better about your computer skills!



Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
==============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and.
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============= =

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
==============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
==============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
= =============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
==============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
==============


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
==============

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
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  #286  
Old 21.07.2008, 17:00
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

2 women came to my door today and asked me what bread I use…….so I told them Kingsmill. Well for 30 minutes they lectured me on the benefits of brown bread. D’you know, I can’t be doing with hovis witnesses.
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  #287  
Old 21.07.2008, 17:04
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Cook, Etc.''
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  #288  
Old 21.07.2008, 17:15
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A real old man walks into a brothel and tells the madame that he wants a young bird for the night. The old boiler looks at the man in a puzzled way and asks him how old he is.

"98," he replies.

"Ninety eight," the madame replies, "don't you realise that you've had it."

"Oh," he says, "How much do I owe you then?"
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  #289  
Old 21.07.2008, 17:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
......

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Cook, Etc.''
that aint right. it is supposed to be F*** in the original joke!!

maybe you change it intentionally ...
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  #290  
Old 22.07.2008, 18:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'
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  #291  
Old 22.07.2008, 18:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

RUDE JOKE....................

A man walks into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat. He goes up the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat."
The unlikely trio find a table, sit down and drink their drinks. Next, it's the ostrich's round. He walks up to the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat." Then the ostrich takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them. When it comes to the cat's turn to buy a round, he simply tells his pals to "Sod off!"
So the man goes back to the bar and asks for another two beers and a whisky.
Impressed at his generosity, the barman says: "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why do you hang out with him?"
The man replies: "I once helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish, which landed me with the cat and the ostrich forever."
"What did you wish for?" enquires the barman.

"A long-legged bird with a tight pussy…"
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  #292  
Old 23.07.2008, 11:35
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Great-Uncle George

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
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  #293  
Old 23.07.2008, 11:39
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Warning! Lock Your Doors!

Warning! Lock Your Doors!

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! A New Jersey man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes, A banana was sticking out of his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer.





X
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  #294  
Old 23.07.2008, 19:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fence wasn't electrified."
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  #295  
Old 23.07.2008, 23:18
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

This is a 'heads up' for those of you men who may be regular Home Depot customers.



This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping at Home Depot. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:



Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your vehicle as you are packing your shopping into the trunk of your car or back of your truck. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th, 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

p.s. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each.

Take appropriate action...!!!
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  #296  
Old 24.07.2008, 10:20
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

These are absentee notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools all over South Africa .

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School : Please ekscuse Shadrak being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5.
Please excuse Blessing from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face..

7.
Moses was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

10.
Please excuse Justice Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh
its. [Words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

13.
Petros was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Beauty home because she was to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16.
Please ekxcuse Wiseman for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off verunda, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20.Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Burma , she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
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Old 24.07.2008, 13:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?" She said, "Yes, sir."

So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?
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  #298  
Old 04.08.2008, 16:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Hello everyone, back off my hols and picked up a few more little jokes to add to my repertoire.

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?" The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks, mister," says the little boy.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
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  #299  
Old 04.08.2008, 22:59
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I like this one, just wasn't sure whether to put it in the good or bad jokes thread.
Anyway....

If it doesn't seem funny on reading, try telling it to someone

Three men, an Italian, a French and a Spanish went for a job interview in
England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a
sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.
The Italian was first:
"I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and
I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."
The Spanish was next:
"I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the
evening I watch the pink panther on TV."
Last was the French:
"I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green...green...", I pink up
the phone and I say "Yellow ?..."

Ros
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  #300  
Old 05.08.2008, 09:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

President Bush decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that President Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep,
that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor!
What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

Then the guy says,
'Really? What's going to happen?

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million
Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims.'
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