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  #301  
Old 06.08.2008, 21:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the television.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.
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  #302  
Old 07.08.2008, 15:07
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
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  #303  
Old 08.08.2008, 11:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he was very strict about the Celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a paparazzi photographer capturing the moment of the holy seed flying through the air.

“Hold on a minute” said the Pope. “You can't publish that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.”
“This picture is my lottery win” said the photographer. “I'll be financially secure for life.”

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars. The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.

He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. “That looks like a really good camera” she said. “How much did it cost?”
“Two million dollars” replied the Pope.

“Two million dollars! TWO MILLION DOLLARS!” said the housekeeper. “They must have seen you coming!”
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  #304  
Old 08.08.2008, 12:47
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A Magician is working a cruise liner and every evening he gets more and more annoyed by the captains parrot who comes out with "Squaaawk - the card's hidden up his sleeve" "Squaaawk - he's hidden the ball in his pocket" "Squaaawk - he's got a dove under his hat".

This goes on for a week and finally the magician looses it, pulls a gun out and shoots the parrot. Unfortunately he misses but hits a propane gas pipe and blows the ship to pieces. All that's left is a few pieces of wood drifting in the sea with the magician clinging on for dear life.

Just then the parrot lands on his head and says

"Squaaawk - all right, I give up. Where's the f•••••g ship"
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  #305  
Old 08.08.2008, 13:21
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My favourites:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday ,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."



Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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  #306  
Old 11.08.2008, 12:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

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  #307  
Old 11.08.2008, 15:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"

Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."

Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.

And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."
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  #308  
Old 11.08.2008, 15:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One day Adam was walking around the garden of Eden when God popped down for a chat. God asked him how things where going and if he was happy. Adam replied "Well, I don't want to complain as you have given me life, this beautiful garden, glory of the stars and all these amazing animals to wonder at."
God looked at Adam and asked "But?"
To which Adam sighed "But I do get a bit lonely, and the animals seem so much happier frolicking around together."
God considered this and then said "So you would like a companion? Describe to me what you would like from this companion?"
Adam thought about it a bit and replied "She would be tall and lean with perfect boobs. Intelligent, funny and understanding of my needs. A fantastic cook, keeps the place clean and great in bed. Is this possible".
"Hmmmm" though God "It is possible but it would cost you an arm and a leg".
Looking shocked at this, Adam hesitated and then asked "So what can I get for a rib?"

Men have been living with this choice ever since.
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  #309  
Old 11.08.2008, 19:46
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F * ck ....

Last edited by higgybaby; 11.08.2008 at 22:48. Reason: messy formatting tidy up
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  #310  
Old 11.08.2008, 20:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband.

'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that accelerates
from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.

Finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought....



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  #311  
Old 11.08.2008, 20:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
Now that really is what I call a terrible joke. How do you manage to keep finding them?

Wikipedia reference-linkIn July 1995, Monkhouse appealed for the return of his joke book which had been lost or stolen.

I hope that you don't know anything about this!

Rod
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  #312  
Old 11.08.2008, 23:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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This is a 'heads up' for those of you men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam .......
Another scam to beware of .....

Hoax warnings don't usually bother me, but this one is important.

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show them your arse, DO NOT show them your arse.
This is a scam; they just want to see your arse.
I wish I'd got this email yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.
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  #313  
Old 11.08.2008, 23:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
Two dogs and a cat are busking in the street playing orchestra instruments.
They can't play very well and are making a terrible din.

Next to their collection basket is a sign that reads, "Classical composers in training. Please give generously."

A man walking past reads the sign and says, "How can you be classical composers, you sound really dreadful?"

The cat said in broken English, "But he bach, he offenbach and i'm debussy".

--------------------------------
Arnold Swarzeneggar's agent is offering him a part in a blockbuster action movie based on famous composers.

Arnie muses over the idea for a few seconds and says, "I like it, I like it. Bruce Willis could be Mozart, Sly Stallone would be good as Beethoven and ......................
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....I'll be Bach."

-------------------------------------
William Shakespeare walks into a pub and says to the landlord, "I'll have a pint of ale please."
The landlord says, "No, you're Bard."

A wig walks into a pub and asks the barman, "Can I have a pint of beer please?"
"No, you're already off your head." came the reply.
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  #314  
Old 12.08.2008, 00:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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The Pope was ....
The Pope was told by his doctor that His Holiness had a terminal illness that could only be cured by have sex with a woman.

The Pope explained that this was not possible as it was against his holy orders.

The doctor explained to him that this was the only possible cure or he would surely die within days.

The Pope asked for a second and third opinion by the worls's top physicians and was told the same story.

The Pope said that he could not consider it.

The docotor and the papal advisors pleaded with him. "Your holiness, don't think of it as a pleasurable sinful act but as an act of medication. The sole reason for doing this is to get you cured, not for gratification."

The Pope reflected and finally gave in. He said, "Okay I will do this sinful act but only for the benefit of Catholics around the world. But I have three conditions."

"Oh good, holy father. But what are these three conditions?"

"Firstly, you must find me a woman who is blind. So this woman cannot know that she is having sex with the pope".

"Okay father. That's a very wise thing. And what is the second condition?"

"In case she hears and recognises my voice, while we have sex she must be a mute so that she cannot tell anyone about this regretable act."

"No problem, we will find such a woman. Very wise your holiness. And please, tell us what is your last requirement?"

"She must have big tits."
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  #315  
Old 12.08.2008, 15:57
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.

The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?

The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cycle path."
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  #316  
Old 12.08.2008, 16:08
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My Dad was mean.He gave me an empty box last birthday and said it was an Action man deserter!


What’s 40 feet long and smells like pee?

Line dancing in a nursing home



Whats green and does kung fu?

Bruce Pea


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  #317  
Old 12.08.2008, 16:23
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Doctor made another ward round checking on his new patients….


Doctor: How is Mr. Bowen?
Nurse: He's doing great, smashing, fantastic…..

Doctor: How is the stock market speculator?
Nurse: He's suffering from depression.

Doctor: How is our albino patient?
Nurse: Fair.

Doctor: How is the nervous guy, who just feels like a little pebble?
Nurse: I think he's a little boulder now.

Doctor: How is the mentally unstable magazine publisher?
Nurse: He certainly has a lot of issues.

Doctor: But, is he showing any improvement?
Nurse: Periodically.


Doctor: What did you tell the crazy guy who thinks he's a teepee AND a wigwam?
Nurse: I told him he's too tense.

Doctor: Is the man who got caught in the optical glass grinder embarrassed?
Nurse: Yes, he feels he made a spectacle of himself.

Doctor: How is the land developer?
Nurse: He has improved a lot.

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  #318  
Old 12.08.2008, 20:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Man goes in a pub...
You only used to be able to get peanuts and crisps but now... Man goes in a pub

Mangoes...
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  #319  
Old 12.08.2008, 22:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Man goes in a pub...
You only used to be able to get peanuts and crisps but now... Man goes in a pub
I actually did groan out aloud to that one...
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  #320  
Old 13.08.2008, 01:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Doctor ....
A doctor goes up to one of his patients in hospital and says, "I've got good news and bad news."
Patient, "Give me the bad news first."
Doctor, "You've only got two weeks to live."
Patient, "Oh no. What's the good news?"
Doctor, "Well you see that really cute nurse over there who's staring at you?"
Patient (excited voice), "Yes!"
Doctor, "I'm sh@gging her."

-------------------------------------------------

Doctor, "I've got good news and bad news."
Patient, "Give me the bad news."
Doctor, "We're going to have to amputate both your legs."
Patient, "Oh no that's awful. What's the good news?
Doctor, "The man in the bed opposite wants to buy your slippers."
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