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  #321  
Old 14.08.2008, 15:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]


Question: What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and Viagra have in common?
Answer: They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.


************

They are making a movie about Harold Shipman and Robert De Niro ....
Its called "The Old Dear Hunter"


***********

Janet and Michael Jackson are at home one night.
Janet says "shall we get a pizza and a video?"
Michael says "sure, can we get Aladdin?
Janet says "No, just a pizza and a video"
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  #322  
Old 15.08.2008, 15:21
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

And the doctor makes his final rounds of his other patients.

Doctor: How is the guy who didn't think his orthopedic surgery would help?
Nurse: He stands corrected.


Doctor: How is the entomologist?
Nurse: He's caught a nasty bug.

Doctor: How is the fireworks expert?
Nurse: He's had another flare-up.

Doctor: How is the old watchmaker?
Nurse: He's feeling run-down.

Doctor: How is the guy that the police brought in?
Nurse: He's in guarded condition.

Doctor: Is Mr. Shetland's laryngitis any better?
Nurse: He's still a little hoarse.

Doctor: How is the sky diver who got caught in the high lines?
Nurse: Still hanging in there.

Doctor: How is the addict from Egypt?
Nurse: He's in denial.

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  #323  
Old 18.08.2008, 15:26
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Doctor: "How's the grammar teacher?"
Nurse: "Quite presently tense."

D: "How about his colleague, the history teacher?"
N: "Oh, still tense about the past."

D: "How's Pamela Anderson doing?"
N: "Rather meloncholic, I'm afraid."

D: "And Amadeus Mozart?"
N: "Ah, that one's fit as a fiddle."
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  #324  
Old 18.08.2008, 15:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said: "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you'd like to stay but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 6 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you've been here for 6 years now. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that." the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 6 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 18th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit." said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best.", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bi*ch since you got here."
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  #325  
Old 18.08.2008, 15:40
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Doctor: I've got good news and bad.
Patient: Ok, I want the good first
Doctor: You have another day to live
Patient: The bad?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday
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  #326  
Old 18.08.2008, 15:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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D: "And Amadeus Mozart?"
N: "Ah, that one's fit as a fiddle."
An an old one...

Tourist during a visit to Bach's birthplace: "Is Bach still composing?"
Tour guide: "No madam, he's decomposing."
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  #327  
Old 18.08.2008, 15:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

VERY RUDE - DO NOT READ ON IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?


- Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
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  #328  
Old 18.08.2008, 17:27
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Eeuk!!!

Wish I hadn't read on..........but my nosieness got the better of me!
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  #329  
Old 18.08.2008, 17:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I did my best to warn.....
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  #330  
Old 18.08.2008, 17:36
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Mmmmmm, rude jokes……….well to continue in the same vein

There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.
A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fy dropped 6 inches I'd get it!"
A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it!"
A hunter thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear!"
A mouse thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich!"
A cat thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse!"
Suddenly it all happened,
The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear get the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water!!!!!

The Moral Of This Story Is ...
Every time time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet
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  #331  
Old 18.08.2008, 19:04
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One of my favourites of all time.... AGAIN DONT READ IF OFFENDED EASILY

Man in bar in new york. In walks a stunner. Man exclaims. Barman says, she's a hooker - you could pay and have such a beauty.

After a few beers, he has the courage to go and ask her. She said sure she's available, 500 bucks for a hand job. 500?? My god!! said he. Look out the window she says, see the ferrari - my HJs paid for them. Well, being in IT, he was a bit flush so paid the cash (just this once) and had an amazing time.

Next night, same place, same time, in she walks. He moves in straight away and asks "So, erm, what else is on the menu?". "Well, " she says, "I do BJs for 5000 bucks." "5 grand??!?!?? That's outrageous!" says he. "Ah, but look out the window - see the apartment block, my BJs paid for that."

Well, as he had such a good time (just this once) he partook again. It was SO amazing he fainted twice.

Can you imagine him the next evening? She was barely through the door when he was in her face asking for the whole package. "How much for your pu**y?" he begged.

"Look out the window, you see the Manhattan skyline? Well I think I could afford all of that, IF I had a pu**y."
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  #332  
Old 19.08.2008, 11:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

"The Little Golden Books for kids That Never Made It"

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
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  #333  
Old 19.08.2008, 21:04
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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"The Little Golden Books for kids That Never Made It"
How about "Santa Claus: The Myth Exposed"

Rod
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  #334  
Old 20.08.2008, 12:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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How about "Santa Claus: The Myth Exposed"


I forgot that one !!!! but didn't forget these ones !!!

That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
Grandpa Gets a Casket
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
You Were an Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Your Nightmares Are Real
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Cool Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
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  #335  
Old 20.08.2008, 18:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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What do you call a man in a bush?
Russell

Surely it should be

What do you call a man with a Seagull on his head
Cliff

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the water
Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and legs trapped in a paper bag
Russell

etc. etc.
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  #336  
Old 20.08.2008, 22:39
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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  #337  
Old 21.08.2008, 11:58
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked,
"Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade student should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets." There were no reactions on Harry's face. He was so cool!
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: “What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?”
Now, the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Harry: “Coconut “
Teacher: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? “

Harry: “Bubblegum”

Teacher: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands “
Teacher: “Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, do you understand?”
Harry: “Yep. “
Teacher: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. “
Harry: “tent “
Teacher. “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored, and the best man always has me first. “
The principal was looking restless and bit tensed.
Harry: “ a wedding ring “
Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
Harry: “nose “
Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
Harry: “ an arrow “
Teacher: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?”
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade. I missed the last ten questions.
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  #338  
Old 22.08.2008, 05:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the water
Bob

etc. etc.
What do you call a man who swims the English Channel with no arms or legs?
Clever Dick
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  #339  
Old 22.08.2008, 10:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in
pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and
the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him.
or
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag
about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

------------------------------
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  #340  
Old 22.08.2008, 11:48
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unphased, the blonde
assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this
store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the
pharmacist, "we don't have any" "But I always buy it here," says the
blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the
pharmacist.. "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."


She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container.........


"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "
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