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  #341  
Old 22.08.2008, 15:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An blonde Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Miss, please stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake.
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  #342  
Old 22.08.2008, 15:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Signs seen in a university washroom. Underneath a metal sign over the basins exhorting students to 'Think', was another, written, sign saying, 'Thoap'.
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  #343  
Old 22.08.2008, 15:31
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

you just made my day! had to laugh so much my dog started barking. thanks
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  #344  
Old 22.08.2008, 15:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

very funny ,thanks
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  #345  
Old 23.08.2008, 14:46
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'

And that's when I shot him, the little *******.
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  #346  
Old 25.08.2008, 15:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on No baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done? "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked Alex what he had done?
"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said,

"Winnie the Sh*t".
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  #347  
Old 26.08.2008, 11:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch."
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  #348  
Old 26.08.2008, 12:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?" He asks. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez-vous français?" The two continue to stare. "Parlate italiano?" No response. "Hablan Ustedes espagnol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says: "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…"

"Why?" says the other, "that bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
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  #349  
Old 26.08.2008, 19:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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The first Englishman turns to the second and says: "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…"

"Why?" says the other, "that bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
That would be even funnier if it wasn't true
I think it sums most of us English up nicely.

Rod
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  #350  
Old 27.08.2008, 14:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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  #351  
Old 29.08.2008, 11:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my
bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him --
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to
me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were
having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all
that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!
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  #352  
Old 29.08.2008, 11:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are
interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the
basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is
that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they

enter antique stores?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'
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  #353  
Old 29.08.2008, 13:27
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce
and Bluey.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and
tell his wife.'
Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff,I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Bluey?'

'Steve's wife gave it to me,'Bluey replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
her, 'you must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'
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  #354  
Old 29.08.2008, 14:45
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A husband and wife were disagreeing with each other and the silent treatment was under way! The silence continued, when a week later the husband needed to get up at 5am to catch a business flight. His alarm clock wasn't working, and he grudgingly realized that he needed his wife to wake him up.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote down on a piece of paper, "Please wake me up at 5 tomorrow morning so I can catch my flight," and put it on her pillow before she came to bed.

The next morning he awoke to find that it was 9am, he heard his wife in the kitchen, and he had missed his flight. He noticed a note on his pillow, "It's 5am... Wake up!"


* * * * * * * * * *

Bob's greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife "Mother of Six", despite her continual objections.

One night at a cocktail party, Bob decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His irritated wife hollered back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
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  #355  
Old 31.08.2008, 14:39
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

¨
Try Korean meatballs........They're the dog's bollocks!
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  #356  
Old 01.09.2008, 12:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was
95 years old and the bride was only 23. The groom looked pretty feeble,
and some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the
old man, because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.

But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down
the main stairway slowly, step by step, and painfully bow-legged. She
finally managed to hobble to the front desk.

The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, "What happened
to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator."

"Oh my God," said the bride. "He told me that he had been saving up for
75 years... I thought he meant his money!!"
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  #357  
Old 01.09.2008, 14:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Hillbilly First Aid


Two hillbillies were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a possum burger too fast.
The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?" "Yep" said the second hillbilly.
The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin Yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin you speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no. With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and started licking her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction. And began to breathe with a great sigh of relief.
The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!
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  #358  
Old 01.09.2008, 16:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her knickers and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"

She replied “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.”
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  #359  
Old 02.09.2008, 00:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the Casino and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'


MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men are men.
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  #360  
Old 02.09.2008, 00:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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she stripped from the neck down
...but kept the bag over her head?
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