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  #361  
Old 02.09.2008, 12:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Three aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," replied the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
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  #362  
Old 02.09.2008, 12:47
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Nathan, an out-of-work young chassid, is walking near Beth Israel
Hospital in Manhattan when he sees a notice in the window of a
local shop. The notice says: -
Wanted -- an assistant for well known gynecologist
$28,000 a year, details available from Minky's Clinic

This interests Nathan, so he goes immediately to Minky's Clinic,
walks over to one of the receptionists, and quietly says, "Shalom.
I am very interested in the position advertised for a gynecologist's
assistant. Can you tell me what this assistant would have to do?"

"Well," replies the receptionist, "the role is quite a straight forward
one. You just need to get the women ready for an examination by
the gynecologist."

"So what does that entail?" asks Nathan.

"For each lady," replies the receptionist, "you first of all have to
help her undress and get her out of her underwear. Then you have
to lay her down gently on the bed and thoroughly wash her, ... to
put it bluntly, her private region. You must then apply some shaving
foam, gently shave off her pubic hair, and finish by massaging in some
soothing aromatic lavender oil. When you've done that, she is ready
for the gynecologist to examine."

"How do I apply?" asks Nathan.

"You need to go to the other end of the island for that," replies the
receptionist.

"But that's miles away," says Nathan. "Why do I have to go there? Is
that where the job is based?"

"No," replies the receptionist. "That's where the end of the line of
applicants is."
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  #363  
Old 04.09.2008, 11:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motor home as she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...
..
.
.
WIN A BAGEL.
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  #364  
Old 04.09.2008, 22:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

i didn't know where to put this, and i didn't wnat to start my own thread, sorry! but this is funny in a very bad way, no???

A Children’s Book About Animals—and Group Sex
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  #365  
Old 05.09.2008, 06:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again...' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any...
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  #366  
Old 05.09.2008, 15:43
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish
captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown
together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a
mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish Captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese!!!!'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese .... doesn't matter, you're all alike.
There's a few minutes of silence. 'No rike Jews!' the co-pilot
suddenly announces.
'Why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic.'
'Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
'Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , Iceberg, ... no mattah ... alla same.'
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  #367  
Old 05.09.2008, 17:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into Central London.
Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What
Happened, what's the hold up?'


'Terrorists have kidnapped Gordon Brown , Tony Blair and Alistair Darling .

They are asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise,
They are going to douse them with petrol and set
Them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up
A collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone
Giving?'

'About a gallon!

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  #368  
Old 08.09.2008, 11:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket
and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.


Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed
all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the
shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded
sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing
Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his
act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the
table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered
the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something.
You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?
''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
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  #369  
Old 08.09.2008, 15:20
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines." she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. "Hey, this tastes like dog $&!£ !"
Then I would say, "It IS dog $&!£
…. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
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  #370  
Old 08.09.2008, 15:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Some truly awful ones here..


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a Gas Station.....
And then the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants, you might have got disability, too'
And then the fight started.....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,' Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend, I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go
on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....


I rear-ended a car this morning, the other driver got out
of his car and you know, how sometimes you just get soooo
stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I'M NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
---------

Car salesman: Of course I¹m an honest man. it's one of the
conditions of my parole.

If something goes without saying, let it.

I don't have stress, but I may be a carrier.

He's not such a bad guy, until you get to know him.

Careful? The man wears a belt and braces. With his pyjamas.

I never drink unless I'm with someone or alone.

Life is one long process of getting tired.

I've got ulcers without being a success.

I only smoke after sex-I'm a 5 a year man.
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  #371  
Old 09.09.2008, 11:16
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mum, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mummy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mummy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mummy's dying?"

"because Uncle Harry is blowing up her balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
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  #372  
Old 09.09.2008, 20:36
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Newlyweds

The newlyweds were only married two weeks, when the
husband said to the wife, 'Honey I'm going out for a bit and I'll be right back.

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to Hank's Tavern to have a beer, Pretty
Face,' he answered.

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened
the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of
beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,
India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing
that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar...
You know...they have frozen glasses... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie
Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the
oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken
wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know there's
swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN
SH*T! SIT YOUR @SS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED AND YOUR STANKIN' @SS IS NOT GOING TO NO DAMN BAR! THAT SH*T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACK@SS?'

And..they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

MARRIED LIFE............MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP
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  #373  
Old 09.09.2008, 21:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
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  #374  
Old 09.09.2008, 22:39
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

These'll slay yez!!

What's white and can't climb trees?

A fridge!

What's white wears checked trousers and can't climb trees?

Rupert The Fridge.

What do you call a French man wearing jandals?

Phillipe Filop !!

What do people with two left feet wear in the Summer?

Flip flips !!

And last but not least,

What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?

A carrot!!



Well, it is the terrible jokes thread after all

Last edited by Delphinium Blue; 22.09.2008 at 18:46.
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  #375  
Old 09.09.2008, 23:19
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Delphinium, outstanding effort. These are by far the worst jokes on this thread.
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  #376  
Old 09.09.2008, 23:49
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a silly name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What crazy guy named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same crazy guy who named the Doberman Jesus."
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  #377  
Old 10.09.2008, 15:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Best laugh of the week!
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  #378  
Old 10.09.2008, 16:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

The teacher walked to the back of the room to ask if he was ok and saw he had his willy hanging out of his pants.

The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"

Then Johnny said, "My mum said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."
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  #379  
Old 10.09.2008, 16:59
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...
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  #380  
Old 10.09.2008, 18:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

OLD PEOPLE

We all must get old one day and old people have problems that most of
us haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day
when it was given to him.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth
out-- still no go. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she
tried too, first with both hands, then she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor lady?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but none of us could get the jar open."
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