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  #21  
Old 27.02.2008, 21:11
vwild1
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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What do you call a man in the sea with no arms or legs? Bob
Man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
Man with houses either side of him - Ali
A man with no arms and legs who likes to waterski? Skip
A man with no arms and legs at your door? Matt
A man with no arms and legs hanging from the wall? Art
His father...? Pop Art
A woman with only one leg? Ileen
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  #22  
Old 27.02.2008, 21:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What do you call a man in a bush?


Russell



What do you call a man with meat on his head?


Hamed


What do you call a man with lots of meat on his head?


Mohamed
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  #23  
Old 27.02.2008, 21:15
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?






Three,



the left ear,



the right ear


































and the final frontier.
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  #24  
Old 27.02.2008, 21:16
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Well maybe four.......Scotty his chief engineer.
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  #25  
Old 27.02.2008, 21:18
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What do you call a cowboy with no legs?

A dirty low down bum.


Where does a General keep his Armies?


Up his sleevies


What are Hippies?

Things that Leggies are joined to.


Why is the Ooh-aah bird so called?

Because it lays square eggs (borrowed from "the Good Life", when poor Margot didn't get it and wanted to laugh too!).


Elephant jokes anyone?

How do you shoot a blue Elephant?

With a blue Elephant gun.

How do you shoot a white Elephant?












Hold its nose till it turns blue, then shoot it with your blue Elephant gun.

I know loads more like that, but I'm afeared that more now would be too much in one go, besides they are pretty old, so I guess they will all have done the rounds for ever so long, so I won't.

Love cornball jokes like these, had seen quite a few of them before, but that doesn't matter, some are just so dippy and I get to laugh at them all over again, those are the good value ones I reckon.

Great stuff!!

Ros
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  #26  
Old 27.02.2008, 21:19
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What blue and s old people?



































Hyperthermia
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  #27  
Old 27.02.2008, 21:21
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Elephant jokes anyone?


How do you know if an elephant has been in the fridge???
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  #28  
Old 27.02.2008, 21:23
Delphinium Blue
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Can't resist one last one.

Why do Pirates have Buccaneers?



To keep their "Buccen" hats up...

Ros
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  #29  
Old 27.02.2008, 21:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified well-dressed,

good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000
a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar
bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the> man
calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to
see Natalie. Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a
row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there
again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third
consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session,
Natalie questioned the man.

"No one has ever hired me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's
attorney.

She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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  #30  
Old 27.02.2008, 21:36
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

.................and there's more .............................


I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now.
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me."
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days.
" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute.
"Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself," she giggled.
So I told her to off.
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  #31  
Old 27.02.2008, 22:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Email response to electric chair joke...............

In actual fact they pulse the voltage to cause fibrillation and heart action to cease.

In the past there has been cases where following some botched executions they tried increasing the voltage and hence current through the body which caused the heart muscle into extreme contraction until the power was removed - only to resume beating.

As for the joke, its pretty poor as the banana seems irrelevant...



Hello, I thought this was a joke site ......topics are covered with a sense of HUMOUR not taken literally. Also, I don't need informing how execution by electrocution works.........I know exactly what happens to the human heart when an electrical current passes through it....I've cardioverted and defibrillated quite a few people myself and seen the results.............so there !!!!!!

And of course the bloody banana is irrelevant

It's a joke, read it as such, they're funnier that way.


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  #32  
Old 28.02.2008, 10:03
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Morning chuckle

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" " Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!! Subject: Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? "Dam"


3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you "sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would
not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. (bet you start humming it)

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

Last edited by swisscath; 28.02.2008 at 12:29.
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  #33  
Old 28.02.2008, 10:12
vwild1
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
There was only 9.. you left out number 2
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  #34  
Old 28.02.2008, 10:43
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Re: terrible jokes

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[FONT=Arial][*]Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
[*]Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
[*]Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
Thanks, but you missed one

Jesus loves you, but I'm his favourite.
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  #35  
Old 28.02.2008, 11:59
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Brilliant, at last some jokes I can tell our girl.
What do you call a woman balancing ale on her head? Beatrix
Same woman playing snooker? Beatrix Potter


During an outing from the blind school, one attendant starts them on a game of football which is covered in bells. He leaves them there and goes to the pub. A member of the public comes in and asks if the supervisor is in there. Supervisor identifies himself and MOP asks him to go and sort out the carnage on the beach. Attendant states they were just playing football and everyone should be tolerant of the visually handicapped, MOP replies true, but they're kicking shit out of a morris dancer
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  #36  
Old 28.02.2008, 12:26
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Poo. I took a joke out coz it was posted yesterday....the one with a fish running into a wall, but didn't realise it then messed up pun number 10. Ta for letting me know. Maybe I'll edit it and put it back in.
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  #37  
Old 28.02.2008, 12:26
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Elephant jokes anyone?
What happens when 1 elephant climbs a tree ?




One elephant decreases from the ground.




What happens when 1 more elephant climbs the tree ?



One elephant increases on the tree.




What happens when 1 more elephant climbs the tree ?

The tree breaks!!
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  #38  
Old 28.02.2008, 12:29
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man wants to board a flight with a refridgerator chained to his hand.
He somehow boards the flight. When the plane is in the air, and hes asleep, the air hostess unchains the refridgerator and throws it out of the door.
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  #39  
Old 28.02.2008, 12:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I don't get this joke. Is a fridgidaire ?

dave


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A man wants to board a flight with a refridgerator chained to his hand.
He somehow boards the flight. When the plane is in the air, and hes asleep, the air hostess unchains the refridgerator and throws it out of the door.
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  #40  
Old 28.02.2008, 12:45
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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I don't get this joke. Is a fridgidaire ?

dave
Ah the next part of it is to be asked on the next day

A couple is by a lake when the boy gives the girl a lovely diamond ring, but it slips into the lake. The boy swims in the fetch it, but when he returns, he finds the girl is dead. What killed her ?




The fridge fell on her..
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