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  #421  
Old 23.09.2008, 16:06
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Dido, she's so hot! Who's Tamzin?

is this considered as thread hi-jacking?
I don't know about you but if we are a terrible joke ourselves
it isn't hi-jacking this thread....

Tamzin Outhwaite on my Avatar, an English actress I like a lot
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  #422  
Old 23.09.2008, 16:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

It's like the old joke....

What's the world's fastest drink?
Milk, because it's pasteurised before you see it.



What's the world's fastest food?
Scone.
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  #423  
Old 23.09.2008, 17:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Prince Charles & the Archbishop of Canterbury have almost got their way..................
British weather has been declared Muslim, It's partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite
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  #424  
Old 23.09.2008, 18:43
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Two British Expats were working for the Basel Baudepartement. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest. One expat digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole-digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it. Why do you dig a hole only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole-digger wiped their brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the one who plants the trees called in sick.
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  #425  
Old 23.09.2008, 18:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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"I can't remember where she lives!"
At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says:


.......'You mean I was here already?'
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  #426  
Old 23.09.2008, 21:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk
When the milkmanread the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she
probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify
the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I
found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean
2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful
again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'

The blonde said,'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face.
Was the Milkman's name 'Ernie'?

Here is the original from Benny Hill



Rod
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  #427  
Old 24.09.2008, 02:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Tamzin Outhwaite on my Avatar, an English actress I like a lot
Reminds me of the first appearance I saw of her (a particularly funny episode)....
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  #428  
Old 24.09.2008, 02:40
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An Italian TV film crew have gone to Sardinia to film a documentary on life in a remote mountain village.

So the presenter goes up to a friendly looking older man to ask him about rural life.

“Hello sir. Please can you tell us a story about the history of the village that brings out the warm side of community life here?”, asks the presenter.

“Oh yes. I remember a very happy time. My friend Paulo is a shepherd. One evening he came running down the mountain side shouting.. ‘Help. Help me. One of my sheep is lost on the mountain. I cannot find him’. So all the villagers went into the mountains to find his sheep. At two in the morning one of the village women shouted out into the night, ‘I have found the sheep. I have found the sheep.’
“We were all so happy. We brought the sheep down into the village and had a nice party. We were all laughing, dancing and singing and drinking.”

“Yes. That’s a lovely story.” said the presenter.

“Then we all fuc*ed the sheep.” ,finished the pensioner.

“No, no, no. We can’t use that story. Cut!”


“Okay can you think of another story where the whole village came together to help each other?”, the presenter asks.
“Hmmm. Oh yes I remember another time. A farmer from one of the hillsides, Giovanni. One evening he came running down the mountain side shouting, ‘Help me. Help me please. My donkey. He is lost on the mountain. I cannot find him’. So all the villagers went into the mountains to find his donkey. In the pitch black at midnight a voice came out from the distance, ‘I found the donkey.’
“We were all so happy. We brought the donkey down into the village square and had a nice big party. We were all so happy. We all laughed, danced, sang and drank all night.”

“Yes. What a nice story.” said the presenter.

“Then we all fuc*ed the donkey.”, the old man continued .

“No, no, no. We can’t use that story. Cut!”


So in a bid to find more suitable story, the presenter thinks for a while and then says, “Okay sir. Can you think of a time where the village all came together when something sad happened?”

After a couple of seconds the old man says, “One day I was walking in the hills and I got lost………………………….
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  #429  
Old 24.09.2008, 18:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her knickers. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.
He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.
"Go up to the road and get help," he said.
"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."
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  #430  
Old 25.09.2008, 12:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Story
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, andlaughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE PC BRITISH VERSION:The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. Britons are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Jamaican cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome" Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response to polls, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and GrasshopperAnti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the government repossesses his home. The ant moves to Spain, and starts a successful wine-exporting company. A Panorama special later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away,while the council house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Trevor Phillips is appointed to head a commission ofenquiry that will cost £10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Daily Mirror blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders,praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana plantation and terrorise the community.

THE END
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Last edited by swisscath; 25.09.2008 at 14:47. Reason: to insert spaces !!
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  #431  
Old 25.09.2008, 16:36
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart.

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine who of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?"

Dave, the American, replied,
"A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer.
"The blink of an eye...that's a very popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Eleuterio replied,
"Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's obyus to me dat da pastest ting is Diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats...

"Oh, I can expleyn sir,." said Eleuterio.
" You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the batrum, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON DA LIGHT, I had alreydi **** in my pants!"

Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.
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  #432  
Old 25.09.2008, 16:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A businessman phones home from the office and the maid answers.
"I want to speak to my wife."
Maid, "You can't she's busy."
Man, "What's she doing?"
Maid, "She's in bed with her lover."
Man, "WHAT? Oh my goodness. Okay okay. I want you to go to the cupboard under the stairs and get my shotgun."
Pause
Maid, "Alright. I've got the gun what do you want me to do now?"
Man, "Go up to the bedroom and shoot them both."
Maid, "Okay"
Sound of footsteps going up the stairs. Boom. Click. Boom.
Maid, "Okay. I've done that. What do you want me to do with the bodies?"
Man, "Erm. I hadn't thought of that. Erh dump the bodies in the swimming pool."
Maid, "What swimming pool?"
Man, "Oh hold on. Isn't this 591-63982?"
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  #433  
Old 26.09.2008, 17:15
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t!, A talking chicken!'"
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  #434  
Old 29.09.2008, 15:49
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Subject: FW: Cleaner


According to a news report, a certain private school in Bristol was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the toilets. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put
them back. Finally the head mistress decided that something had to be
done.

She called all the girls to the toilets and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it.


Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.




There are teachers.... and then there are educators...
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  #435  
Old 29.09.2008, 20:20
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A husband is at home watching a football match when his wife interrupts; “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? it's been flickering for weeks now.”

He looks at her and says angrily; “Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have 'Electrician' written on my forehead? I don't think so”

Fine!” she says. Then the wife asks, “well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right”

To which he replied, “fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have 'Fridgidaire' written on my forehead? I don't think so!”

Fine!” she says. Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? they are about to break”

I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps”, he says, '”Does it look like I have 'Carpenter” written on my forehead? I don't think so! I've had enough of this. I'm going to the pub!!!!'

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours................

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey," he asks. “How did all this get fixed?”

She said, “well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.”

He said, “so what kind of cake did you bake?”

She replied, “Hellooooo, do you see 'Mr Kipling' written on my forehead? I don't think so!”


Rod
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  #436  
Old 30.09.2008, 15:25
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED PERSON.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB; she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ARSE he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.


He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.
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  #437  
Old 01.10.2008, 13:10
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock and BB in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
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  #438  
Old 01.10.2008, 16:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
I prefer "SURGICALLY AUGMENTED"; the phrase, not the state.
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  #439  
Old 02.10.2008, 12:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The Test


I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a
year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...

It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

It had to be deliberate.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over
to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that
she had feelings and

desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got

married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you

want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up
the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a bee line
straight to the front door.

I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.

Low and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, '

We are very happy that you have passed our little test.


We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:



Always keep your condoms in your car.
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  #440  
Old 02.10.2008, 16:53
mirfield's Avatar
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock and BB in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
There's something fishy going on at Sushi bank but they are just being snide about this at the Saki bank... meanwhile it's goodbye to the Sayonara bank.


Shamelessly stolen...
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