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  #441  
Old 02.10.2008, 18:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whiskey at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now!
He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.
After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...
"I don't know where y'been laddie...but it's nice ta' know y'won first prize!"
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  #442  
Old 02.10.2008, 19:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Thank you Flashman, they are hilarious!! More wet pants in Pfäffikon!!
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  #443  
Old 03.10.2008, 14:19
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Three friends, all women, were having lunch together. One was engaged, one was a mistress, and one had been married for 25 years.

They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went:

The Engaged Friend: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

The Mistress Friend: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."

The Married Friend: "When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
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  #444  
Old 05.10.2008, 13:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Politics

Whether you are more a Democrat or a Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.

Last edited by Verbier; 05.10.2008 at 13:33. Reason: cleaned up one typo
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  #445  
Old 05.10.2008, 14:21
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said 'We sell everything'. Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, 'Do you really sell everything?' The salesperson said 'Yes, everything'.

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said 'OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?'. The salesperson said 'A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back'. Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. 'Here you go, one jumper for a chicken'

'How much?' asked Paddy.

'Three quid.' replied the salesperson.

'Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent.' said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson 'Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?'

The salesperson replied, 'Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock.'
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  #446  
Old 09.10.2008, 00:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Once upon a time, and far far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.........

The moral of the story........

Pay your bills!
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  #447  
Old 11.10.2008, 22:08
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What key will open any lock?










A pikey...
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  #448  
Old 15.10.2008, 15:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man decides to take the opportunity, while his wife is away, to paint
the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and
gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is distraught about this and asks
her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat
and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show
their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything
like this before?"

"Well yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."
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  #449  
Old 15.10.2008, 15:57
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but
I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't
possibly be mine!"

"Nonsense," the doctor said."even though you and your wife both have
black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to
the gene pool."


"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families
on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."


"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this; how often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the
past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."


"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.

"It's rust."
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  #450  
Old 15.10.2008, 16:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure to adequately manage your financial affairs,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the
Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new
Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
'-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.
English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take
into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows
that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be
used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing
someone or
speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit
will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the
same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the
British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation
on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands
will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be
sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is
a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
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  #451  
Old 16.10.2008, 23:58
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I tThink you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to hhis wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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  #452  
Old 17.10.2008, 00:04
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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  #453  
Old 17.10.2008, 10:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

GIVING 103% AT WORK
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%
Here's to achieving 103%. Here's a little
math that might prove helpful in the future!

What makes life 100%?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

equals:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only

But:
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %

However:
B U L L * * * T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
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  #454  
Old 17.10.2008, 20:06
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
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GIVING 103% AT WORK


20 8 1 14 11 19

Rod
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  #455  
Old 21.10.2008, 10:18
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

To make it stand,
You wet it!

To make it wet,
You lick it!

To make it stiff,
You suck it!

To get it in,
You push it!



Damn!



Threading a needle when you're older is a Bitch!
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  #456  
Old 21.10.2008, 10:36
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What do you call a chav in a box?

Innit.

what do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted


What do you call a chav in a locked box?

Safe.
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  #457  
Old 21.10.2008, 14:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An old gem from the Two Ronnies:

And in a packed programme tonight, we shall be meeting the brilliant top civil
servant who has got his ear to the ground, his nose to the grindstone,
his shoulder to the wheel, his eye on the clock, his hand in the till,
his back to the wall, his foot in the door and his finger on the button.

and we'll be asking him how he does his flies up.
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  #458  
Old 22.10.2008, 11:59
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Famous Last Words

* This will be a short meeting

* You can put it together yourself in five minutes

* One slice of pizza won't blow my diet

* You'll housebreak him in no time at all

* They'll feel terrific once you break them in

* We've been in business for 30 years, we're not going anywhere

* When it says "empty," there's always a gallon or two left

* If you knew anything at all, you wouldn't be a Traffic Cop

* You can make it -- that truck isn't coming all that fast

* Of course, bring the kids

* That's not poison oak

* I don't burn, I tan

* Take off your clothes, the doctor will be right with you

* Your table will be ready in 5 minutes

* Of course they're mushrooms, toadstools come to a point

* No trouble at all, don't give it a second thought

* We service what we sell

* Believe me, nobody's dressing up
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  #459  
Old 22.10.2008, 12:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
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Famous Last Words

* We've been in business for 30 years, we're not going anywhere
Reminds me of a famous British comedian Bob Monkhouse (who worked with Bob Hope in his early career)

"When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well they're not laughing now." - classic
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  #460  
Old 24.10.2008, 16:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.' 'Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?' 'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth


Rod
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