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  #461  
Old 28.10.2008, 15:36
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quite cute !!! ...

****
a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her ‘Stammerers Action’ group.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, ‘If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?’
The Englishman piped up, ‘B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham’, he said.
‘That’s no use, Trevor’ said the speech therapist, ‘Who’s next?’.
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out, ‘P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley’.
‘That’s no better. There’ll be no wild sex for you either afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy?’.
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, ‘London’.
‘That’s Brilliant, Paddy!’, said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy wild sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, ‘d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry’
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  #462  
Old 28.10.2008, 18:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books:

1.The Cat in the Blender
2.Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3.Fox In Detox
4.Who Shat in the Hat?
5.Horton Hires a Ho
6.The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7.How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8.Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9.Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10.One B1tch, Two B1tch, Dead B1tch, You B1tch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
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  #463  
Old 28.10.2008, 18:26
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Hear's one for you: Why did the chicken cross the road???
To get tothe other side HAHA!
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  #464  
Old 28.10.2008, 18:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Naaa hear's a better one for you:
Bad
Food A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand
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  #465  
Old 28.10.2008, 18:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

... was it something that made his teeth fall out ?
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  #466  
Old 28.10.2008, 19:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
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  #467  
Old 29.10.2008, 14:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the
urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but
this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably
used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then
while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99.'"

The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on
your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath
and say, '99.'"

Again, the guy says, "99."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with
this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis
to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99."

The guy begins, "One .. Two ... Three... "
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  #468  
Old 29.10.2008, 14:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Lewis Lizzard, an Alaska defense attorney, arrived home
late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of
execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder
at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and
depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife
started on him about, "What time of night to be getting
home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and
I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on..

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar
ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and
headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by
the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up
the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered
and was told that her husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted a stay of execution after all and Wright
would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a
terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the
sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and
feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight,"
she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE
OF HEAVEN, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
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  #469  
Old 31.10.2008, 11:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Hope this hasn't been posted yet. It's one of my all-time favorites:

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice.. pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
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  #470  
Old 31.10.2008, 11:58
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was go ing to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling
with20excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel
like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.
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  #471  
Old 31.10.2008, 23:57
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The bus

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'Listen mister, if you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus'
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  #472  
Old 02.11.2008, 12:57
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'This heerza special 'ccasion -- our honeymoon-- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.'

The clerk winked -- 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, 'Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to her ears til she gits used to it.'
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  #473  
Old 11.11.2008, 14:24
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that a drink? I asked. No it's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like, I said, breathlessly 'no, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'Tonight's your lucky night.'

We went back to her place. We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:



'Mom, you still awake?'
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  #474  
Old 18.11.2008, 11:52
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Never apologise by email

The 1st part is a girl's email apology to her boyfriend for cheating. 2nd is his hilarious reply .. which was forwarded to HIS entire address book and is now circulating everywhere.

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being p1ssed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.


It is weird, The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can't imagine my days without you.

It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.

Elizabeth



RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth ,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under 'L! ' for 'Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about'. You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is 'a stupid thing'; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is 'a stupid thing'; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a 'Stupid thing' as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying 'Well, I didn't F**k him' somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world 'looked funny' to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.

The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill c**-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child **** collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.

Talk to you never,

Brad
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  #475  
Old 18.11.2008, 14:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't
decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
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  #476  
Old 18.11.2008, 15:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds
like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.


10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them
up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends,
with the hope that
at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!

Last edited by oscarsmum; 18.11.2008 at 15:12. Reason: Missing words
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  #477  
Old 23.11.2008, 19:57
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote of the day:

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of ****."
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  #478  
Old 23.11.2008, 20:08
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I did not get the last bit, .... be ready to receive a ton of **** ? what's that ???

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Quote of the day:

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of ****."
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  #479  
Old 23.11.2008, 20:27
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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I did not get the last bit, .... be ready to receive a ton of **** ? what's that ???
Is that irony? sh1t
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  #480  
Old 23.11.2008, 20:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Terriblejoke

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Is that irony? sh1t
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