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  #481  
Old 23.11.2008, 20:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #482  
Old 23.11.2008, 23:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No ****?'
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  #483  
Old 23.11.2008, 23:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
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  #484  
Old 23.11.2008, 23:57
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!
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Last edited by Verbier; 24.11.2008 at 00:00. Reason: Typo
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  #485  
Old 24.11.2008, 15:10
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos (aka Lifesavers)

He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
'Red............cherry,'
'Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green..........lime,'
'Orange........orange.'
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled: 'Oh My God!!!! They're a**e-holes!!'
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  #486  
Old 24.11.2008, 23:39
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland . Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing
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  #487  
Old 25.11.2008, 21:08
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Pick up line
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?
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  #488  
Old 04.12.2008, 14:48
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits. Booze and a cigar would be nice too.
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  #489  
Old 04.12.2008, 15:58
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A good woman!

A woman’ husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?
You’ve been with me through all the bad times.

When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still, right by my side….

You know what?”

“What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.

He said, “I think you’re bad luck


First messageNo more messages
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  #490  
Old 04.12.2008, 18:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .
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  #491  
Old 05.12.2008, 19:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #492  
Old 16.12.2008, 10:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What do you call a Scotsman half in and half out of the house?


HAMISH
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  #493  
Old 31.12.2008, 12:43
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make it proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the
undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"
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  #494  
Old 07.02.2009, 16:16
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Strange but true - allegedly

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it.


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where???'


While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.


I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogramme sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half kg


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...


My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...


While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
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  #495  
Old 10.02.2009, 09:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Well here goes.... due to there being so many here, I cannot read them all so hope this doesn't repeat anything:

Subject: A Wee Scottish Tale


A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'

The man replies, 'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me'


The keeper replies,

'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!
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  #496  
Old 26.02.2009, 11:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The Ferrari Formula 1 team fires their entire pit crew.



The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Glasgow.
The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Govan and Possil Park areas of Glasgow were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, the Govan & Possil Park pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of WKD Irn Bru, a kilo of speed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower
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  #497  
Old 26.02.2009, 12:39
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Apparently the 13 year old kid that's just become a dad is joining Fathers for Justice. He doesn't care about the politics but he's made up with the Spiderman suit.
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  #498  
Old 26.02.2009, 12:45
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started....
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  #499  
Old 04.04.2009, 17:49
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,
'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,
and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued.
'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'
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  #500  
Old 04.04.2009, 17:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Good one, DP!!
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