Go Back   English Forum Switzerland > Off-Topic > Off-Topic > Jokes/funnies
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #501  
Old 04.04.2009, 17:59
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: CH
Posts: 944
Groaned at 26 Times in 21 Posts
Thanked 433 Times in 275 Posts
raincookie has a reputation beyond reputeraincookie has a reputation beyond reputeraincookie has a reputation beyond reputeraincookie has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Ageing Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.


Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
*

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Reply With Quote
  #502  
Old 04.04.2009, 18:04
Deep Purple's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: England
Posts: 5,145
Groaned at 15 Times in 14 Posts
Thanked 5,006 Times in 2,455 Posts
Deep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Equally 'terrible'.

That is going to leave a horrible impression printed on my brain though.
Reply With Quote
  #503  
Old 04.04.2009, 22:08
Deep Purple's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: England
Posts: 5,145
Groaned at 15 Times in 14 Posts
Thanked 5,006 Times in 2,455 Posts
Deep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An old man goes into a pharmacy to buy some Viagra.

"Can I have six tablets, cut into quarters please?"

"I can cut them for you" said the pharmacist, "But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."

"I am 96" said the old man "I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers."
Reply With Quote
  #504  
Old 17.04.2009, 22:57
Deep Purple's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: England
Posts: 5,145
Groaned at 15 Times in 14 Posts
Thanked 5,006 Times in 2,455 Posts
Deep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man was arrested for stealing a kitchen mixer. The Police thought that he had a speech impediment when he admitted "It was a whisk I had to take"
Reply With Quote
  #505  
Old 29.04.2009, 11:36
vwild1
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her - she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
Reply With Quote
  #506  
Old 29.04.2009, 18:15
Tim's Avatar
Tim Tim is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Herts UK
Posts: 416
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 136 Times in 80 Posts
Tim is considered knowledgeableTim is considered knowledgeableTim is considered knowledgeable
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

They say you can only catch Swine flu if you've kissed a dead pig.

Jack Tweed is apparently sh*tting himself!
Reply With Quote
  #507  
Old 29.04.2009, 18:41
Macchiato's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Zurich
Posts: 730
Groaned at 22 Times in 15 Posts
Thanked 330 Times in 218 Posts
Macchiato is considered knowledgeableMacchiato is considered knowledgeableMacchiato is considered knowledgeable
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Vote for funniest woopee!
http://soundsfunny.org/
Reply With Quote
  #508  
Old 25.05.2009, 16:10
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 3,459
Groaned at 11 Times in 11 Posts
Thanked 3,257 Times in 1,715 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Good in bed

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
__________________
Do or do not, there is no try(ing). Yoda
Reply With Quote
  #509  
Old 04.06.2009, 17:41
khawaja's Avatar
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Vevey
Posts: 197
Groaned at 4 Times in 3 Posts
Thanked 70 Times in 42 Posts
khawaja is considered knowledgeablekhawaja is considered knowledgeablekhawaja is considered knowledgeable
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Donthinkisaurus.
Reply With Quote
  #510  
Old 06.06.2009, 14:38
swisscath's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: adliswil
Posts: 464
Groaned at 2 Times in 1 Post
Thanked 579 Times in 269 Posts
swisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The spoon:Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?''Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequentlydropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?''Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?''Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Reply With Quote
  #511  
Old 13.06.2009, 18:45
Ardneham's Avatar
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Bern
Posts: 207
Groaned at 39 Times in 16 Posts
Thanked 23 Times in 20 Posts
Ardneham is considered unworthyArdneham is considered unworthyArdneham is considered unworthyArdneham is considered unworthy
Re: terrible jokes

[quote=Flashman4;180221]Thanks for the Wednesday laugh Swisscath.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

.... ..... ..... ...... but the smart worm gets up late!


Reply With Quote
  #512  
Old 14.06.2009, 10:17
swisscath's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: adliswil
Posts: 464
Groaned at 2 Times in 1 Post
Thanked 579 Times in 269 Posts
swisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

You're welcome

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1)
The woman buys the food.
(2)
The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.
(3)
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary
cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4)
The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:


(5)
THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...

(6)
The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7)
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL
AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread,
utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.

(10)
After eating, the woman clears the table and
does the dishes.

And most important of all:


(11)
Everyone PRAISESthe MANand THANKS HIM
for his cooking efforts.

(12)
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed
her 'night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction,
concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Reply With Quote
  #513  
Old 14.06.2009, 12:13
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: CH
Posts: 944
Groaned at 26 Times in 21 Posts
Thanked 433 Times in 275 Posts
raincookie has a reputation beyond reputeraincookie has a reputation beyond reputeraincookie has a reputation beyond reputeraincookie has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

How true!!!
Love it!!
Reply With Quote
  #514  
Old 14.06.2009, 13:21
Deep Purple's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: England
Posts: 5,145
Groaned at 15 Times in 14 Posts
Thanked 5,006 Times in 2,455 Posts
Deep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post

BBQ RULES
Excellent, funny and true.
Reply With Quote
  #515  
Old 14.06.2009, 13:29
Rustygraben's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Zurich
Posts: 954
Groaned at 6 Times in 5 Posts
Thanked 1,102 Times in 556 Posts
Rustygraben has a reputation beyond reputeRustygraben has a reputation beyond reputeRustygraben has a reputation beyond reputeRustygraben has a reputation beyond reputeRustygraben has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Mostly accurate, except perhaps the action marked in red above, which a majority of men would claim to be superfluous.
Reply With Quote
  #516  
Old 14.06.2009, 14:58
openid's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Bern
Posts: 495
Groaned at 13 Times in 11 Posts
Thanked 245 Times in 138 Posts
openid is considered knowledgeableopenid is considered knowledgeableopenid is considered knowledgeable
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

youngest son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potentially' and 'reality'?"
Dad: "I will show you".
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Bill Gates for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"!
Then Dad asks his daughter , if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars?
Daughter: "Wow! Yes! He is my fantasy!"
Then Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with, Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?
Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would never hesitate!"
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: "You see son, ‘Potentially’ we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in 'Reality'
We are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.

Last edited by openid; 14.06.2009 at 14:59. Reason: Formatting
Reply With Quote
  #517  
Old 14.06.2009, 16:26
HTD's Avatar
HTD HTD is offline
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Zollikerberg
Posts: 790
Groaned at 24 Times in 15 Posts
Thanked 593 Times in 315 Posts
HTD has a reputation beyond reputeHTD has a reputation beyond reputeHTD has a reputation beyond reputeHTD has a reputation beyond reputeHTD has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Easy to see a woman wrote this joke - a true man would never eat salad with his BBQ! And frankly the steak tastes better slapped between a (bread-) bun eaten standing up with a beer in the other hand than eaten from a plate swiming in the juices of badly made potatoe salad.

Quote:
View Post
You're welcome

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1)
The woman buys the food.
(2)
The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.
(3)
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary
cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4)
The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:


(5)
THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...

(6)
The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7)
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL
AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread,
utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.

(10)
After eating, the woman clears the table and
does the dishes.

And most important of all:


(11)
Everyone PRAISESthe MANand THANKS HIM
for his cooking efforts.

(12)
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed
her 'night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction,
concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Reply With Quote
  #518  
Old 14.06.2009, 16:27
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 3,459
Groaned at 11 Times in 11 Posts
Thanked 3,257 Times in 1,715 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

THE PERFECT PASSWORD


Mrs Seadog was helping Seadog set up his computer, and at
the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that
he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

Seadog was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would
try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So,
when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly
obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out
loud as he typed:

P...E...N...I...S


Mrs Seadog fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH****
__________________
Do or do not, there is no try(ing). Yoda
Reply With Quote
  #519  
Old 15.06.2009, 20:15
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 3,459
Groaned at 11 Times in 11 Posts
Thanked 3,257 Times in 1,715 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

UNDIES

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them ?

Mum said:"YOU should say, NO! They only want to look at your undies".

Susie said: "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!
Reply With Quote
  #520  
Old 15.06.2009, 20:18
grumpygrapefruit's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Mostly Zurich
Posts: 5,042
Groaned at 29 Times in 28 Posts
Thanked 12,323 Times in 3,165 Posts
grumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond reputegrumpygrapefruit has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

a bit late this one....

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't stop eating and grunting"

The doctor examines him and declares that he has swine flu. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you only have a mild strain and it won't kill you. The bad news is that the symptons will last for about another 7 days"



The main replies "What?! You mean I'll be like this for another WEEEEEEEK?"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
funnies, punography




Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
EF Challenge: Number plate cushions litespeed Transportation/driving 42 30.08.2013 23:54
Website Challenge Lob Jokes/funnies 38 01.07.2008 22:01
I think I may be making a terrible mistake !! gypsy21 Daily life 66 27.04.2007 00:09
Ski Challenge Nickj General off-topic 0 04.12.2006 13:33


All times are GMT +2. The time now is 12:22.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0