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  #521  
Old 16.06.2009, 17:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A woman runs out of petrol and phones her husband "I've run out of petrol but I daren't go to fill up because of this Swine Flu". The husband says "you daft apeth, it's in Mexico, not Texaco!"
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  #522  
Old 16.06.2009, 20:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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A woman runs out of petrol and phones her husband "I've run out of petrol but I daren't go to fill up because of this Swine Flu". The husband says "you daft apeth, it's in Mexico, not Texaco!"
Glad to see that your jokes are back to 'Terrible'

---------------------------------------------

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.... Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so MUCH that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up....

.......then all the other bells started to ring.
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  #523  
Old 19.06.2009, 18:45
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the

coffee Machine, inhales a big breathe of air, and tells her that her

hair smells nice.



After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint

to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual

Harassment grievance against him.



The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: 'What's sexually

Threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? '



The woman replies, 'It's Keith ... The midget.
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  #524  
Old 19.06.2009, 19:04
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Bit rude


Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.


Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'


Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.


'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,' Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.


A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'


Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'

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  #525  
Old 19.06.2009, 19:20
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.


Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Fishing 7.5, and Motorcycling 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cant seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. Im thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesnt work on Wife 1.0. Please help!!!!!!



THE REPLY:


Dear Troubled User:


This is due to a very common problem that generates many complaints. It is due to a primary misconception generally by male users. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to disallow this.
Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPFs are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return too normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), Trash 4.0, and Do Bills 4.2.
You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.

WARNING!!!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
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  #526  
Old 26.06.2009, 16:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]


1. Teaching maths in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for 100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for 100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for 100.
His cost of production is 80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for 100.
His cost of production is 80 and his profit is 20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of 20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling licence. He is also fined a 100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health
and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.
He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does
not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore
considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal.

His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government
agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another 100
because he is such an easy target.


When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his
wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is
arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and
fined a further 100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for 100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of
squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and
asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to
clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence.

He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the
peace and invoiced 12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a
regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make
20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the
state for the rest of his life?


7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a
loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a
derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama
and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few
million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the
biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the 1,200 road tax on his old lorry
however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations
and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it
back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send
their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and
their relatives.

If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at
the Governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to
the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger
protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the
side of his old lorry he is forced to pay 1,500 registration fees as a
gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses
are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim
the difference on expenses and allowances.


You do the maths.


8. Teaching Maths 2017


100 . =D 8

.
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  #527  
Old 01.07.2009, 16:07
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Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Got this in the email today:

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
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  #528  
Old 05.07.2009, 11:15
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied,

'now just relax and let the poison work.'
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  #529  
Old 06.07.2009, 19:16
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Why do milking stools only have three legs?




'cos the cow has the udder.
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  #530  
Old 07.07.2009, 00:24
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Why do milking stools only have three legs? 'cos the cow has the udder.
That wins this week's challenge. That is definitely terrible
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  #531  
Old 07.07.2009, 10:04
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Michael Jackson arrives at the Pearly Gates. St Peter doesn't recognise him so he asks, "What exactly did you do on earth?"
"I dressed up in funny clothes and entertained people."
"And tell me, were you ever in trouble?"
"Well, I was accused of interfering with little boys, but we paid off some and won the other court case."
"I'm sorry, father, I don't see your name down here - what parish were you in?"
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  #532  
Old 07.07.2009, 10:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
--------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in
Juan
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  #533  
Old 07.07.2009, 10:48
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I saw this thread on the EF and was surprised that there was a tournament for Hurling. Is the drink supplied as well?

Zurich Hurling Tournament
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  #534  
Old 07.07.2009, 14:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop then said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop again and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said "Your house."
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  #535  
Old 13.07.2009, 17:23
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Bird Flue vs. Swine Flu:

Question: What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?


Answer: For bird flu you need tweetment, and for swine flu you need oinkment.
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  #536  
Old 20.07.2009, 15:24
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

[Gotta love military time ]
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  #537  
Old 21.07.2009, 22:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Wasn't entirely sure where to put this ... it's a visual joke, in German ...

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  #538  
Old 21.07.2009, 22:19
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

It's amazing what you can find in the children's section of the library, isn't it?
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  #539  
Old 21.07.2009, 22:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

On reflection, should post this one as well ... not sure whether it has been done before, but worth a second run anyway ... names have been changed to generalise the joke, and remove accusations of racism ...

Two farmers had finished a long morning's work harvesting, and had hitched the wagon full of potatoes to the back of their tractor. They started driving across the fields towards the market, keen to sell their produce. The sun is well past midday, and on its way down, so they're a little concerned about getting to the market in time.

"Perhaps we should drive on the road, to make better time?" Michael suggests.

"It's not that safe, is it, the way some of those tourists drive?" Patrick responds doubtfully.

"Come on, Patrick, there's no way we'll make it in time across the fields - we'll have to risk it!" Michael urges.

Patrick sighs and turns through a gap in the hedge to join the road, driving along the centre to avoid damaging the hedges to either side. The speed picks up, and they're both confident of getting to market on time now.

Suddenly, around a blind corner, a speeding car appears! It tries to brake, then swerves wildly and completely loses control. It spins to the side of the road, hits a fallen trunk and flips over the hedge, landing in a burning heap in the middle of the field the two farmers had just left. Stunned, they look at each other.

"Well, Michael, looks like we got out of that field just in time!"
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  #540  
Old 21.07.2009, 22:31
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Wasn't entirely sure where to put this ... it's a visual joke, in German ...

Surely that belongs in one of Brightonite's threads??
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