Go Back   English Forum Switzerland > Off-Topic > Off-Topic > Jokes/funnies
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #541  
Old 17.08.2009, 22:59
Rob's Avatar
Rob Rob is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Baden AG
Posts: 392
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 358 Times in 181 Posts
Rob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of many
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Sale at Cabela's (American outdoor store)

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb. test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally f*rts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies,"Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
__________________
We fought them until Hell froze over. And then played hockey on the ice.
Reply With Quote
  #542  
Old 06.09.2009, 01:21
Rob's Avatar
Rob Rob is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Baden AG
Posts: 392
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 358 Times in 181 Posts
Rob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of many
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

Claude was never invited back to entertain.
__________________
We fought them until Hell froze over. And then played hockey on the ice.
Reply With Quote
  #543  
Old 06.09.2009, 02:26
adaml's Avatar
Newbie 1st class
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: luzern
Posts: 23
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
adaml has made some interesting contributions
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Again sorry if this is a repeat but it does deserve repeating...

==The Top 10 funniest jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2009==

1) Dan Antopolski – "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"


2) Paddy Lennox – "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'"


3) Sarah Millican – "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."


4) Zoe Lyons – "I went on a girl's night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill.' I went as Rose West."


5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending."


6) Adam Hills – "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."


7) Marcus Brigstocke – "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"


8) Rhod Gilbert – "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble".


9) Dan Antopolski – "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."


10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) – "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."


==Some of the jokes which just missed out on making the top ten include:==
Tom Wrigglesworth - "I'm on the cusp of getting married. Well, I'm engaged to be harassed."


Edward Aczel - "Machiavelli said, 'It is better to be feared than to be loved, if you cannot be both.' Something to bear in mind when you embark on internet dating."


Adam Hills - "Watching the global financial crisis unfold is rather like watching my dad being molested by a clown. I know it's going to affect me, I am just not entirely sure how."


Phil Nichol - "A lot of people say I'm egocentric – but enough about them."


==Some of the worst jokes told at this year's Fringe include:==
Stephen Carlin – "There are so many 'failed train' announcements at stations these days. It's not rolling stock, it's laughing stock."


Celia Pacquola – "My mind is like a cement mixer. It's grey, thick and always moving."


Rhys Darby – "I don't believe in guns. Literally; I don't believe they exist."


Frank Woodley – "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."


Anna and Katy - "I dated a woman from the Chinese State Circus. One time I took her upstairs for a 69. She said, 'I'm not cooking at this time of night.'"


Alex Maple – "Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children."


Phil Nichol – "She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase – minging."


Denise Van Outen – "A brunette, a red-head and a blonde break out of Holloway Prison. They hide in a barn from the police and get into some sacks. The police come in and feel the sack with the brunette in it - she goes 'miaow'! They go on to feel the sack with the red-head in it - she goes 'woof!' Finally they feel the sack with the blonde in it. The Blonde shouts: potatoes!"


Alistair McGowan - "I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more..."
Reply With Quote
  #544  
Old 12.09.2009, 10:53
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 3,459
Groaned at 11 Times in 11 Posts
Thanked 3,257 Times in 1,715 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

EXTRA HOT CHILLI !

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the veranda. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.

I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing
their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the dunnies which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel
terrible, but then made me laugh.

.....BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the mens room, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal arsplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-b1tch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

B@stards claim they're going to have to repaint the store!!!
__________________
Do or do not, there is no try(ing). Yoda
Reply With Quote
  #545  
Old 12.09.2009, 11:02
swisscath's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: adliswil
Posts: 464
Groaned at 2 Times in 1 Post
Thanked 579 Times in 269 Posts
swisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Good job I didn't have anything spicy for my dinner last night......my nether regions would also have been having explosive issues bursting forth with me laughing so much.


Quote:
View Post
EXTRA HOT CHILLI !

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the veranda. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.

I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing
their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the dunnies which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel
terrible, but then made me laugh.

.....BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the mens room, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal arsplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-b1tch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

B@stards claim they're going to have to repaint the store!!!
Reply With Quote
  #546  
Old 12.09.2009, 13:17
Deep Purple's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: England
Posts: 5,145
Groaned at 15 Times in 14 Posts
Thanked 5,006 Times in 2,455 Posts
Deep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Doctors have advised that the condition of the American man who thought he was a town is worsening. He is working himself into a state.
Reply With Quote
  #547  
Old 16.09.2009, 22:02
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 3,459
Groaned at 11 Times in 11 Posts
Thanked 3,257 Times in 1,715 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The Police do care:


The Lexington , Kentucky Police Department
reports finding a man's body in the Kentucky River
just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge ..

The dead man's name will not be released until his family
has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol
consumption. He was wearing black fishnet
stockings, a red garter belt, a pink
g-string, a strap-on dildo, purple
lipstick, and an Obama t-shirt. He also had
a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family
any unnecessary embarrassment.

The Police do care.
__________________
Do or do not, there is no try(ing). Yoda
Reply With Quote
  #548  
Old 14.10.2009, 12:28
Rob's Avatar
Rob Rob is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Baden AG
Posts: 392
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 358 Times in 181 Posts
Rob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of many
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

FISHING WITH JACK DANIELS

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog. A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that darn snake with two frogs in his mouth.
__________________
We fought them until Hell froze over. And then played hockey on the ice.
Reply With Quote
  #549  
Old 24.10.2009, 20:09
Deep Purple's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: England
Posts: 5,145
Groaned at 15 Times in 14 Posts
Thanked 5,006 Times in 2,455 Posts
Deep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I've got Gammon Flu now! I've already had swine flu but the hospital cured me!
Reply With Quote
  #550  
Old 26.10.2009, 21:57
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 3,459
Groaned at 11 Times in 11 Posts
Thanked 3,257 Times in 1,715 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A guy walks into a bar in Idaho (Oh just fill it in with anyplace you feel is appropriate) and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us.
__________________
Do or do not, there is no try(ing). Yoda
Reply With Quote
  #551  
Old 27.10.2009, 17:57
swisscath's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: adliswil
Posts: 464
Groaned at 2 Times in 1 Post
Thanked 579 Times in 269 Posts
swisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond reputeswisscath has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."
And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all, Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
to which he whirled around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Reply With Quote
  #552  
Old 28.11.2009, 18:32
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 3,459
Groaned at 11 Times in 11 Posts
Thanked 3,257 Times in 1,715 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A little on the dark side
Attached Thumbnails
repertoire-terrible-jokes-i-challenge-you-cid_76cf4eddc6e44c19a592eccc51c65466-plumbs.jpg  
Reply With Quote
  #553  
Old 28.11.2009, 21:25
Rob's Avatar
Rob Rob is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Baden AG
Posts: 392
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 358 Times in 181 Posts
Rob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of many
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Reply With Quote
  #554  
Old 28.11.2009, 21:31
Rob's Avatar
Rob Rob is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Baden AG
Posts: 392
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 358 Times in 181 Posts
Rob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of many
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?", asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.. but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at The bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey.. at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?...

"LISTEN UP CHICKEN ****, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT **** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

And, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
__________________
We fought them until Hell froze over. And then played hockey on the ice.
Reply With Quote
  #555  
Old 17.12.2009, 16:41
higgybaby's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Zurich
Posts: 992
Groaned at 44 Times in 28 Posts
Thanked 765 Times in 397 Posts
higgybaby has a reputation beyond reputehiggybaby has a reputation beyond reputehiggybaby has a reputation beyond reputehiggybaby has a reputation beyond reputehiggybaby has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Some festive ones :

*When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

*What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite

*What's the best thing to give your parents for Christmas? - A list of everything you want!

*Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous? - Holly-wood.

*What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? - It's Christmas, Eve

*Why was Santa's little helper depressed? - Because he had low elf esteem.

*Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year as well.

*Three phrases that sum up Christmas are:
-Peace on Earth,
-Goodwill to Men, and
-Batteries not included.

*What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitus"

*Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? "You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit"

*What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman? "Have an ice day."

*Knock Knock
-Who's There?
-Doughnut.
-Doughnut who?
-Doughnut open until Christmas.
Reply With Quote
  #556  
Old 17.12.2009, 19:12
Deep Purple's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: England
Posts: 5,145
Groaned at 15 Times in 14 Posts
Thanked 5,006 Times in 2,455 Posts
Deep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
Some festive ones :
Have you been pulling the Christmas crackers a bit early this year to get all the jokes out?
Reply With Quote
  #557  
Old 13.01.2010, 15:56
higgybaby's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Zurich
Posts: 992
Groaned at 44 Times in 28 Posts
Thanked 765 Times in 397 Posts
higgybaby has a reputation beyond reputehiggybaby has a reputation beyond reputehiggybaby has a reputation beyond reputehiggybaby has a reputation beyond reputehiggybaby has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Q. What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A. A zebra.
Reply With Quote
  #558  
Old 13.01.2010, 16:03
Jaro's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Rafz (ZH)
Posts: 1,319
Groaned at 94 Times in 72 Posts
Thanked 624 Times in 343 Posts
Jaro has a reputation beyond reputeJaro has a reputation beyond reputeJaro has a reputation beyond reputeJaro has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Knock, Knock!





Who’s There?





Little boy blue.




Little boy blue who?








Michael Jackson!
Reply With Quote
  #559  
Old 13.01.2010, 16:23
Web Walker
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Why does an elephant have four feet?

because it would look stupid with only six inches...
Reply With Quote
  #560  
Old 13.01.2010, 16:25
Web Walker
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

what do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug.

what do you call a man surrounded by rabbits? Warren
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
funnies, punography




Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 2 (0 members and 2 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
EF Challenge: Number plate cushions litespeed Transportation/driving 42 30.08.2013 23:54
Website Challenge Lob Jokes/funnies 38 01.07.2008 22:01
I think I may be making a terrible mistake !! gypsy21 Daily life 66 27.04.2007 00:09
Ski Challenge Nickj General off-topic 0 04.12.2006 13:33


All times are GMT +2. The time now is 12:14.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0