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  #561  
Old 13.01.2010, 21:39
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!
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  #562  
Old 17.01.2010, 23:48
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Blonde's Year in Review


January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.......wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.......isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
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  #563  
Old 27.01.2010, 00:31
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What did O.J.Simpson say after his trial?

Can I have my gloves back?
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  #564  
Old 27.01.2010, 00:36
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Man: "Can you tell me how I can get to the cemetery as quick as possible?"
Bus driver: "Yes, sure! Just lie down in front of my bus!"
__________________________________________________ _________

Guest: "Waiter! How long will it take until I get the Russian eggs?"
Waiter: "We have caught the Russian already, but he still resists!"

__________________________________________________ _________

Husband: Honey, you should tell me when you have an orgasm.
Wife: but darling, I cannot disturb you at work everyday?!
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  #565  
Old 27.01.2010, 01:03
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Why are dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them
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  #566  
Old 27.01.2010, 01:06
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

True story happened to me

Expecting parents "we would like to discuss circuncising our child after he is born"
Stressed Swiss GP "Do you know if you are having a boy or girl?"
Expecting Parents " Umm we wouldn't circumcise a girl, Is it different in Switzerland?"
Stressed Swiss GP "Did I just say that?"
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  #567  
Old 27.01.2010, 01:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Why God made blond women so beautiful?
so men would like them.
And why God made them so stupid?
so they could like men.
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  #568  
Old 27.01.2010, 01:25
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!
When do you know if its time to do the washing up and clean the house?
Look inside your pants if a penis is there it isnt time.
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  #569  
Old 27.01.2010, 14:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pie.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian ..

3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are looking into it.

9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

10. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

11. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

12. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

13. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

14. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects
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  #570  
Old 27.01.2010, 14:21
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Don't wear open-toed sandals - it's just not fair on the toads.

I thought my nose was bleeding, but it's not.
.
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  #571  
Old 10.02.2010, 11:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Too many pages to check to see if this has been posted before, but here goes.
FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-


1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the
counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge


Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest
ways in which
they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table
manners and overall behavior.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all
the answers.

Test 3 - Nights


To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some
other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to
sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children


1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang
out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of
used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours
come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your
sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old


1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.
Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean
walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor
& leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers


1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important
Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.


Test 13 - Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve
while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a
child in the room.


Test 14 - Getting ready for work


1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
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  #572  
Old 10.02.2010, 12:18
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
Too many pages to check to see if this has been posted before, but here goes.
FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-


1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the
counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge


Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest
ways in which
they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table
manners and overall behavior.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all
the answers.

Test 3 - Nights


To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some
other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to
sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children


1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang
out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of
used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours
come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your
sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old


1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.
Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean
walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor
& leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers


1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important
Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.


Test 13 - Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve
while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a
child in the room.


Test 14 - Getting ready for work


1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!
good one...I hear it is not far from truth from those who have kids
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  #573  
Old 10.02.2010, 12:43
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

"Just driving my new Toyota Prius. Chat later, can't stop..."
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  #574  
Old 17.02.2010, 14:01
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The only cow in a small town in Southland stopped giving milk...

The town folk found they could buy a cow from Taranaki quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from Taranaki and it was wonderful, produced lots of
milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd
never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull
tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise,
tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he
approaches from the back, she moves forward", they said. "When he
approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the
one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow from Taranaki ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they
had brought the cow down from Tranaki ...

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow
rom Taranaki?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, " My wife is from
Taranaki.."
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  #575  
Old 17.02.2010, 14:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A bloke rang the operator to get in touch with an old friend, Dave Jones.

"Sorry", said the operator. "There's several Dave Jones' listed. Do you have a street name?"

"Well," said the bloke "Sometimes people do call me Ice Man..."
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  #576  
Old 17.02.2010, 14:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

how does bob marley like his doughnuts?

With jamin
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  #577  
Old 17.02.2010, 15:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

the one where the Queen & Princess Anne are victims of a robbery. Before they get out of the motor the Queen tells Anne to stash the jewels in an intimate cavity on her person. Of course, they haven't got any cash so the robbers take the motor.

punchline, the Queen: if Fergie had been with us, we could have saved the Daimler too!
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  #578  
Old 17.02.2010, 21:06
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Bud Light Clothing Drive
http://link.brightcove.com/services/...id=63259762001
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  #579  
Old 19.02.2010, 12:43
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note "This Invoice is one year old"

He got his Invoice back with a note that read "Happy Birthday!"
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  #580  
Old 19.02.2010, 13:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I sometimetimes enjoy reminiscing....thinking about those days of going to school.....playing football in the playground...sneaking a quick cigarette every now and then.... getting to fondle the girls behind the bike shed..

Do you know?..... I think that school caretaker's job was the best one I ever had!

Last edited by Tim; 19.02.2010 at 13:40.
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