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  #41  
Old 28.02.2008, 12:49
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was
submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
brought it home

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it could not be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,
right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no
possible way!"


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I will do my
best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as if to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat
was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do
it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I cannot
be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my
wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they
up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I am still looking for my testicles. I
am offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock
Tommy

[/font]
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  #42  
Old 28.02.2008, 13:22
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Ah the next part of it is to be asked on the next day

A couple is by a lake when the boy gives the girl a lovely diamond ring, but it slips into the lake. The boy swims in the fetch it, but when he returns, he finds the girl is dead. What killed her ?




The fridge fell on her..
I still don't get it.

Anyway, why do African elephants have big ears?






Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom...
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  #43  
Old 28.02.2008, 14:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What's cold and white and wears checked trousers? Rupert the fridge.
Spanish firefighter had twin sons. Jose and joseb (hose A hose B)
Two nuns are in the shower one says 'where's the soap' the other replies 'yes it does'. (wears for the hard of thinking)
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  #44  
Old 28.02.2008, 22:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Brilliant, at last some jokes I can tell our girl.
What do you call a woman balancing ale on her head? Beatrix
Same woman playing snooker? Beatrix Potter
Have some more?

Why is an Elephant big, Grey and wrinkly ?

Cos if he was small, white and round,,,, he'd be an Aspirin.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the Elephants coming over the hill ?

"Here come the Elephants!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the Elephants coming over the hill, wearing sunglasses ?




Nothing! He didn't recognise them!


What's yellow and thick ?

very stupid Custard.


What's yellow and dangerous ?

Shark infested Custard.


Ros
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  #45  
Old 28.02.2008, 23:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

If you through a red bucket into the black sea, what whould it be??












Wet....
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  #46  
Old 28.02.2008, 23:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them
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  #47  
Old 29.02.2008, 11:16
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.


"Top of the mornin to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are dey for." inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."
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  #48  
Old 29.02.2008, 19:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I know its a bit old, but it still makes me laugh !!!

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and
the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible uckers;
they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go
to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned
a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys
who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise,
there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly
the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she
ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the
sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame
that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking
brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters
without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack
in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life
in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
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  #49  
Old 02.03.2008, 11:45
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay,the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awfulthat he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the
contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another her ten feet, turns and waves, and
repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...



(Are you ready for this?)

Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
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  #50  
Old 04.03.2008, 18:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An ventriloquist visiting the country sees a local Farmer, sitting
>in front of his farm, patting his dog.
>He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Farmer "Can I talk
>to your dog?"
>Farmer: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"
>Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?
>Dog: "Doing alright"
>Farmer: (Look of extreme shock)
>Ventriloquist: "Is this Farmer your owner?" (Pointing at the Farmer)
>Dog: "Yep"
>Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
>Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
>takes me to the hills once a week to play"
>Farmer: (Look of disbelief)
>Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
>Farmer: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.. .. .. I think!!"
>Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
>Horse: "Cool"
>Farmer: (Absolutely dumfounded)
>Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Farmer)
>Horse: "Yep"
>Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
>Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
>me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"
>Farmer: (Total look of amazement)
>Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
>Farmer: (In a panic) "The sheep's a liar
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  #51  
Old 04.03.2008, 18:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A tramp finds a five pound note in the street.

He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a four pack of Carlsberg Special.

After duly knocking back the lager the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway.

About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp.

Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps trousers and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter.

As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramp’s hand.

Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver.

Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another four pack of Carlsberg Special.

Yet again he downs the lager and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway.

The following morning the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp.

Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching.

Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.

Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence.

This goes on for a week until the Sunday morning when the tramp goes into the Off Licence and asks for a four pack of Guinness.

The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramp’s usual habits, asks why he is buying Guiness this time to which the tramp responds, “I quite like the Carlesberg Special but it doesn’t half make my arse sore.”
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  #52  
Old 08.03.2008, 09:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?
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  #53  
Old 08.03.2008, 10:43
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Re: terrible jokes

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Thanks, but you missed one

Jesus loves you, but I'm his favourite.
Jesus Saves.




















But he makes a lousy centre forward.
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  #54  
Old 08.03.2008, 22:45
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Re: terrible jokes

Some more Zug bounds' girly.

How do you top a car?

You tep on the brake toopid!


Where do you weigh a whale?

At the whale weigh station!!


and last, but by no means least my, I mean my Kids favourite,


Where do you weigh a pie?





♫ Some where,,,, over the rainbow,,, way up high.......♫


*shuffle shuffle* Exiting stage left. *shuffle shuffle*

Ros
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  #55  
Old 09.03.2008, 12:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

DEMOCRATIC
> > You have two cows.
> > Your neighbor has none.
> > You feel guilty for being successful.
> > Barbara Streisand sings for you.
> >
> > REPUBLICANISM
> > You have two cows.
> > Your neighbor has none.
> > So?
> >
> > SOCIALIST
> > You have two cows.
> > The government takes one and gives it to your
> > neighbor.
> > You form a cooperative to tell him how to
> > manage his cow.
> >
> > COMMUNIST
> > You have two cows.
> > The government seizes both and provides you
> > with milk.
> > You wait in line for hours to get it.
> > It is expensive and sour.
> >
> > CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
> > You have two cows.
> > You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of
> > cows.
> >
> > BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
> > You have two cows.
> > Under the new farm program the government pays
> > you to shoot one, milk
> > the other, and then pours the milk down the
> > drain.
> >
> > AMERICAN CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do
> > an IPO on the 2nd one.
> > You force the two cows to produce the milk of
> > four cows. You are
> > surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an
> > announcement to the
> > analysts stating you have downsized and are
> > reducing expenses.
> > Your stock goes up.
> >
> > FRENCH CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > You go on strike because you want three cows.
> > You go to lunch and drink wine.
> > Life is good.
> >
> > JAPANESE CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > You redesign them so they are one-tenth the
> > size of an ordinary cow and
> > produce twenty times the milk.
> > They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded
> > trains.
> > Most are at the top of their class at cow
> > school.
> >
> > GERMAN CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > You engineer them so they are all blonde, drink
> > lots of beer, give
> > excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles
> > an hour.
> > Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of
> > vacation per year.
> >
> > ITALIAN CORPORATION
> > You have two cows but you don't know where they
> > are.
> > While ambling around, you see a beautiful
> > woman.
> > You break for lunch.
> > Life is good.
> >
> > RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > You have some vodka.
> > You count them and learn you have five cows.
> > You have some more vodka.
> > You count them again and learn you have 42
> > cows.
> > The Mafia shows up and takes over however many
> > cows you really have.
> >
> > TALIBAN CORPORATION
> > You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are
> > two.
> > You don't milk them because you cannot touch
> > any creature's private
> > parts.
> > You get a $40 million grant from the US
> > government to find alternatives
> > to milk production but use the money to buy
> > weapons.
> >
> > IRAQI CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > They go into hiding.
> > They send radio tapes of their mooing.
> >
> > POLISH CORPORATION
> > You have two bulls.
> > Employees are regularly maimed and killed
> > attempting to milk them.
> >
> > BELGIAN CORPORATION
> > You have one cow.
> > The cow is schizophrenic.
> > Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other
> > times he's Flemish.
> > The Flemish cow won't share with the French
> > cow.
> > The French cow wants control of the Flemish
> > cow's milk.
> > The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
> > The cow dies happy.
> >
> > FLORIDA CORPORATION
> > You have a black cow and a brown cow.
> > Everyone votes for the best looking one.
> > Some of the people who actually like the brown
> > one best accidentally
> > vote for the black one.
> > Some people vote for both.
> > Some people vote for neither.
> > Some people can't figure out how to vote at
> > all.
> > Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell
> > you which one you think
> > is the best-looking cow.
> >
> > CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
> > You have millions of cows.
> > They make real California cheese.
> > Only five speak English. Most are illegals.
> > Arnold likes the ones with
> > the big udders.
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  #56  
Old 09.03.2008, 12:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Another variation of that one, dating back to the time Enron went bust:

Big bucks in the bull market

In case you were wondering how Enron came into so much trouble, here is an explanation reputedly given by a Texas A&M professor to explain it in terms his students could understand.

Capitalism

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Capitalism

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more.

Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in assets is declaring bankruptcy?
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  #57  
Old 25.03.2008, 08:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What do you get after playing the lute for 10 hours straight ? ..........




Minstrel cramps

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  #58  
Old 25.03.2008, 09:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

That reminds me...

What's red and white and sits in a tree?






A sanitary owl.
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  #59  
Old 25.03.2008, 10:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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That reminds me...

What's red and white and sits in a tree?






A sanitary owl.

feminine hygeine jokes are the lowest form of humour ..





period !!
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  #60  
Old 25.03.2008, 11:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

How do you identify a new-age, independent woman?







She rolls her own tampons
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