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  #581  
Old 19.02.2010, 13:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I had to quit my job at the Helium plant. No-one's going to talk to me in that tone of voice.
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  #582  
Old 19.02.2010, 13:39
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when
communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.


TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.


TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?


TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible..

INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.


TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!


TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.


TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.


TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?


TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.


TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?


TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.


TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.


TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.


TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.


TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.


TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.


TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?


TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.


Thank You,
Human Resources
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  #583  
Old 19.02.2010, 13:47
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational ... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

If these two banks merge, it, like all the rest, will be run by 'bloody w*nkers'
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  #584  
Old 19.02.2010, 13:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Why God doesnít have a PhD
  1. He only had one major publication
  2. It was in Hebrew
  3. It had no references
  4. It wasnít published in a refereed journal
  5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself
  6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
  7. His co-operative efforts have been quite limited
  8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results
  9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects
  10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning his subjects (Noah)
  11. When subjects didnít behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample (Gomorrah)
  12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book
  13. Some say he had his son teach the class
  14. He expelled his first two students for learning
  15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests
  16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top
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  #585  
Old 19.02.2010, 13:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Google Search.
Attached Thumbnails
repertoire-terrible-jokes-i-challenge-you-google-knickers.jpg   repertoire-terrible-jokes-i-challenge-you-google-search.jpg  
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  #586  
Old 19.02.2010, 13:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The difference B/W secretary and Private secretary?
Secretary: Good morning sir.
Pvt. Secretary: Its morning sir.


What similar thingz do u prefer in your Coffee & your girlfriend?
1. Should be hot.
2. Should be rich
3. Creamy
4. and able to keep u awake all night.

Advantages of breast milk....
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available when necessary.
4. Available in attractive containers. Hhmmmmm.


What is the closest thing to a woman's period??
Your salary...it comes once a month lasts for about 3 or 4 dayz, and if
it doesn't come.... u r screwed.

Virginity is like a balloon...one prick, and its gone forever..
Sex is like a pack of Pringles...once u pop, u cant stop.
Life is like a dick..when its hard..IT ****S.


Why do girlz talk more and guyz think more?
Cause Girlz have four lips and guyz have two heads.
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  #587  
Old 19.02.2010, 14:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I got arrested by the police last night for knocking my missus about.

They said to me "why do you keep beating her?"

'Well" I replied, "I don't think it's any one thing, but my longer reach, better footwork and weight advantage could all be factors"
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  #588  
Old 19.02.2010, 14:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain outthere!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember
about threemonths ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into thepoundingrain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband (soaking wet)

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband..

'Over here on the swing!' replied the drunk.
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  #589  
Old 19.02.2010, 14:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

When I do surveys I sometimes am amazed by how similar many of the responses are.

For example, once I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering.

98 of them screamed, wrapped the shower curtain around themselves and threatened to call the police!
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  #590  
Old 19.02.2010, 15:36
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus.

Santa has only 3 Ho's.
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  #591  
Old 15.03.2010, 18:00
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One year, a man doesn’t know what to buy his mother-in-law for her 70th birthday, so he buys her a large plot in her family's cemetery. The following year, he buys her nothing for her birthday and his wife is quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness to her mother.
"So, why didn’t you buy her something?" she snaps at him.
"Well, she hasn’t used the gift I gave her last year," he replies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mavis meets her friend Ada after she learns of Betty's husband passing away.
She asks Ada, "So I heard Len died last week. How did it happen?"
"Well I was cooking dinner and I asked Len to get me a cabbage from the garden.", Ada explained, "And then he fell down stone dead in the vegetable patch."
"Oh.", Mavis gasps, "That's awful. Whatever did you do?"
"I opened a tin of peas instead."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new male resident joins an old people's home.
He is sitting in the day room when an old widow approached him and asked, "Hello, you're new here aren't you? Where have you come from?"
"I've been in prison for the last 17 years", he replied.
"17 years, What were you in prison for?", the woman answers.
"I murdered my, wife", he exclaims.
"Oooh, are you single then?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a cup final day a massive crowd is approaching Wembley when a funeral procession goes past. Seeing this, one man takes his hat off and stands to attention for a moment before walking on.
'That was a nice thing to do,' says his mate.
'Well,' said the man, 'she was a good wife to me.'
------------------------------------------------------------
A woman visits her widowed friend a few weeks after the funeral of her husband.
The woman asks what the widow did with the ashes following the cremation.
She says she put the ashes into an egg timer which sits in the kitchen.
Puzzled, she asks why her friend chose an egg timer.
"Well he didn't do any bloody work around the house when he was alive, so he can do some now."
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  #592  
Old 15.03.2010, 18:04
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The problem with Michael Jackson jokes, is that they always end up being puns on the lyrics. And that's bad.
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  #593  
Old 15.03.2010, 18:18
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I went to the zoo recently, but it's only got one animal and that's a dog.

It's a Shih Tzu.
.
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  #594  
Old 15.03.2010, 19:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A teacher asks her class. "Ten birds are sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one. How many are left?" "None," answers little Ole, "They would all fly away when the hunter fired his gun." "That's not the answer I was looking for," says the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

At the end of the day the boy tells the teacher, "Now I've got a question for you: Three women are eating an ice cream cone. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking the ice cream, and the third is sucking on the bottom of the cone. Which one is married?" "I suppose the one sucking on the cone," the teacher answers after thinking awhile. The boy answers, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking."
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  #595  
Old 22.03.2010, 17:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland ...

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign.

Only in Britain ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain ... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

RULE BRITANNIA
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  #596  
Old 22.03.2010, 17:46
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Tips received from an obviously frustrated HR specialist based on real life experiences.

How to look for a job.

1. A picture says more than a thousand words; therefore always attach at least 7 facebook style party photos to your CV.
2. If you are in your 40s then a recommendation letter from your high school teacher tells us a lot. Add one from mum as well.
3. Of course you should list absolutely each and every job you have ever done, including sorting onions for 2 weeks when you were in the 7th grade. Especially if the job you are appying for has absolutely nothing to do with onions.
4. The reason for leaving each and every job should be: didn't suit me.
5. Use a random email address. hotChick69 @ hotmail.com certainly makes you look like a professional..something..
6. ask for the interview to be scheduled for 7.30AM, because you really can't make it later. Don't show up, don't pick up your phone or call to explain. Send your CV again in 2 days.
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  #597  
Old 22.03.2010, 18:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What is a perfect day for a woman?

While enjoying breakfast, she sees:

1. A picture of her daughter on the front page of the Wall Street Journal
2. A picture of her son on a Wheaties box
3. A picture of her lover on the cover of Playgirl magazine
4. A picture of her husband on the back of a milk carton
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  #598  
Old 22.03.2010, 20:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland ...
Oh, so true

Which EF member was talking to them I wonder?
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  #599  
Old 25.03.2010, 23:47
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

wooooooooow its so funny
thank u so much
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  #600  
Old 27.03.2010, 00:21
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A Blonde is walking her two dogs down the street. A bloke stops her and asks "Are those Jack Russells?"
"No, they're mine" she says.......
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