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  #641  
Old 02.07.2010, 16:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The village I'm from has this strange rule that, if you live in the
village, you're not allowed to be buried in the local graveyard.

They insist on waiting until you're dead...
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  #642  
Old 06.07.2010, 18:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Postman Pat was retiring after 20 years on the same round.

Word got around the neighbourhood, so a lot of the folk decided to give him gifts.

His first stop of the morning, he got some home-made scones and £20.00. A little while later, a woman gave him an apple cake, a nice card and £50.00. And so it went on all morning. Postman Pat couldn't believe his luck and was very grateful for all his retirement gifts.

On his last stop of the morning he went up to the front door of a big house and as he's about to put the letters in the letterbox a beautiful blonde opens the door, dressed in a very sexy teddy negligée. She grabbed Pat by the arm and dragged him into the house.

A breakfast fit for a king was all laid out on the kitchen table. After Pat finished eating, she led him upstairs into the bedroom and gave him the sh@g of his life!

Later at the door as he was about to leave, she pressed a pound coin into his hand and wished him luck. He almost left, but then he turned because he had to ask: "Excuse me, please don't get me wrong, I really appreciate everything. The breakfast was the best I've ever eaten, and what happened upstairs, I'll never forget that. But I've got to ask, why did you just give me a pound?"

"Well", the woman explained, "last night I was telling my husband that today was your last day after 20 years, and he said ' F*** him. Give him a pound.' "

"...but the breakfast was my idea."
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  #643  
Old 07.07.2010, 17:22
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

a stammerer found a dead horse on the street. He immediately calls the police
- th. the .there is is is aaaa aaa aa dd ddead hhho hhoo rse iiin iin the st st street!
- where? on Bahnhofstrasse?
- nnn nnn ...nooo nno
- call later when you can pronounce it
(he kept like this for 30min without being able to give the street's name)
but during the last call....
- th. the .there is is is aaaa aaa aa dd ddead hhho hhoo rse iiin iin the st st street!
- where? on Bahnhofstrasse?
- yyy yyy yye yyy yes!
- why didn't you say so from beginning?
- I I I..mo moved th the hoo horse!
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Last edited by MrVertigo; 07.07.2010 at 18:49. Reason: typo
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  #644  
Old 09.07.2010, 14:03
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82....





I'm easily lead.
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  #645  
Old 29.07.2010, 17:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts, "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself.." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
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  #646  
Old 16.08.2010, 19:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Swisscom: "How may we help you?"

Customer: "I have a big problem with my phone bill. My wife, she thinks I might be having an affair!"

Swisscom: "Okay sir, and how can we help you with this?"

Customer: "My bill has all these calls to Salulah and my wife thinks I am having an affair with this woman, but I've never heard of her before. You must please trace these calls for me."

Swisscom: "Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell you the name of the person you're calling, just their number."

Customer: "This one does."

Swisscom: "What phone do you have, sir?"

Customer: "A mobile. I already told you this."

Swisscom: "No, sir, what make? What do you have in your hands?"

Customer: "An erection."

After a moment's silence, the gallant Swisscom operator continues.

Swisscom: "Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?"

Customer: "For sure. E... R... I... C... S... S... O... N - Erection."

Another moment's silence from Swisscom, and suddenly the penny drops.

Swisscom: "Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me?"

Customer: "For sure. C... E... L... L... U... L... A... R - Salulah."
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  #647  
Old 16.08.2010, 21:24
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]


???


Bobbitt Family Update
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable Condition, and Louella has been charged with...?





?

?
?


A Misdewiener!


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  #648  
Old 16.08.2010, 21:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

That reminds me of when the Chinese president was asked how often he had elections and he replied 'evely Fliday '
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  #649  
Old 17.08.2010, 09:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.


So she peels it off and starts screaming,
''I've won a motor home!
I've won a motorhome!''



The waitress says, ''That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free lunch.''



But the blonde keeps on screaming,
''I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!''



Finally, the manager comes over and says,
''Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome
because we didn't have that as a prize.''



The blonde says, ''No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motorhome!''


And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...



'W I N A B A G E L'
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  #650  
Old 17.08.2010, 10:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!

A Country wife came home to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength -- borne of fury AND cutting firewood, plus lifting sacks of feed and bales of hay -- she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and out to the barn.

Once in the barn, she put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that old rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said "Nope....You are! I'm just gonna burn down the Barn!!!"
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  #651  
Old 20.08.2010, 16:31
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

HOW FAST IS YOUR BRAIN

How fast can you guess these words?
You have 10 seconds

1. BOO_S
2. _ _ NDOM
3. P_N_S
4. F_ _ K
5. PU_S_
6. S_X





1. BOOKS

2. RANDOM
3. PANTS
4. FORK
5. PULSE
6. SIX











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  #652  
Old 20.08.2010, 16:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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HOW FAST IS YOUR BRAIN
Nicely done.
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  #653  
Old 21.08.2010, 10:21
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

very funny...........
Quote:
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HOW FAST IS YOUR BRAIN

How fast can you guess these words?


[/FONT][/COLOR]






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  #654  
Old 23.08.2010, 15:03
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Brilliant.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202



Comedian Tim Vine has won a prize for the funniest joke of this year's Edinburgh Fringe.

The pun pundit, who won the Perrier newcomer award in 1995, was presented with his latest prize by digital TV channel Dave.


His winning one-liner was: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."


The award was judged by eight comedy critics, whose shortlist of 24 jokes went forward to a public vote.

The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"




Judges also selected some of the worst jokes of this year's Fringe, which included:

Sara Pascoe "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sean Hughes "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

John Luke Roberts "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

Emo Phillips "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Bec Hill "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

Dan Antopolski "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

Antopolski's inclusion in the "worst joke" list comes just a year after he won the Dave trophy.

His winning joke was: "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
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  #655  
Old 30.08.2010, 19:19
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

So Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer,
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."

Helium does not react.
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  #656  
Old 08.09.2010, 14:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Hear the joke about the baby with aids? It never gets old
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  #657  
Old 08.09.2010, 16:06
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Hear the joke about the baby with aids? It never gets old

oooh dear. That's bad even by my standards.
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  #658  
Old 08.09.2010, 16:29
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Whats grey and can't swim?





A filing cabinet....


TERRIBLE!!!!
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  #659  
Old 08.09.2010, 16:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. ”Follow me son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”

And they did.

“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”

And they did.

“Now we eat everybody.”

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”

His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the crap inside!”
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  #660  
Old 08.09.2010, 16:48
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Scientists have just established that beer contains small but significant traces of female hormones.

To prove this, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
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