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  #741  
Old 21.02.2011, 18:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

In a winery the long-term taster died, and the director started looking for a replacement.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

They tested him and gave him gave him a glass of wine.

He tried it and said, "Its red wine, a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."

"Thats correct", said the boss.

Another glass. "Its red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels."

"Correct."

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"Its a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you dont give me the job, Ill also name the father."
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  #742  
Old 23.02.2011, 14:49
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
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  #743  
Old 23.02.2011, 14:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Sorry if it is too long, just want to make everybody happy!!! :-)
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  #744  
Old 10.03.2011, 19:57
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If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons

When Translations go wrong, it can be pretty Funny



Most classic mistakes can be found on various signs around the world:



In a bathroom: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


You like that? Here are more funny translations:


Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong:
Ladies have fits upstairs.


An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.


In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run.


Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
Cooles and heates: if you want just condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.


Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.


Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop. Drive sideways.


Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
Drop your trousers here for the best results.


Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.


Hotel, Vienna:
Case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.


Hotel in Romania: Posters on all toilets
Higiene gurarantee.


Translation Bureau in Bucharest, big billboard:
Legalised Translations!


Hotel elevator, Paris:
Please leave your values at the front desk.


Hotel, Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.


Tailor shop, Rhodes:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.


Hotel brochure, Italy:
This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.


Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.


In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except thursday.


From the "Soviet Weekly":
There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.


Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.


Cocktail lounge, Norway:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.


Hotel elevator, Belgrade:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.


In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice-cream.

These are extracts from real letters to the Department of Health and Social
Security:



I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a week and he is doing me no good. If things don't improve I shall get another doctor.


Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children - one of which is a mistake as you will see.


The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is cleared.


Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would like a third so will you please send somebody round to do something about it.


Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my Wife is about to become an expectant mother.


I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it backfired and burnt my knob off.


Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.


Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the Box fell on his head.


Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The clergy have been visiting her.


In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer with no results so far.


I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing, is dead.


Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in to hospital to have her overtures out.


My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds he is lethargic to it.


Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be obliged to live an immortal life.


The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles out and I had them humanised.


Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord and milkman.


You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this matter?


Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a hypodermic.


In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.


Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.


I do not get any money from my son. He is in the army and his regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury plain.


Re your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those on my bottom are hurting dreadfully.


I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.


I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names. This was due to contraceptional circumstances.


I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.


Taken from a French Tourism Brochure:



Under the heading " To see Calais" it refers to : The Jacquard
Statue - " Situated before the municipal theatre, it's recalling the
inventor of system, or the reproduce a decorative design in a texture."


The Lighthouse - "It's counting 270 steps and it's taking her rays on
night at 0.03 miles above of sea's gauge."


The Fisherman's District - "Called courgain maritime picturesquer,
where it's agreable of to meet, in this populated district fishers .


The Museum - "Made close to Richelieu's garden. Collections are
visited every day except tuesday."


The French Memory's Moment - "Situated before of the town hall,
it's the worked of architect Ghesquier - maugendre, statutory,
elevated for Sidi Brahim, Dutertre Captain, soldiers of 1870 - 1871
and colonials expositions memories."


The Six Burgess Moment - " Calis is first all six burgess city, these
notables, that made the lives sacrifice for to save those beseiged
citizens."


The Watching Towers - " In wartime, it's serving of loockout's
service charged of to watch enemy motion and in peacetime, of
to inform firemans in case of fire and to show fire's direction.


The Notre Dame Church - "Demolished by last bombardements,
these origins goes back at XIII century; finished under the english
occupation; it's during of reconstruction and can't still to realize
beauty of that architecture."


The Pluviose's Moment - "Erected on beach's avenue for to call
submarine that sea's be buried before the Calais port in 1910, wen
the opportunitie of fearless driving that made to passs under the
regular liner."


Citadel - " French crowed for always Calais citadel. In 166 (sic),
place's gouvernors of official residence, is attentive care of french's
sovereigns, because of privilegied geographic position."


The Rescuer's Moment - "Situated in the Colme quay at paradis
basin, it commemorate heroism recuer's Calais."


The Louis XVIII Collumn - "Face at the chamber of commerce, it's
commemorate king's deplacement at to Calais, after Napoleon's fall
in april 1814.".
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  #745  
Old 10.03.2011, 20:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

man walks into a doctor's office with a banana in his ear and an apple in his butt. While getting examined he says "uggh, doc, I don't feel so good."
the docotor says "well, i can see you aren't eating right"

what kind of phone does a turtle use?
A shell phone

how many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
only two, but it's really hard to get them in there.

How many femnists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

How many fat girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
none, they'll eat in the dark

ugh, they only get worse from here, so I'll stop now since I'm a newbie, haha
wwoooohhoooo, I lve bad jokes, thanks a bunch!!
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  #746  
Old 21.04.2011, 12:03
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife, then asked "is this your wife sir?".

Shocked I answered" yes".

They said "Im afraid it looks like shes been hit by a bus".

I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality and shes good with the dog".
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  #747  
Old 27.04.2011, 01:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

We have met some of these people.... No 14 & 16 says it all....

Thomas Cook Holidays

- listing some of the guest's complaints during the season

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store
does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often
needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost
every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to
bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who
spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this
rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

6. "The beach was too sandy."

7. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

8. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined
as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

9. "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (3.50) from a street
trader, only to find out they were fake."

10. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were
startled."

11. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

12. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as
they were all Spanish..."

13. "The roads were uneven.."

14. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took
the Americans three hours to get home."

15. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

16. "The brochure states: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We are
all trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

17. "There were too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish.
The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

18. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

19. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly
guests before we travel."

20. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

21. "My fianc and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find
myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room
that we booked."
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  #748  
Old 28.04.2011, 17:49
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Who was the greatest prostitute in history?


Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.


-Will Ferrell
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  #749  
Old 29.04.2011, 09:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What's an insect photographer's favorite ERP?

BPCS.
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  #750  
Old 13.07.2011, 22:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A cowboy's education

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

“Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is
developing!
They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol’
Blue how to talk!”

“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ol’ Blue in that
program?”


“Just send him down here with $1,000” the young cowboy says.
“I’ll get
him in the course.”

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs
out. The boy calls home.

“So how’s Ol’ Blue doing son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just
won’t
believe this - they’ve had such good results they have started to teach
the
animals how to read!”

“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that
program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and
talk!”


“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news.. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back
in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then
he turned to me and asked, “So, is your daddy still messing around with
that little redhead who lives down the street?”

The father exclaimed, “I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your
Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a
Congressman.
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Last edited by HollidayG; 13.07.2011 at 22:43. Reason: spacing.
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  #751  
Old 19.07.2011, 15:15
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I only got to page 21 so forgive me if this is a repeat.

Q:How do you get two elephants in a mini?

A:One in the front, one in the back.

Q:How do you get two giraffes in a mini?

A:Take the elephants out first.

Q:How to you get two whales in a mini

A:Take the E25, E54, E17, E15, Eurotunnel M20, M25, M1, M6, M54, A5 and A548



This jokes a lot more snappy in Manchester (M56 and A5117)
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  #752  
Old 20.07.2011, 16:27
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The worst diasaster in Poland's history happened today, when a two-seater Cessna 120 airplane crashed in a cemetery. So far, 326 bodies have been found. Polish search-and-rescue teams believe the number will rise as they continue to dig.





perhaps an old one, but it made me laugh !
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  #753  
Old 20.07.2011, 17:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
The worst diasaster in Poland's history happened today, when a two-seater Cessna 120 airplane crashed in a cemetery. So far, 326 bodies have been found. Polish search-and-rescue teams believe the number will rise as they continue to dig.





perhaps an old one, but it made me laugh !
It crashed into an Irish cemetery when I heard it
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  #754  
Old 20.07.2011, 17:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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The worst diasaster in Poland's history happened today, when a two-seater Cessna 120 airplane crashed in a cemetery. So far, 326 bodies have been found. Polish search-and-rescue teams believe the number will rise as they continue to dig.





perhaps an old one, but it made me laugh !
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It crashed into an Irish cemetery when I heard it

WHAT !!!!

It happened in Ireland as well ???

(...... just adding to the repertoire of terrible jokes.... don't hate me)
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  #755  
Old 21.07.2011, 12:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Dictionary of dating

ATTRACTION..... The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING..... The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL..... Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY..... A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT..... A method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND..... A person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE..... A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING..... A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT..... What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY..... How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC..... A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER..... Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
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  #756  
Old 21.07.2011, 12:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man walks into a bar and says "ouch" (Tommy Cooper RIP)
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  #757  
Old 21.07.2011, 12:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at
him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside."
"...How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your oyster ... go
for it."

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today."
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' "So
that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night


"My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places."
I might as well quote post 1 from Feb. 2008. They all seem to be coming round again
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  #758  
Old 21.07.2011, 13:01
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Greece has announced the cessation of Hummus and Taramasalata production in the country. The IMF have official stated that Greece is suffering a double dip recession.
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  #759  
Old 22.07.2011, 10:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I saw a sign in my room in Bangkok.

Please turn the taps off, Bangkok has been suffering from a draught for numerous years.
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  #760  
Old 22.07.2011, 14:27
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
"Thank you, honey", she says.
"What would you like me to bring back for you?"
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asks.
"The one I asked for- an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."



Not really terrible--but amusing
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